Wednesday 23 September 2015

Lovely Walk and Feeling Fine

Day by day I am improving my self talk turning from negative chastising to letting myself off the hook.  This, ironically, paves the way for me to accomplish more, procrastinate less and, as a result, feel better about myself which helps continue the cycle of positive self talk.  Does this make sense?

Example:  Yesterday, on a whim I decided to walk along the groomed path along the river that leads deep into the woods at the edge of the village.  I walked and took close to ten thousand steps in the process.  It was invigorating, uplifting, spiritually freeing and all that jazz.  My old ego brain started in on the "You should have done this all summer" quickly followed by the "You should do this every day from now on.."  I corrected this little witch-ego by countering with "the bugs were bad all summer; now they are dead therefore less bothersome" and "You can choose to walk this lovely path again; it's up to you".  I allowed myself to be forgiven for missing the opportunity to enjoy this trail all summer.  Realistically, I get eaten alive when I walk in nature before the first cold night.  It's just not pleasant.  Beaches suit me better in the summer. Fall and Winter are awesome times to enjoy the trail in all it's colourful and eventual white splendour.  If I want to experience these natural treasures bad enough I will make time for them.

My mom is behaving and not trying to sneak more than her allowed one beer a day.  I am pleased about that although it's still early yet.  Right now she is upstairs happily rolling my toonies and loonies (Canadian one and two dollar coins). She has offered to do my filing so I think I will take her up on it and, soon, together we can match three months worth of credit card statements to their invoices.  We'll put some Frank Sinatra on Songza and file away.

Today I took Mom to our first piano lesson.  I play very well by ear but can't read music or play conventionally.  Mom is thrilled to be learning the piano as it has been her life long dream and I am just tickled pink that after our first lesson I am actually progressing nicely.  It is challenging enough not to be boring and easy enough not to be discouraging.

I ramble on here but the bottom line is I am, again, not drinking.  I am racking up the days again until my inevitable small hiccup.  I'll just put my sobriety counter back to Day one and start again.  I know that may sound like dangerous thinking to you all but, to me, it's reality and I accept my mostly sober life.

Talk soon.

Tuesday 22 September 2015

Got My Mojo Going Again

Having a productive day.  Office work caught up.  My mom is settled in.  I did not drink last night.  I have still been meditating every morning for about 9 months now... every frickin' morning at 6:00 a.m.  I, actually, love getting up at 5:40 a.m.  Really, I do.  I am showered, meditated, caffinated and rarin' to go by 7:00 and that adds about three hours to my day.  I used to be so slow to awaken in my pre-meditation days.  In case you are wondering what my early morning is like, ... here goes:

5:40 - soft music slowly wakes me up.  It's dark outside so I can't see the bird feeder hubby erected right outside my bedroom window but in the summer, it was lovely.  I brush my teeth (and scrape my tongue which might sound gross but it is a real great addition to my oral hygiene).  I then get in the shower, get dressed and make coffee.  Friend either arrives or I cross the street to meet her.  We sit by candlelight, sip coffee and chat about the previous day, read aloud from two books (one is a daily inspirational and the other a daily recovery book).  We spend at least ten minutes of silence meditating and then give each other a big hug and go our separate ways.

7:00 a.m. - I pour myself another coffee, make my bed, tidy up and eat something either satisfying, nourishing and hopefully both.  I usually take my second coffee out to my little, secret garden and sit under the canopy of wild grape vines that have taken over that end of the property.  I wander over to pick a few late raspberries and go inside.

7:30 - I get some office work out of the way.  I work, on and off all morning either on office work or housework.  Around 11:30 I prepare lunch for me and my Mother.   She is a late riser.

I have plenty of time for myself if I stay organized which is a challenge because of my Squiggly personality.

Mom and I are starting piano lessons tomorrow.  I can play very well by ear but now it's time to learn the basics.  Mom has always wanted to learn.

My days are busy because the five grand babies are constantly making welcome appearances and my house is a revolving door with family, friends and business people coming and going.

My life is perfect each day I choose to stay away from my torturer, red wine.  I am on day two.  Mojo intact and humming nicely.

Monday 21 September 2015

Finally Able to Log On

I have had trouble logging on lately as my password wasn't working.  Today I finally sorted it out.  I would be 26 days sober today if it weren't for the weekend.  I made the (un)conscious decision to have a glass or two on Friday, Saturday and Sunday.  Friday was me caving in after a week of my daughter staying with me with her newborn and 14 month old sick babies.  My house was a disaster and my DIL showed up with a bottle of red which I shared with her.  Saturday was a 'what the hell' day as I was in Toronto picking up my 85 year old alcoholic mother to bring her home to live with me and hubby.  Part of me felt like I blew it the night before and I needed to cut loose before my life became stilted and stifled with my role as the caregiver, liquor control board with Mom.  Sunday was finishing what was in the house with full knowledge that Monday was the beginning of another go at it.  So, in total about six glasses of red wine were drank over the course of three days.  I am fine with that since I let it happen.  It was a choice.

Sober again today and on red alert with Mom who will try every trick in the book to get her fill of beer.

Believe it or not, I still feel good about my 26 days and am still counting unless I screw up again today which is virtually impossible.  I put my sobriety counter back to 0 but in my heart I am proud of the last month.

If I can do this sobriety thing 99% of the time then it's a good thing.  If I can do it 100% of the time, then it's a GREAT thing.  So far, I am good. Greatness beckons me.

Presence has been my go to state lately and I revel in it.  Breathing deeply and honouring where I am here and now has helped me avoid many pitfalls of emotion, comments, actions and drinking for the most part.

Today is a wonderful day.  Mom is still in bed and I am catching up on my filing.

Have a good one.


Tuesday 8 September 2015

Two Weeks of Bliss

It really is blissful this time around.  My daily meditations, unexplained healing of my procrastination habits and two weeks of sobriety have created a world for me that is profoundly different from ever before.  This time around I ...

  • have an organized, clean house that hubby and me are maintaining on a minute by minute basis
  • am eating cleaner, healthier and less
  • am caught up with office work and putting in the time needed to stay caught up
  • am feeling no guilt when I take time to play or read or do absolutely nothing; I keep waiting for the feelings of unworthiness to rear their ugly head but it's stopped, it's actually stopped
  • am spending more quality time with the grand kids with no pressure on myself whatsoever
About the healing of my procrastination habits, I do have an explanation but it's a bit unbelievable.  I'll trust you to take it with a grain of salt:  Two weeks ago (a few days into my latest sobriety  attempt) I was alone at night as hubby had left for three nights away.  I went across the yard to turn off the shop lights as they were glaring in my bedroom window.  As I stood outside I noticed that the moon was not only full but low and glowing with what looked like an aura of reddish light.  It was profoundly beautiful and called to me.  I stood very still for a few moments and stared up at it.  It seemed to invite conversation.  With no forethought, the following words came to my lips: "Mother Moon, you have now finally stopped pulling blood out of my womb.  Can you now reach deep inside me and coax my authentic self to the surface.. allow me to capture the discipline I need to fulfill my life's purpose."  I mumbled a few more entreaties and went inside.  From that moment on and for the remainder of my time alone that weekend,  my life was filled with reorganization, cleaning and decluttering.  I, literally, worked my ass off from Thursday night until hubby arrived home on Monday afternoon.  I survived on smoothies, home made juices, nuts and seeds.  

Nothing has been the same since.  I think it was my version of "Let Go, let God" or surrendering my weakness to a 'higher power'.  Whatever it was, it is still working.  My house is clean, laundry caught up, office work caught up and I am enjoying my down time without the lingering self-loathing that used to accompany any time I was not using my time to work .. which was often since I was the Queen of Procrastination.

I am riding the waves of this 'new me' and loving it.

Sunday 6 September 2015

Back on Track with 11 Days under my Belt

I`ve been sober for only 11 days, 14 hours and a few minutes.  I`ve had lots of sober stretches but haven`t yet attained my goal:  freedom from the resident monkey on my back.  As usual, this sober stretch feels like the real McCoy.  I am finding it easy as I always do.  I am very determined as I always am.  I hope that the outcome will be different this time.  I hope that this is it!!  The past has determined that alcohol is a formidable foe and is very sneaky (as you all know).

When my guard is down in a few days, weeks or even months a little glass of wine or beer will seem like a very good idea.  When this line of attack occurs, I usually am not prepared and quietly go ahead with it ... totally forgetting that one little drink will lead to another and another and ... how exhausting it is to be actively addicted to booze.

With my elderly, alcoholic mother coming to live with me in two weeks I have to be sober as I am going to have to monitor her one drink per day that we`ve agreed on.  At 85 she`s not going to benefit from a strict abstinence rule and I want her morale to be good while she`s here.  If I allow her more, she will take it as she is in active addiction and has never tried to curb her drinking.  Her former place of residence made it impossible for her to drink much but being here she will try to be conniving in her attempts to drink more.  If she succeeds because my guard is down, she will literally die as her health is shaky at the best of times.  So in order to sustain her life I must be sober.

Lately I have finally started benefiting from the morning meditations I`ve been practicing for the past nine months.  My life has, finally, become more orderly, disciplined and tidy.  This consciousness I am enjoying can only help with my abstinence.  My eyes are open and alert more so now than ever. I can hardly believe how clean my house is, how organized my office is and how caught up I am in all areas of my life.  This is a complete turn around.  The change has, funnily enough, coincided with my sobriety.  Go figure!!

I apologize for burying my head in the sand these past few weeks.  It`s what I do when I am unhappy with myself.  I have to remember that if I can be honest anywhere, I can be honest here.  No judgement from you guys that I can remember.

Something I have come to realize as a result of being a very moderate drinker these past few years is that moderate or not, I still have the addiction.  Booze still calls my name and pokes me, prods me, tempts me and humiliates me no matter how much or how little I drink.  Just because I am able to control it for the most part does not mean that I am a `normie`.  I do not have to control my intake of tea, peanut butter, chicken or avocados; just booze and coffee (yes, coffee).  No other substance takes up so much of my precious time and energy.

Off to a Farmer`s Market.  Thanks for reading.