My 85; soon to be 86 year old mother is a gift from the universe. She has been living with me since September and has become such a symbol of 'life if I don't quit drinking'. At her advanced age, she is still in the throes of the disease of alcoholism. If she's not puffing on her e-cigarette or scratching 'scratch 'n win' tickets she's eyeing the liquor cabinet or pining for a beer. Often she's doing all three.
When she moved in the only 'rule' we had was that she could only have one beer a day. Her mission in life is to break that rule on a daily basis. Although she is basically, anti-social, she hangs around the dinner table each evening, not to continue our mealtime chats but to wangle another beer out of me. She is often willing to humiliate herself by asking me for another beer or a shot of a liqueur. Being a soft touch, I sometimes give in and pour her another. She plays on my kindness which she perceives as weakness.
She is my future. I am a younger version of her. The only difference between us is that I finally recognize my alcoholism for what it is and she is in denial as she likely will be for the remainder of her life. I try not to keep her favourite liqueur in the house. Yesterday she gave hubby $30 when she thought I couldn't hear her and whispered for him to pick her up a bottle. He's caught between the 'live and let live' school of thought and the 'protect her from herself' theme that I try to instill in, not only him but in myself.
I feel bad for her because I know how an alkie's brain works. I remember when I was in my heavy drinking days that I would manipulate situations to allow for my glass or three of wine. I have a lot of patience with her addiction but it is my responsibility as her caretaker to try to ensure that she doesn't do a face plant on my ceramic floor.
I am really hoping that this dozen days of abstinence becomes a dozen months and a dozen years.
Today I am meeting my old work friends for lunch and then spending an hour with my favourite Uncle (my Mom's 83 yo baby brother) who is a sweet guy. He plans to have a glass of wine with me. Not going to happen but he has seen me abstaining before and adjusts quickly when I drink tea during our visits although I know he is disappointed.
Spring is in the air!! Cardinals are at my birdfeeder. They are magnificent!
Friday, 1 April 2016
Thursday, 31 March 2016
A Decade of Personal Growth
When I realized that my problem with alcohol has been simmering for over ten years, my first thought was that I've wasted the past ten years obsessing over alcohol. When I look at the situation realistically I am profoundly grateful for my addiction in that while searching for salvation from it, I found myself.
The past ten years have found me searching, reading, writing and truly getting to know what makes me tick and what's important in life.
I've found Marianne Williamson, Eckhart Tolle, Brene Brown, Jason Vale, Gabor Mater and numerous other prolific, wise men and women. I have maintained a daily meditation practice for well over a year. My diet has improved. My humility and empathy have blossomed. There are so many positive factors that have been a direct result of my searching for a way out of the dark tunnel of addiction.
Thank you Addiction but now it's time to recede. I am now ready to tip my hat to you and bid you adieu. I know my 'cravings' will always be hovering nearby and that I always have to remain vigilant but I am done pretending I don't have a problem. I am done thinking that I can accept my diseased brain's demands for booze and carry on as if it's alright.
Now it's time to put drinking behind me and use the knowledge, empathy and compassion I've gained throughout this journey to help others and to be an example of what success looks like.
Ten years ago I was spending most nights obliviously drinking my half bottle or more of red wine feeling vaguely lonely, vaguely unsettled and very, very tired. When my self examination began, my healing began. Recovery is a slow process and relapse is a big, important part of it. Ten years is a little exaggerated but I guess I needed this time to reframe my values and my goals.
I used to think that I had a huge purpose to fulfill and that booze kept me from doing so. I was going to be a speaker, an author, a role model in society; to CHANGE to world. I have come to know that, although my role is huge, it is like the spokes of a wheel. It starts with me and branches out to my own circle of family and friends. If I can be happily sober in world of fearful drunks, robustly and naturally healthy in a world of sick pill poppers, resolutely positive in a world of pessimists and all that I can be as a Granny of Five, then I am doing the job I was put on Earth to do.
Sobriety Rocks!
The past ten years have found me searching, reading, writing and truly getting to know what makes me tick and what's important in life.
I've found Marianne Williamson, Eckhart Tolle, Brene Brown, Jason Vale, Gabor Mater and numerous other prolific, wise men and women. I have maintained a daily meditation practice for well over a year. My diet has improved. My humility and empathy have blossomed. There are so many positive factors that have been a direct result of my searching for a way out of the dark tunnel of addiction.
Thank you Addiction but now it's time to recede. I am now ready to tip my hat to you and bid you adieu. I know my 'cravings' will always be hovering nearby and that I always have to remain vigilant but I am done pretending I don't have a problem. I am done thinking that I can accept my diseased brain's demands for booze and carry on as if it's alright.
Now it's time to put drinking behind me and use the knowledge, empathy and compassion I've gained throughout this journey to help others and to be an example of what success looks like.
Ten years ago I was spending most nights obliviously drinking my half bottle or more of red wine feeling vaguely lonely, vaguely unsettled and very, very tired. When my self examination began, my healing began. Recovery is a slow process and relapse is a big, important part of it. Ten years is a little exaggerated but I guess I needed this time to reframe my values and my goals.
I used to think that I had a huge purpose to fulfill and that booze kept me from doing so. I was going to be a speaker, an author, a role model in society; to CHANGE to world. I have come to know that, although my role is huge, it is like the spokes of a wheel. It starts with me and branches out to my own circle of family and friends. If I can be happily sober in world of fearful drunks, robustly and naturally healthy in a world of sick pill poppers, resolutely positive in a world of pessimists and all that I can be as a Granny of Five, then I am doing the job I was put on Earth to do.
Sobriety Rocks!
Wednesday, 30 March 2016
Pen Pals, Moon Gatherings and March 21st
I have been struggling with alcoholism for over ten years now. Unfortunately or fortunately I have found proof of this. While cleaning out drawers I found an old journal from 2006 with a list of goals. Low and behold high up on the list was 'get a handle on my drinking'. As disturbing this fact might be, it is not what has prompted me to quit drinking this time. I don't really have a new reason to quit; it's just that the problem in my own mind with whatever quantity of alcohol I drink just won't go away.
I had become almost abstinent with lots of slip-ups. I would go four days, six days, 11 days; sometimes two weeks of sobriety would be tucked nicely under my belt. During the past year I've felt sick from drinking only twice; maybe three times. But, inevitably, no matter what, how much, when or why I drank, I always hated myself the next day.
By the outside world's standards I had solved my problem. I drank 'normally'. I, simply, cannot live with my drinking self. So, I quit again.
Here's what I am doing differently this time:
I have a pen pal. I have a lovely lady who is in similar age and situation to me who I email on a twice weekly basis; maybe more. She is supportive and has had her ups and downs as well in her quest for control over her drinking. I took a wild chance with her and told her about some things I usually keep to myself and she still came back. This is huge for me. I tend to hide away when I slip up and she has seen me through a few dips.
I decided to choose a meaningful date as my start date. On March 21st, 30 years ago, I had a stillborn daughter. Her death, was not only devastating, but led me in new directions that I would have otherwise never taken. The domino effect of this tragedy has lead me to unbelievable happiness both in my love life, my career and my family life. My adopted daughter is my best friend in the world and has given me two beautiful granddaughters.
Four years ago, I chose my wedding date to occur on the same day. After being together for more than a decade, my husband is truly still my soul mate. We live unbelievably harmoniously. I wanted to replace a bad memory with a good one.
As the anniversary of both my daughter's stillbirth and my 4th Wedding Anniversary approached I decided to add another life changing event to the mix. On the morning of March 20th, I poured myself a glass of Grand Mariner, took a swig and pronounced myself a Non Drinker. This morning drink which was a new 'low' for me was necessary in order for March 21st, 2016 to become my first day Sober of my Last Quit.
Four years ago, I chose my wedding date to occur on the same day. After being together for more than a decade, my husband is truly still my soul mate. We live unbelievably harmoniously. I wanted to replace a bad memory with a good one.
As the anniversary of both my daughter's stillbirth and my 4th Wedding Anniversary approached I decided to add another life changing event to the mix. On the morning of March 20th, I poured myself a glass of Grand Mariner, took a swig and pronounced myself a Non Drinker. This morning drink which was a new 'low' for me was necessary in order for March 21st, 2016 to become my first day Sober of my Last Quit.
The cartoon like photo above was taken that morning against the backdrop of my bathroom wall as I lay in the bathtub feeling very ceremonious and pleased with myself. The words "Make Each Day Your Masterpiece" is stenciled onto my bathroom wall and I feel it apt that this is the back drop for the photo of my last drinking day's drink. I didn't realize I could mess around with photos and even write on them. Neat APP!!
This one is the kicker: I belong to a group of women who meet once a month. We are hosted by a half Native/half Celtic Woman who runs a Healing Horse Ranch and works extensively with Essential Oils. An eclectic group of women attend these moon-centred circles. There is an astrologist, a beekeeper, a B & B owner, a harpist, a few holistic healers and many other wise women. Some have studied with Shamans and Grandmothers. I have the utmost respect for this group of women and am just getting to know them individually as I am relatively new to this group.
We met outdoors on the 23rd of March to commemorate the recent full moon (I was on my third day sober). After smudging ourselves, singing and drumming, we enjoyed the ceremonial fire. To end the outdoor part of the gathering, we each threw a handful of sacred tobacco on the fire and murmured our intentions privately before coming indoors. Inside, we all sat by the cozy stone fireplace and passed the 'talking feather' around. In turn, we talked about our fears, disappointments, hopes and achievements. As the feather came to me, without planning it, I spoke of my problem with alcohol and of my March 21st quit date. My 'confession' was met with encouragement and even a few tears. A woman admitted that she, too, was questioning her own relationship with wine. After this, outburst I am now accountable, to, not only myself and my fantastic pen pal, but to thirteen Moon Gathering Women who are all going to inquire as to how I am doing every time they see me. That's how these ladies roll. They are very caring chicks by virtue of their chosen paths. Don't even ask me why I am invited in the first place. I run a Construction Company for Gawds Sake!!
We met outdoors on the 23rd of March to commemorate the recent full moon (I was on my third day sober). After smudging ourselves, singing and drumming, we enjoyed the ceremonial fire. To end the outdoor part of the gathering, we each threw a handful of sacred tobacco on the fire and murmured our intentions privately before coming indoors. Inside, we all sat by the cozy stone fireplace and passed the 'talking feather' around. In turn, we talked about our fears, disappointments, hopes and achievements. As the feather came to me, without planning it, I spoke of my problem with alcohol and of my March 21st quit date. My 'confession' was met with encouragement and even a few tears. A woman admitted that she, too, was questioning her own relationship with wine. After this, outburst I am now accountable, to, not only myself and my fantastic pen pal, but to thirteen Moon Gathering Women who are all going to inquire as to how I am doing every time they see me. That's how these ladies roll. They are very caring chicks by virtue of their chosen paths. Don't even ask me why I am invited in the first place. I run a Construction Company for Gawds Sake!!
I've been listening to Sober Podcasts. I love 'That Sober Guy', The Bubble Hour and right now am getting a lot of momentum from Sober Sassy Life by the Wine Witch. She really is hitting home with me right now. I listen to these Podcasts while I jump on my rebounder (mini-trampoline). I am exercising and I think that deserves mentioning.
I hope that by exercising, visiting sober blogs, chatting with my pen pal, being accountable to a group of caring women and staying present, I can keep the momentum going.
I hope that by exercising, visiting sober blogs, chatting with my pen pal, being accountable to a group of caring women and staying present, I can keep the momentum going.
I know it's been a long entry and if you are still here, Thanks. I am now on day ten and have renewed hope that I can stay the course and join the ranks of solidly sober bloggers.
Namaste
Friday, 29 January 2016
Phew !! Yippeee !! Yikes !!
Last night I went to the next village to pick up my Uncle/Bestie close to the bus stop as he was visiting and the bus did not come all the way to our tiny village.
I arrived early and browsed the local shops. I ended up close to a pub style restaurant I love and called him. He was walking towards me and so I told him to meet me at the pub. As I hung up and waited my monkey mind went into overdrive.
"I'll order him a beer so we can chat before I drive him home."
"They really do have nice draft beer here."
"I should be sociable and join him in a drink."
"But what about my abstinence commitment."
"Exactly why did I give it up completely?"
"I should make sure I don't drink in the house but here at the pub it's Okay."
"One bloody beer won't kill me will it?"
"I really should think about this ... it always starts innocently enough..."
"Do I really want the cycle to re-start?"
"Would a cup of tea satisfy me the way a beer would?"
Then he arrived and vetoed the pub stop as he had bought a large bottle of red and wanted to go to my place and get drunk as he had had a shitty day.
I am not sure what I would have done if he had agreed but when I got home I poured him a large glass of wine, one for my hubby and myself a glass of water with a couple of drops of Spearmint Essential Oil. It was delicious.
Phew!!
Today, I went to meet a friend for lunch and we don't normally drink at lunch. I had an unhealthy lunch and a Pepsi which is something I never drink. We chatted and parted ways. On the way out I passed the Wine Store and a lady had a big sign saying FREE WINE TASTING. I passed her and she invited me in to taste some. Without a second thought I smiled at her, shook my head and declared "No thanks; I am a NON-DRINKER".
Yippee !!
Tonight hubby is taking me and my elderly mother out to a nice restaurant that has lovely draft beer. Wish me luck. Right now I am sure I'll remain abstinent.
Yikes !!
I arrived early and browsed the local shops. I ended up close to a pub style restaurant I love and called him. He was walking towards me and so I told him to meet me at the pub. As I hung up and waited my monkey mind went into overdrive.
"I'll order him a beer so we can chat before I drive him home."
"They really do have nice draft beer here."
"I should be sociable and join him in a drink."
"But what about my abstinence commitment."
"Exactly why did I give it up completely?"
"I should make sure I don't drink in the house but here at the pub it's Okay."
"One bloody beer won't kill me will it?"
"I really should think about this ... it always starts innocently enough..."
"Do I really want the cycle to re-start?"
"Would a cup of tea satisfy me the way a beer would?"
Then he arrived and vetoed the pub stop as he had bought a large bottle of red and wanted to go to my place and get drunk as he had had a shitty day.
I am not sure what I would have done if he had agreed but when I got home I poured him a large glass of wine, one for my hubby and myself a glass of water with a couple of drops of Spearmint Essential Oil. It was delicious.
Phew!!
Today, I went to meet a friend for lunch and we don't normally drink at lunch. I had an unhealthy lunch and a Pepsi which is something I never drink. We chatted and parted ways. On the way out I passed the Wine Store and a lady had a big sign saying FREE WINE TASTING. I passed her and she invited me in to taste some. Without a second thought I smiled at her, shook my head and declared "No thanks; I am a NON-DRINKER".
Yippee !!
Tonight hubby is taking me and my elderly mother out to a nice restaurant that has lovely draft beer. Wish me luck. Right now I am sure I'll remain abstinent.
Yikes !!
Wednesday, 27 January 2016
The World is My Oyster!
I used to think it was useless to continue with this blog when i kept relapsing. I remind myself that when I am scrolling through the blogs and see someone posting in the early stages of a new quit, I am drawn to them as I feel so alone when I am taking baby steps after years of talking about quitting. So I continue.
I am still hanging on to my commitment to refuse alcohol since my last day in Mexico. I'm in the double digits (been there, done that). As usual for me, the honeymoon stage of recovery is full of confidence and positive resolve that I am on the forever train to sobriety. I also know that if and when I relapse it's always after staying away from the cyber sober world for a few days/weeks. I have to stay close and keep posting. Although I haven't been posting as much as I should I've been pen-palling and stalking sober blogs.
Alcohol, in hindsight, never seems like quite the problem it is when I am in the middle of my drinking times. When I look back I always remember the nice wine with dinner, the mojito on the beach, the ice cold draft beer on the patio but never the barfing over the side of a friend's hot tub, the listless me slumped over ready for bed at 7pm when the party is just starting.
I have noticed that I am so wide awake, funny and vivacious (as much as one can be at close to 60) at a party when I am abstaining. My mornings are lovely too. We have been taking DoTerra Essential Oils and their brand of supplements also). Renewed energy for both of us and we are hitting milestones in the lovemaking department if you know what I mean.
I have noticed that hubby is abstaining for the most part too. I really couldn't care less at this point but for his own sake, I am happy.
I surprised myself by not only remembering to complete my list of 'to do's', I found myself outside snow-shoeing by the side of the river and into the nearby forest two days in a row. I am looking outside as I type and I think I will head out again this morning.
What the hell just happened? I am not myself? Who is this new person and what has she done with Princess Procrastinator???
Booze free is one thing. Booze free and souped up on quality supplements and the World is my Oyster!!
I am still hanging on to my commitment to refuse alcohol since my last day in Mexico. I'm in the double digits (been there, done that). As usual for me, the honeymoon stage of recovery is full of confidence and positive resolve that I am on the forever train to sobriety. I also know that if and when I relapse it's always after staying away from the cyber sober world for a few days/weeks. I have to stay close and keep posting. Although I haven't been posting as much as I should I've been pen-palling and stalking sober blogs.
Alcohol, in hindsight, never seems like quite the problem it is when I am in the middle of my drinking times. When I look back I always remember the nice wine with dinner, the mojito on the beach, the ice cold draft beer on the patio but never the barfing over the side of a friend's hot tub, the listless me slumped over ready for bed at 7pm when the party is just starting.
I have noticed that I am so wide awake, funny and vivacious (as much as one can be at close to 60) at a party when I am abstaining. My mornings are lovely too. We have been taking DoTerra Essential Oils and their brand of supplements also). Renewed energy for both of us and we are hitting milestones in the lovemaking department if you know what I mean.
I have noticed that hubby is abstaining for the most part too. I really couldn't care less at this point but for his own sake, I am happy.
I surprised myself by not only remembering to complete my list of 'to do's', I found myself outside snow-shoeing by the side of the river and into the nearby forest two days in a row. I am looking outside as I type and I think I will head out again this morning.
What the hell just happened? I am not myself? Who is this new person and what has she done with Princess Procrastinator???
Booze free is one thing. Booze free and souped up on quality supplements and the World is my Oyster!!
Wednesday, 20 January 2016
Pen Pals and Promises
I have returned from the Mexican Mayan Penninsula where I was vacationing and celebrating my son's marriage. We were away for a week and there was a lot of evidence there that drinking is so destructive. I saw couples divided by idiocy caused directly by booze, hospitalizations due to concussions due to slipping on wet marble floors while intoxicated, no shows for important 'events' due to hangovers and while sipping on (mainly) virgin drinks, I was able to prepare myself for finally letting go of my struggle with alcohol.
Rather than counting days, I am following Jason Vale's advice and celebrating my victory over alcohol's control each and every day from now on. My last drink (a glass of red) was on January 15th at the Table d'Autre Restaurant in the resort. I re-read Jason's book during the last two days of vacation as part of my plan to finally move forward with this new, exciting time in my life booze free.
I came home to a very good example of my future should I continue to stop and start with my quitting. My Mother is literally sneaking drinks behind my back. Picture a little, impish, 85 year old hunched crone shuffling around the house with a pair of needle nosed pliers in her hands. Asked why the pliers, she replies "How the Hell else am I going to open the bottle of Irish Cream?" We had to hide the liquers (from Christmas). She fell out of bed last night. She could not get up and at 4:00 am I was awakened by her banging her fist on the floor to get my attention. Hate the booze, not the boozer!!
I have managed to nab a lovely New Zealander and an enthusiastic, articulate American as pen pals. We have lots in common and I am looking forward to checking in with them daily to keep me on the straight and narrow.
I've been having amazing meditations that are bringing me to places I never dreamed I would go so I guess sobriety appeals to my authentic self.
Have a great day Peeps.
Rather than counting days, I am following Jason Vale's advice and celebrating my victory over alcohol's control each and every day from now on. My last drink (a glass of red) was on January 15th at the Table d'Autre Restaurant in the resort. I re-read Jason's book during the last two days of vacation as part of my plan to finally move forward with this new, exciting time in my life booze free.
I came home to a very good example of my future should I continue to stop and start with my quitting. My Mother is literally sneaking drinks behind my back. Picture a little, impish, 85 year old hunched crone shuffling around the house with a pair of needle nosed pliers in her hands. Asked why the pliers, she replies "How the Hell else am I going to open the bottle of Irish Cream?" We had to hide the liquers (from Christmas). She fell out of bed last night. She could not get up and at 4:00 am I was awakened by her banging her fist on the floor to get my attention. Hate the booze, not the boozer!!
I have managed to nab a lovely New Zealander and an enthusiastic, articulate American as pen pals. We have lots in common and I am looking forward to checking in with them daily to keep me on the straight and narrow.
I've been having amazing meditations that are bringing me to places I never dreamed I would go so I guess sobriety appeals to my authentic self.
Have a great day Peeps.
Sunday, 3 January 2016
2015 in Review
An honest review of 2015 would reflect some great advances in my authentic life and some items that have not totally been addressed and resolved.
In 2015 I began and continued my morning meetings with my neighbor for an hour of conversation, a reading from a 'book of awakening' and a ten minute meditation. We were meeting every day for the first six months and I cut that down to the work days with weekends to lie in and that worked beautifully for me. The morning starts at 5:30 a.m. and this, in itself, allows for an extra two hours of productivity which has made a big impact on my day to day living.
I have become much more organized and this makes me very happy. I still procrastinate but not to the extent I have in the past. My office work is usually caught up and my house tidy. I have to say that I am better able to stay focused on the present moment and to not take things personally thanks to the meditation and our daily chats. My meditation partner is a complicated person with her own set of problems but together we plod along helping each other become better people. I keep a social distance from her as I am averse to letting people (especially neighbors) get too casually comfortable in my home. I think I have to work on this. As much as I proclaim to be open-minded, I have a protective barrier installed at my front door. This I am aware of.
I have began using essential oils and enjoying them immensely. I have found a Native themed woman's circle that sings to my heart. I have joined the Syrian Refugee Welcoming Committee in our small village. I have dabbled in yoga.
I have had glorious, plentiful time with Sofia, aged 5, Mason and Jack, aged two, Reyna, aged 18 months and little Josie, aged 5 months. I have brought them for walks in the woods, raspberry, strawberry and blueberry picking. We've swam at the lake together. We've had dance parties in my solarium, baked and iced cookies and had lots of fun. They love their Granny and I adore each of them.
My husband and I have invited my elderly mother to come live with us and she's been here since September in all her alcoholic glory. We sprung a deal that she would be allowed no more than one beer a day. Over the long, drawn out Christmas season she has managed to get around that promise. When I watch her desperate efforts to get another glass of booze, I would be blind and stupid to not see my future should I continue to drink.
Drink: I have continued to partake. The good news is that I am drinking less booze than ever. The bad news is it still unsettles me that booze still dominates my thoughts.
My wish for 2016 is to return from my trip to Mexico on January 16th and begin a sober, completely abstinent year. Not only do I wish to be sober but I also want to attend all the gatherings where booze flourishes and to thumb my nose at convention and have a fantastic time sans alcohol. I want to laugh, dance, tell jokes and be my tipsy, vibrant self all the while sipping on cranberry and soda.
Wishing is one thing; doing is another. My plan is to stay close to this blog and others like it. I would love a sober pen pal whose situation is similar to mine: a repeat relapser who is at least of middle age and preferably a (former) wine drinker. It would be best if it was a she and a high functioning alcoholic. The more we have in common the better. Any takers?
While my life has become more authentic this year in many ways, my plan is to accomplish the biggest goal of my life: a year of sobriety. Achieving this will open the door for this wonderful path of life to turn a corner and veer into uncharted territory: true authenticity, real emotions felt and dealt with, a sense of accomplishment and pride and best of all, the lightness of being that comes with a monkey thrown off one's back forever.
My word for 2016 is Presence. I need to be present in order to stay conscious of what matters.
Happy New Year!
In 2015 I began and continued my morning meetings with my neighbor for an hour of conversation, a reading from a 'book of awakening' and a ten minute meditation. We were meeting every day for the first six months and I cut that down to the work days with weekends to lie in and that worked beautifully for me. The morning starts at 5:30 a.m. and this, in itself, allows for an extra two hours of productivity which has made a big impact on my day to day living.
I have become much more organized and this makes me very happy. I still procrastinate but not to the extent I have in the past. My office work is usually caught up and my house tidy. I have to say that I am better able to stay focused on the present moment and to not take things personally thanks to the meditation and our daily chats. My meditation partner is a complicated person with her own set of problems but together we plod along helping each other become better people. I keep a social distance from her as I am averse to letting people (especially neighbors) get too casually comfortable in my home. I think I have to work on this. As much as I proclaim to be open-minded, I have a protective barrier installed at my front door. This I am aware of.
I have began using essential oils and enjoying them immensely. I have found a Native themed woman's circle that sings to my heart. I have joined the Syrian Refugee Welcoming Committee in our small village. I have dabbled in yoga.
I have had glorious, plentiful time with Sofia, aged 5, Mason and Jack, aged two, Reyna, aged 18 months and little Josie, aged 5 months. I have brought them for walks in the woods, raspberry, strawberry and blueberry picking. We've swam at the lake together. We've had dance parties in my solarium, baked and iced cookies and had lots of fun. They love their Granny and I adore each of them.
My husband and I have invited my elderly mother to come live with us and she's been here since September in all her alcoholic glory. We sprung a deal that she would be allowed no more than one beer a day. Over the long, drawn out Christmas season she has managed to get around that promise. When I watch her desperate efforts to get another glass of booze, I would be blind and stupid to not see my future should I continue to drink.
Drink: I have continued to partake. The good news is that I am drinking less booze than ever. The bad news is it still unsettles me that booze still dominates my thoughts.
My wish for 2016 is to return from my trip to Mexico on January 16th and begin a sober, completely abstinent year. Not only do I wish to be sober but I also want to attend all the gatherings where booze flourishes and to thumb my nose at convention and have a fantastic time sans alcohol. I want to laugh, dance, tell jokes and be my tipsy, vibrant self all the while sipping on cranberry and soda.
Wishing is one thing; doing is another. My plan is to stay close to this blog and others like it. I would love a sober pen pal whose situation is similar to mine: a repeat relapser who is at least of middle age and preferably a (former) wine drinker. It would be best if it was a she and a high functioning alcoholic. The more we have in common the better. Any takers?
While my life has become more authentic this year in many ways, my plan is to accomplish the biggest goal of my life: a year of sobriety. Achieving this will open the door for this wonderful path of life to turn a corner and veer into uncharted territory: true authenticity, real emotions felt and dealt with, a sense of accomplishment and pride and best of all, the lightness of being that comes with a monkey thrown off one's back forever.
My word for 2016 is Presence. I need to be present in order to stay conscious of what matters.
Happy New Year!
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