Tuesday 17 May 2016

Snow .. And An Inside Tip

WE HAD SNOW!!! It's supposed to be spring around these parts.  Yes, even in Quebec Canada where my lake house is it's that time of the year when life is supposed to be RENEWED.  I woke up yesterday at the lake house which we are preparing to sell and the snow that had fallen all the day before had settled overnight to form a pretty blanket of white s%&t on the hills and surrounding forest.  What a let down!

But hey, I'm sober so all is well.  Getting close to two months now and I've hit a milestone socially.  Our good friends and drinking buddies set up their trailer on the lake house property and had beer in hand each morning by 11:00 a.m. and continuously drank until the wee hours of the morning; hubby joining in at dinner time.  I managed through drinking lots of warm tea (which felt great in my cold little hands) and the occasional N/A beer.  I found myself doing all the clean up after meals as everyone else sat around to continue drinking and chatting; this issue WILL be rectified soon.

I still think the summer is going to be full of drinking bullshit and slobbery conversations so I am hopeful the lake house sells quickly.  It is absolutely beautiful, under priced and nestled in the forests and lakes of the Laurentian Mountains so what's not to love.  We need to unload it for financial reasons.

Check out this link http://premiumnearbeer.com/

If you are Canadian or live close to the border, try the selection of A/F wines they offer.  I love the white MADD Virgin Blanc white wine and the Red Carl Jung Merlot.  They both taste like the real deal and are only 9.99 Canadian delivered.  Minimum order of six required.

My sugar cravings are pretty intense right now and I am trying to to eat too much junk but it's hard.

I've read the Happiness Project by Gretchen Rubin over the weekend and loved it.  I am gearing up for my sixtieth birthday in October and wish to be at my best both physcally and emotionally by this fall to reverently prepare myself for the beginning of my Wise Woman Years.  I look forward to growing old now that I have things a little more in perspective.

Self-loathing is at an all-time low level right now as I am learning to accept my idiosyncrasies and character 'flaws' with more indulgence and love.

Well it's mid-May and I am putting hat, coat and gloves on to go get the mail.  C'est la vie!

Sunday 8 May 2016

Mother's Day Sobriety

Happy Mother's Day to All you Sober Moms!!  To All you Drinking Mom's who dream of Sobriety, Happy Mother's Day as well.

Motherhood can be unrewarding at times but the payback for all the hard work bringing up kids to adulthood is becoming a Grandmother.

Today my baby grandchild, Josie, get's christened.  She is the daughter of my adopted, Korean daughter and is of mixed blood rendering her absolutely gorgeous.  Her personality as the second of two under two is so sweet and patient.  She waits her turn at the age of nine months.  All five of my five under five will be there at the christening and they'll be vying for a place on Granny's knee.  I love being a Granny and when I see them I stop everything I'm doing and we have adventures.  They grow up so quickly and I don't want to miss a moment.

My own mother has been thriving in the months she has been living with us.  She is more chatty, involved and confident than when she arrived fresh from institutional care.  I still have to monitor her drinking.  Last night after her beer with dinner she asked if she could pour herself a liqueur.  She poured herself not a single; not a double, but a triple.  I hate being the bad guy but I have to be strict with her often.  This is the only negative aspect of her living with us. She thinks my abstinence is absolutely ludicrous.  I can't really say that I don't want to be a desperate woman whose sole raison d'etre is her next drink when I am her age.  So I just say nothing.

We have minded my Uncle's goofy pug puppy for the weekend.  He chews, pees, shits and eats.  Sweet pup and adorable but what a handful.  He's a good reminder that when we decide to get a dog, a one year old would be more beneficial both to us and to the dog.  The older ones are harder to place.
Well off to get dressed in a nice dress as us mothers will be brought to the front of the church this morning to light candles at the Christening.

Sobriety is easier lately.  I struggled this past week.  I will struggle again.  

Saturday 7 May 2016

My Puny Little Troubles

When I feel overwhelmed and that I will never get caught up with my commitments, both personal and work related, it is a feeling of despair and powerlessness.  I feel cornered and almost doomed.  I know it's stupid to feel this way.  When I really and truly look at my workload and what I've promised to do it is very manageable.  If I do one thing at a time and put one foot in front of the other all will get done with the unneeded activities falling to the wayside.  I think the real problem is that I crave a time in my life when there is NOTHING to do.

I watch my elderly mom who lives with me spend her days reading, watching 'her' Toronto Blue Jays and the Antiques Road Show, playing solitaire and cards with me when I have time.  She puffs on her e-cigarette, sucks her Werther's Originals and sips her beer in the evening. Don't get me wrong.  I am not envying her drinking.  I am envying her time to do exactly as she pleases.

In reality there are two facts; both of which are largely ignored by me when I am frustrated.  1.  Better organization would buy me lots more time to pursue my own interests.  2.  When I do have time to myself, I tend to waste it by surfing facebook, pinterest or other social media sites and especially by playing endless computer Scrabble games.    

Despite the fact that I have lots of appointments with my mom, deadlines for construction project bids, payroll, grandchildren to help take care of, a house to manage and meals to prepare, if I was living in a more conscious way, I could be very happy all of the time; rather than somewhat happy most of the time.  By really applying myself to my office work first thing in the morning instead of dilly-dallying, reading the paper, having three coffees and lazing about, I could free up a lot more 'me' time.  Just being proactive in my day to day commitments would help also.  I walk by the same piece of clothing or displaced item twenty times before picking it up and putting it away.  I create the disorganization that leads to limited 'me' time.

By planning my meals I will eat healthier.
By jumping on the rebounder, if only for 5 minutes at a time, I will get my exercise in.
By getting the nasty jobs done, I will make way for the fun stuff.
By limiting my mindless computer activity, I can work on my book, my blog, my recovery.

When I am older I will look upon these busy days with fond memories.  My life is good.  I can manage it all.  I have the privilege of working from home on a part time basis.  I have a loving husband who is also my 'boss' and not a micro manager.  I have the choice to say no to any extra work requested of me.

The source of my frustration is my own self sabotage.  Feeling my feelings makes me sad.  When I'm sad, I am not productive.  I have started reminding myself when I have little 'poor me' moments that I am experiencing the pain that is part of the journey of true recovery.  All my previous recovery attempts were superficial in that I never got to the point where I let the real work begin.  The real work of recovery is the creation of a fulfilling life from the ashes of the fires of active drinking.

When I think of my fellow Canadians in Fort Mac, their recovery from the bush fire that is now the size of the city of Chicago puts my puny troubles in proper perspective.

Knowledge is power.  I know I can be happy.  Attitude is everything.  

Friday 6 May 2016

Still Here and Still Sober

The leaves have finally started bursting from the buds.  Spring is in the air and the rabbits,cardinals and blue jays are entertaining us.  We have been sitting out in the evenings finally.  The burning of the City of Fort MacMurry, Alberta is very disturbing and the fire is far from under control.  My heart goes out to those evacuees.

I have been struggling with feeling my feelings and it's hard.  I have to admit it.  I left the house yesterday morning and went up to the lake house just to get a change of scenery.  It was very therapeutic and lovely.  I walked on the beach and sat on the wharf.  I came away from there feeling refreshed and renewed.

We are babysitting my Uncle and his boyfriends, baby pug puppy this weekend.  He's sweet but totally out of control.

My 9 month old granddaughter is getting baptized this Sunday on Mother's Day.

I am still sober and determined to make this the last hurrah!

Have a great sober weekend.


Tuesday 3 May 2016

Lack of Personal Care

I've been noticing that I am desperately in need of some womanly maintenance.  My eyebrows have joined together in holy hairiness.  My chin is full of blackheads, dry, peeling skin and pubic-like hair. My upper lip is resembling a teenage boys.  My teeth are neglected and in need of a cleaning.  I am in dire need of a hair cut and have gained; not lost, a few pounds since I've given up the sauce.  My finger and toe nails are a sight to behold.

May was to be my no sugar month and I feel good about this (although if it heightens my alcohol cravings, I will indulge in the sugar).  I should really book some vanity time at the local salons as well.  My self-confidence could really use the boost and, despite the fact that we are tight financially.

Being sober has really heightened the fact that I am fighting some pretty serious self-loathing.  My procrastination, lack of motivation, underachievement of goals, lack of personal and health care all point to the fact that I need to rally myself and find ways to nurture my own well being and satisfaction.

The problem with taking care of personal responsibilities and oneself is that it is NOT a one time thing.  It's ongoing and should carry on indefinitely.  This is a huge undertaking.  I feel overwhelmed by my chipped toenail polish let alone my whole self falling apart.  I am already responsible for putting meals on the table for Mom and hubby and myself, keeping up with Mom's many appointments for her ears, eyes, insomnia, physiotherapy, piano lessons, foot care, hair and doctor's appointments along with picking up and dispensing her daily meds.

I sometimes feel like just running away.  A better idea might be to take all the items of necessity and of vanity, lump them together, make a weekly plan and stick to it.  Being a scattered person, this is almost an insurmountable task.

Putting one foot in front of the other is the only way to move forward, upward and out of this funk.

I will start making phone calls.  Now, where do I start??