Wednesday 17 September 2014


In my life, I've always felt unsettled; not quite where I wanted to be.  There was always something I was reaching for: to get married, to have a child, to lose weight, to exercise more, to have someone love me, and now, to reach sobriety and, thereby serenity.

I am anxious for the day to come when I finally stop striving and start living.  I can't seem to cross the finish line and just settle happily and comfortably in my own skin.  Part of me feels that as soon as I let my guard down, I'll gradually become a slovenly, disheveled, computer addicted, drunk.   Why do I have to keep my guard up and my voice constantly nagging in order to simply do nice things for myself?  

Every single habit I am striving to incorporate in my life are for the betterment of my own self.  Each of them is achievable.  The only person that has the ability to stop me from achieving my goals is myself.  None of my goals are earth-shatteringly difficult with the possible exception of giving up booze at times.  

I am in the midst of the realization that I, and only I am in charge of my life.  I can make my little nagging voice shut up for once and for all by simply making myself happy by:
  • moving my body by walking on the lush, riverside paths that surround my home or, on rainy days, rebounding to my favourite music
  • using my brain by reading some of the fifteen or more spiritual and recovery books that are strewn throughout this tiny trailer not to mention what's on the Kobo e-reader
  • being creative by writing blog posts or working on my novel or hauling my keyboard out and playing it outside under the trailer's awning
  • eating healthy foods which our new neighbors are gifting us on a daily basis from the bounties of their gardens
  • not drinking booze without which none of the above can possibly be achieved
If I did these few things on a regular basis, I would be happy.  I would stop striving.  It's that simple. I am with the man I love, living in a familiar and warm community surrounded by my sweet grandchildren.  We're all healthy for now and no one is fighting (Hubby and Son called a truce).

Have I found the solution or is this blog post just another way of practicing my long-time habit of striving.  It depends on how I go about my day tomorrow.


  1. Your post reminds me so much of myself. For years I made lists of what I would do to fix things, change thing, with the end result being that I would be happier.

    In the end, it was relinquishing these plans that works. I surrendered. One part of that was giving up the booze. Unequivocally.

    The other was surrendering to life as it is. To sit in the moment and relish everything I have. To love my body for what it can do and has done - especially growing 2 children.

    I don't know if you go to AA! But you may want to consider going. The spirit of the 12 steps is really a path to self awareness. Being around others who are searching, or have found, this might help you with your quest!

    I know I forever harp on self acceptance, but it is a big thing.

  2. Learning to live in the present and accept myself for where I am right now is an ongoing struggle...I know we all need to learn self acceptance and are on the path that is right for you..follow the yellowbrick road! Hugs!

  3. Hi...thinking of you and wondering how you are doing? Hoping you are coping...l'm trying to reach out more as I know it will help me on this journey to stay sober.