Tuesday 9 September 2014

Day 138: I Drank!

I've deleted the problems I described that led to my drinking just in case the wrong eyes see it.

Besides the family business the living conditions here at the trailer are horrendous.  We finally got electricity that stopped the constant drone of the generator and today the guy came to dig the well. He noisily drilled two hundred feet, flooded the place and left me tense from the audio assault and very vulnerable.

I wanted a drink.  I've wanted one for days.  I did not take it easily... I lusted for it for twenty minutes before I lunged. I had been avoiding the sobriety blogs and resources.

I drank.  I drank enough to get tipsy.  I blew 138 days.

Not sure what is going to happen next.  Will I continue to slide down the slippery slope?  Will I stop dead in my tracks and reverse my trajectory?  Please God... let me choose the latter...

How do I feel?  I feel drunk... a little sick to my stomach and tired... so tired.

I knew it was coming.  I was scared. I did not stop it.  I could not stop it.  My life is full of tension and stress and I deny it all the time.  There are undercurrents of jealousy, greed and hatred in my family that I've chosen to ignore.  I could manage not drinking when I was strong but things have beaten me down lately.  Not having a solid home for six months; living like a gypsy, has taken it's toll on me and I succumbed because I feel crushed.

I wanted the drink bad enough to give up 138 days of sobriety.  So I guess it was worth it.  But only if I stop right now.  I have to not look at this as a relapse but as a hiccup.

I`ve got 138 sober days under my belt.  If I drink tomorrow, I`m screwed.  If I don`t then I can continue on this awesome journey.  It`s up to me.


  1. You are stronger than this - make the choice that is right for you. I get strength from your journey.

  2. It's so hard because we want the shit to go away... And this really does sound like some big shit granny, I feel for you.. And who wouldn't want to numb it out for a while? Booze does that brilliantly!! It numbs!! That's why we humans like it so much... It numbs and sometimes numb is exactly what we motherfucking want. I totally get it. But for me, big picture, I'm going to forgo that numbing forever more in favour of raw and real... That's just for me because... Honestly after 20 years of boozy numbness I prefer it that way. You'll do what's right for you Granny... I have faith in that. Sending huge big squishy cyber hugs your way. This is tough, for sure xxxx

  3. I'm new to embracing sober... But I am cheering for you.... I just read your post on before and after. I want to be saying those things soon. Hugs from a complete stranger :-)

  4. Dont beat yourself up like that!
    You and the rest of us are only human doing our very best to deal and be over this boozy journey we got ourselves into.
    Those 138 days VERY MUCH STILL COUNT and my advise is move forward.
    Don't get into your head any further about it.
    You are going thru a lot right now but it can be a whole lot easier going thru it sober....and you've got those beautiful grandchildren you are being a good solid role model to.
    Always talk to yourself as you would talk to a "loved one" and put one foot in front of the other...I believe in you!
    Mama J