Almost at Day 30 and still on a doozy of a honeymoon. I had two of my former co-workers and their husbands for dinner last night so they could finally see our house as a finished product. These women have been my good friends for close to ten years and we've seen each other through lots of births, deaths and challenges. We all have kids; adopted as well as natural, we are all grandmothers of young ones and I love them dearly. We had red wine on hand as there was an Italian contingent among them. Elaine brought farm fresh eggs laid by her chickens and maple syrup from her trees. A small jar took forty jars of sap to produce so it was liquid gold. Pina and Gino brought a nicely wrapped bottle of Chianti (my favourite). I didn't miss a beat. I made us women pre-dinner drinks and hubby handled the men. I poured ice, tonic water, pineapple juice and a few drops of Wild Orange Essential Oil in tall glasses and we were all set. Not one of them wanted booze. At dinner Elaine and I abstained, Pina had half a glass of red and the men polished off two bottles as well as a small glass of brandy.
All this to say, I was the belle of the ball, happily serving up salmon with anchovy lemon sauce, rapini and fritters. The meal had it's flaws as I tried new recipes and I was OK with that. My dessert was a No-Fail Eagle Brand Sweetened Condensed Milk concoction served with coffee and tea. I was not tempted to drink the wine. I don't know why but I hope it's because of the new reality in my mind; The one I've been denying for years. One leads to another and another and another until eventually I end up 'Quitting' again (an oxymoron if I ever heard one).
After the company left, I finished tidying up which the sober me had quietly kept up with all evening. Hubby then joined me on the couch. I was sitting and he was lying with his head in my lap complaining about feeling dizzy and drunk. No envy coming from this happy abstainer.
My cousins from Montreal, Quebec City, Toronto and Ottawa are all converging in Montreal at the end of the month for s 'soiree de les cousines' and I am attending. I am so excited. My sister just posted on Facebook that she's going to drink us all under the table. Let 'er at it!!
I now accept my problem with alcohol for what it is: All or Nothing. To live an authentic, fulfilling life, I choose Nothing. It's black and white for me.
We have a 22 degree Celsius day ahead and I plan on being outside for most of it. In American, 22 degrees is somewhere between warm and hot. My son may bring his 2 year old over to play and my daughter may bring her 8 month and 20 month old girls over. I told them both I am open to having them over but I'll be outside all day.
Hey more good news: I offered my sister from Seattle who is coming in for a wedding the use of my car but the catch is that she has to fly into Ottawa to pick it up and drive to Toronto for the wedding then drive it back to Ottawa even though hubby and I'll be in Toronto at the wedding too. Her logic was that I could drive the car home and she could fly to Seattle out of Toronto. I am being generous with lending my car and the drinking, insecure me would have said, OK. I told her I don't want to drive in Toronto so I will not be doing so. She is so used to me caving so she tried to use her wit and charm to guilt me into it. The selfish me said "No." Use my car, that's all I am offering. This is huge for the usual pushover me.
I am rambling but thought I should post on my blog as this is a huge part of my recovery and to skip more than a week spells trouble. Have a great week and I'll check in soon.
Namaste
Sunday, 17 April 2016
Sunday, 10 April 2016
Three Weeks and Still Honeymooning
It's been three weeks now and I'm in the honeymoon phase of abstinence. For the most part it's easy. Hubby and my Mom who lives with me are drinking on a daily basis and I'm pouring it for them. I have been enjoying our cold well water with a few drops of essential oil. Cassia and Wild Orange, Lemon and Lime, Spearmint, whatever tickles my fancy.
I've been away at the lake house this weekend doing some spring cleaning, etc. and it will be a busy partying summer up there; that I foresee. I love the friends and family that visit but the booze will be in my face all the way through. That long period of abstinence I managed a few years back started in the Spring as well; April some time. I went 138 days or so. I remember the situation exactly when I fell off the wagon. It was ridiculously inappropriate. Our house was just about fully built and my son and his wife came over to help paint one week night and for no discernible reason and with no pressure from anyone, I just drank wine. There went that string of perfection.
I am really delving into meditation and recently was able to go into a deep trance like state where I felt totally one with the universe. The experience was life-altering to say the least but it was also a kick in the pants in the direction of sobriety and authenticity. I picked up a book called Spirit Walker and have been floored by some of the writing on our sub-conscious mind and our endless possibilities as souls in human bodies. The last line in the book is "If We Don't Change Directions, We May End Up Where We are Headed" which is the same quote I've used for years as a tagline on one of my sobriety chat rooms. Pure Coincidence, ya I know.
I am done rambling; just checking in.
xox
I've been away at the lake house this weekend doing some spring cleaning, etc. and it will be a busy partying summer up there; that I foresee. I love the friends and family that visit but the booze will be in my face all the way through. That long period of abstinence I managed a few years back started in the Spring as well; April some time. I went 138 days or so. I remember the situation exactly when I fell off the wagon. It was ridiculously inappropriate. Our house was just about fully built and my son and his wife came over to help paint one week night and for no discernible reason and with no pressure from anyone, I just drank wine. There went that string of perfection.
I am really delving into meditation and recently was able to go into a deep trance like state where I felt totally one with the universe. The experience was life-altering to say the least but it was also a kick in the pants in the direction of sobriety and authenticity. I picked up a book called Spirit Walker and have been floored by some of the writing on our sub-conscious mind and our endless possibilities as souls in human bodies. The last line in the book is "If We Don't Change Directions, We May End Up Where We are Headed" which is the same quote I've used for years as a tagline on one of my sobriety chat rooms. Pure Coincidence, ya I know.
I am done rambling; just checking in.
xox
Tuesday, 5 April 2016
Recovery is Raw
As I explained in the last post, I was sent into a tailspin this morning because of a decision my sister made that I perceived as selfish and insensitive. I went through the mine field of normal family conflict for the first time since I quit drinking 15 days ago.
I acted out of sadness and disappointment. But I did not drink.
I jumped on my rebounder and listened to 21 Things to Do on a Sober Weekend on my new fav podcast .. but I did not drink.
I had a long bath and cried but I did not drink.
I went out in freezing temperature to walk to the post office and back ... but I did not drink.
I ate a monster cookie, two chocolate Easter eggs and a handful of Sun Chips .. but I did not drink.
My Uncle and his partner dropped in for supper unexpected with a large bottle of my favourite red wine. I uncorked it and poured a round, served it up and set the table .. but I did not drink.
I spent time actually feeling my emotions (they were in my belly) and sitting with them and sure enough they are passing now. I know my sister is upset that I am upset with her. The old drinking, Libra, insecure me would have called her up to apologize for feeling upset and asking for HER forgiveness. The New Me is going to let it be. When we do speak I will not hold a grudge. There are two sides to every story. My hurt and disappointment is real but I will not be stupid enough to hold on to anger or resentment.
Enough said about that. I will stop beating a dead horse. Most importantly, I did not drink.
Thanks for all the helpful comments.
I acted out of sadness and disappointment. But I did not drink.
I jumped on my rebounder and listened to 21 Things to Do on a Sober Weekend on my new fav podcast .. but I did not drink.
I had a long bath and cried but I did not drink.
I went out in freezing temperature to walk to the post office and back ... but I did not drink.
I ate a monster cookie, two chocolate Easter eggs and a handful of Sun Chips .. but I did not drink.
My Uncle and his partner dropped in for supper unexpected with a large bottle of my favourite red wine. I uncorked it and poured a round, served it up and set the table .. but I did not drink.
I spent time actually feeling my emotions (they were in my belly) and sitting with them and sure enough they are passing now. I know my sister is upset that I am upset with her. The old drinking, Libra, insecure me would have called her up to apologize for feeling upset and asking for HER forgiveness. The New Me is going to let it be. When we do speak I will not hold a grudge. There are two sides to every story. My hurt and disappointment is real but I will not be stupid enough to hold on to anger or resentment.
Enough said about that. I will stop beating a dead horse. Most importantly, I did not drink.
Thanks for all the helpful comments.
Grrr !!
I am dealing with a big disappointment and trying to allow the emotion to wash over me and not try to find a way to un-feel my pain.
We have a family wedding in Toronto in July and my elderly mother, myself and my husband will be attending. My sister has made it clear she does not want my Mom or hubby and myself staying with her as she is hosting my brother, his wife and son who are also from out of town. Whenever there is a family function in my part of the country, I open my small home to everyone. Hubby and I have even stayed at a B & B across the street to free up a comfortable bed for her and her husband. She lives in a four bedroom huge home with plenty of room. My mother does not do stairs well and if she stayed there she would take up a couch on the main floor.
My Mom loves my sister and will be hurt if she knows she is not welcome. My mother never sees this out of town son as he lives in Vancouver. If we (or she) does not stay with family we cannot stay longer than one or two nights because of the cost of hotel rooms. There is no where else for Mom to stay with a bathroom on the main level.
Hubby and I DESERVE a break to stay away from Mom for one or two nights. My sister should welcome my Mother. My mom is quiet and actually afraid of this sister of mine so she would be no trouble. She would just be there to enjoy spending time with the out of town family. She would love to be there despite the fact that my sister is a little harsh with her at times.
I accept the fact that I am not welcome; I can crash anywhere. My mother does not deserve this. Although she is an alcoholic and sometimes a little negative, she is no trouble to have around as she talks little, eats little and sleeps a lot.
I sent my sister an email expressing my bafflement and hurt and asked her to give me some time to digest her coldness.
I will not drink.
We have a family wedding in Toronto in July and my elderly mother, myself and my husband will be attending. My sister has made it clear she does not want my Mom or hubby and myself staying with her as she is hosting my brother, his wife and son who are also from out of town. Whenever there is a family function in my part of the country, I open my small home to everyone. Hubby and I have even stayed at a B & B across the street to free up a comfortable bed for her and her husband. She lives in a four bedroom huge home with plenty of room. My mother does not do stairs well and if she stayed there she would take up a couch on the main floor.
My Mom loves my sister and will be hurt if she knows she is not welcome. My mother never sees this out of town son as he lives in Vancouver. If we (or she) does not stay with family we cannot stay longer than one or two nights because of the cost of hotel rooms. There is no where else for Mom to stay with a bathroom on the main level.
Hubby and I DESERVE a break to stay away from Mom for one or two nights. My sister should welcome my Mother. My mom is quiet and actually afraid of this sister of mine so she would be no trouble. She would just be there to enjoy spending time with the out of town family. She would love to be there despite the fact that my sister is a little harsh with her at times.
I accept the fact that I am not welcome; I can crash anywhere. My mother does not deserve this. Although she is an alcoholic and sometimes a little negative, she is no trouble to have around as she talks little, eats little and sleeps a lot.
I sent my sister an email expressing my bafflement and hurt and asked her to give me some time to digest her coldness.
I will not drink.
Monday, 4 April 2016
The Wine Bitch Rocks!
Oh Jackie, she is brilliant! While I was jumping on my rebounder I listened to Jackie's latest 2 Podcasts over at Sober Sassy Life with Jackie Elliot. You can download the free app called OneCast to your phone and find it there or listen using i-Tunes where you can leave comments.
On the first podcast, Car Camping and AA she talked about AA and it's steps. She explains how she's coming to see the sense of some steps now that she's had some sober time under her belt and talks about coming out and apologizing to those you've harmed in your drinking days. Her subject is AA but her insights are A+. This woman is not only very intelligent and highly skilled at expressing herself, she is very insightful and able to relate and empathize to a high degree. Listen to this wonderful podcast.
The second one was award worthy. Her subject was relapsing and it was titled Rebounding from a Relapse. She spoke of many bloggers, blog followers and members of cyber communities; people like you and me who are on an abstinence roll and very present in the cyber world.... until suddenly, we're NOT. We've had a drink or more. Jackie hits the nail on the head with this one as she touches on how it's not the end of the world; it's just a blip. Her take on this subject is so encouraging to me, a chronic relapser. Also she explains that a relapse is usually not thought out or even debated. Rather it's a sudden, inexplicable decision made on the spot. I won't go into any further detail except to say, this one was very much a sobriety tool that I will keep and cherish.
Jackie is a big part of my sober toolbox along with exercise, meditations, non-drinking friends, accountability, healthy food and hard-headedness. Yes, that's a word here in Canada!! Eh!!
I hope I never relapse again but if I do, I will come back immediately and start where l left off. I am as sober as a person who has ten years under her belt even if I only have 15 days. Thanks for reminding me Wine Bitch! (Jackie's blogging name)
On the first podcast, Car Camping and AA she talked about AA and it's steps. She explains how she's coming to see the sense of some steps now that she's had some sober time under her belt and talks about coming out and apologizing to those you've harmed in your drinking days. Her subject is AA but her insights are A+. This woman is not only very intelligent and highly skilled at expressing herself, she is very insightful and able to relate and empathize to a high degree. Listen to this wonderful podcast.
The second one was award worthy. Her subject was relapsing and it was titled Rebounding from a Relapse. She spoke of many bloggers, blog followers and members of cyber communities; people like you and me who are on an abstinence roll and very present in the cyber world.... until suddenly, we're NOT. We've had a drink or more. Jackie hits the nail on the head with this one as she touches on how it's not the end of the world; it's just a blip. Her take on this subject is so encouraging to me, a chronic relapser. Also she explains that a relapse is usually not thought out or even debated. Rather it's a sudden, inexplicable decision made on the spot. I won't go into any further detail except to say, this one was very much a sobriety tool that I will keep and cherish.
Jackie is a big part of my sober toolbox along with exercise, meditations, non-drinking friends, accountability, healthy food and hard-headedness. Yes, that's a word here in Canada!! Eh!!
I hope I never relapse again but if I do, I will come back immediately and start where l left off. I am as sober as a person who has ten years under her belt even if I only have 15 days. Thanks for reminding me Wine Bitch! (Jackie's blogging name)
Saturday, 2 April 2016
Morning After My Close Call
I work up this morning and have no regrets about abstaining last night. Duh!! I asked Hubby on the way home from the pub last night if it bothered him that I didn't drink. He let out a rousing "Bain Non!!" He's French. LOL. He could care less if I drink - bless his ethanol infused heart!! He only had two drafts last night. We both agreed that it was a great evening.
For me, it was a reminder that Jason Vale is right. One can have as much or more fun partying sober (and straight) as those having a few brew. My internal clock woke me up at 5:30 am this morning as that's when I arise during the week to meditate. It feels fantastic to be sitting here in my jammies, sipping coffee, listening to a soft music playlist and watching the birds at the feeder and the geese returning noisily. I feel fantastic.
Today I am treating myself to a movie matinee of My Big Fat Greek Wedding 2 with a girlfriend then we're picking up Indian food and bringing it over to a mutual friend who is house bound. Oh but times have changed. I am so glad hubby and I moved to Ontario. Quebec was a great experience and I learned to speak French but being back in my own culture makes staying sober easier. In Quebec I felt I needed to be loaded to fit in. My idea; no one else's.
I am VERY happy I abstained last night... EXTREMELY pleased with myself.
I just arranged a bowling evening for hubby and I and another couple. He is trying to quit too so it'll be a nice distraction from a home get-together where the booze is the focal point... for both of us.
Have a great day!
xoxo
For me, it was a reminder that Jason Vale is right. One can have as much or more fun partying sober (and straight) as those having a few brew. My internal clock woke me up at 5:30 am this morning as that's when I arise during the week to meditate. It feels fantastic to be sitting here in my jammies, sipping coffee, listening to a soft music playlist and watching the birds at the feeder and the geese returning noisily. I feel fantastic.
Today I am treating myself to a movie matinee of My Big Fat Greek Wedding 2 with a girlfriend then we're picking up Indian food and bringing it over to a mutual friend who is house bound. Oh but times have changed. I am so glad hubby and I moved to Ontario. Quebec was a great experience and I learned to speak French but being back in my own culture makes staying sober easier. In Quebec I felt I needed to be loaded to fit in. My idea; no one else's.
I am VERY happy I abstained last night... EXTREMELY pleased with myself.
I just arranged a bowling evening for hubby and I and another couple. He is trying to quit too so it'll be a nice distraction from a home get-together where the booze is the focal point... for both of us.
Have a great day!
xoxo
Friday, 1 April 2016
Draft Beer and Moon Women
Tonight hubby suggested we go out for dinner. I hadn't mentioned to him that I've been sober for 12 days. I've done it so many times that it's a non-issue. He really wanted a pub atmosphere with live music and draft beer. Yikes. I tried to maneuver our way to a Thai Restaurant so I could drink tea but that restaurant was dead and, like I said, he wanted action.
I was arguing with myself and making deals about drinking a virgin caesar (Canadian version of a Bloody Mary) or a beer but not tell anyone or maybe I can only drink when I'm out with hubby; not at home. I can't believe I was suckered into this song and dance.
We sat down and he realized he had forgotten his phone in the car. He suggested I order a pitcher of draft beer and left to grab the phone. I was desperately searching for the waitress so I could oreder our drinks. My mind was spinning. I finally caught the her eye and asked about virgin drinks. She suggested a Shirley Temple. Bars aren't very accommodating to us abstainers. I then ordered him a large Keith's Draft and myself a club soda with lime.
Ya I know, hurray for me. But I came close. I did go through the should I, shouldn't I conversations in my head. What stopped me: mostly that one of those Moon Women from my big confessional outburst might be at this same bar. They did not seem much like Bar Flies; more like Tea Room Hippies but there was a chance. Another thought that stopped me was that I knew I would regret it. From countless same situations, I do not recall one time that I drank after a period of abstinence and afterwards, declared that it was a 'good idea'. Inevitably and predictably, I would regret it. That I knew to be true.
Being at a bar and having access to draft beer is a BIG TRIGGER for me. I love cold draft beer even thought I am fighting my wine addiction. I had no business being there. Hubby is so good to me and my elderly Mom and he works so hard, when he expressed such enthusiasm for the Bar Scene I wanted to please him by being agreeable.
Did not drinking affect my good time? Not at all. I did consciously decide at some point to get high on life and I was tuned in and focused on having fun. There was a loud, guitarist playing and singing and the whole bar was singing along with him which was fun. The food was good. While we were there my son texted us to announce he had finalized the deal to buy a house 15 minutes from us. We were both happy about this news and toasted our good fortune.
All in all it was a close call but I really have a hard time believing I would have had a drink. I am too fed up with the absolute stupidity of me drinking. I just can't handle it emotionally.
Just letting you know I am still here and sober.
xoxo
I was arguing with myself and making deals about drinking a virgin caesar (Canadian version of a Bloody Mary) or a beer but not tell anyone or maybe I can only drink when I'm out with hubby; not at home. I can't believe I was suckered into this song and dance.
We sat down and he realized he had forgotten his phone in the car. He suggested I order a pitcher of draft beer and left to grab the phone. I was desperately searching for the waitress so I could oreder our drinks. My mind was spinning. I finally caught the her eye and asked about virgin drinks. She suggested a Shirley Temple. Bars aren't very accommodating to us abstainers. I then ordered him a large Keith's Draft and myself a club soda with lime.
Ya I know, hurray for me. But I came close. I did go through the should I, shouldn't I conversations in my head. What stopped me: mostly that one of those Moon Women from my big confessional outburst might be at this same bar. They did not seem much like Bar Flies; more like Tea Room Hippies but there was a chance. Another thought that stopped me was that I knew I would regret it. From countless same situations, I do not recall one time that I drank after a period of abstinence and afterwards, declared that it was a 'good idea'. Inevitably and predictably, I would regret it. That I knew to be true.
Being at a bar and having access to draft beer is a BIG TRIGGER for me. I love cold draft beer even thought I am fighting my wine addiction. I had no business being there. Hubby is so good to me and my elderly Mom and he works so hard, when he expressed such enthusiasm for the Bar Scene I wanted to please him by being agreeable.
Did not drinking affect my good time? Not at all. I did consciously decide at some point to get high on life and I was tuned in and focused on having fun. There was a loud, guitarist playing and singing and the whole bar was singing along with him which was fun. The food was good. While we were there my son texted us to announce he had finalized the deal to buy a house 15 minutes from us. We were both happy about this news and toasted our good fortune.
All in all it was a close call but I really have a hard time believing I would have had a drink. I am too fed up with the absolute stupidity of me drinking. I just can't handle it emotionally.
Just letting you know I am still here and sober.
xoxo
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