Phew !! Yippeee !! Yikes !!

Last night I went to the next village to pick up my Uncle/Bestie close to the bus stop as he was visiting and the bus did not come all the way to our tiny village.

I arrived early and browsed the local shops.  I ended up close to a pub style restaurant I love and called him.  He was walking towards me and so I told him to meet me at the pub.  As I hung up and waited my monkey mind went into overdrive.

"I'll order him a beer so we can chat before I drive him home."
"They really do have nice draft beer here."
"I should be sociable and join him in a drink."
"But what about my abstinence commitment."
"Exactly why did I give it up completely?"
"I should make sure I don't drink in the house but here at the pub it's Okay."
"One bloody beer won't kill me will it?"
"I really should think about this ... it always starts innocently enough..."
"Do I really want the cycle to re-start?"
"Would a cup of tea satisfy me the way a beer would?"

Then he arrived and vetoed the pub stop as he had bought a large bottle of red and wanted to go to my place and get drunk as he had had a shitty day.

I am not sure what I would have done if he had agreed but when I got home I poured him a large glass of wine, one for my hubby and myself a glass of water with a couple of drops of Spearmint Essential Oil.  It was delicious.

Phew!!

Today, I went to meet a friend for lunch and we don't normally drink at lunch.  I had an unhealthy lunch and a Pepsi which is something I never drink.  We chatted and parted ways.  On the way out I passed the Wine Store and a lady had a big sign saying FREE WINE TASTING.  I passed her and she invited me in to taste some.  Without a second thought I smiled at her, shook my head and declared "No thanks; I am a NON-DRINKER".

Yippee !!

Tonight hubby is taking me and my elderly mother out to a nice restaurant that has lovely draft beer.  Wish me luck.  Right now I am sure I'll remain abstinent.

Yikes !!

The World is My Oyster!

I used to think it was useless to continue with this blog when i kept relapsing.  I remind myself that when I am scrolling through the blogs and see someone posting in the early stages of a new quit, I am drawn to them as I feel so alone when I am taking baby steps after years of talking about quitting.  So I continue.

I am still hanging on to my commitment to refuse alcohol since my last day in Mexico.  I'm in the double digits (been there, done that).  As usual for me, the honeymoon stage of recovery is full of confidence and positive resolve that I am on the forever train to sobriety.  I also know that if and when I relapse it's always after staying away from the cyber sober world for a few days/weeks.  I have to stay close and keep posting.  Although I haven't been posting as much as I should I've been pen-palling and stalking sober blogs.

Alcohol, in hindsight, never seems like quite the problem it is when I am in the middle of my drinking times.  When I look back I always remember the nice wine with dinner, the mojito on the beach, the ice cold draft beer on the patio but never the barfing over the side of a friend's hot tub, the listless me slumped over ready for bed at 7pm when the party is just starting.

I have noticed that I am so wide awake, funny and vivacious (as much as one can be at close to 60) at a party when I am abstaining.  My mornings are lovely too.  We have been taking DoTerra Essential Oils and their brand of supplements also).  Renewed energy for both of us and we are hitting milestones in the lovemaking department if you know what I mean.

I have noticed that hubby is abstaining for the most part too.  I really couldn't care less at this point but for his own sake, I am happy.

I surprised myself by not only remembering to complete my list of 'to do's', I found myself outside snow-shoeing by the side of the river and into the nearby forest two days in a row.  I am looking outside as I type and I think I will head out again this morning.

What the hell just happened?  I am not myself?  Who is this new person and what has she done with Princess Procrastinator???

Booze free is one thing.  Booze free and souped up on quality supplements and the World is my Oyster!!

Pen Pals and Promises

I have returned from the Mexican Mayan Penninsula where I was vacationing and celebrating my son's marriage.  We were away for a week and there was a lot of evidence there that drinking is so destructive.  I saw couples divided by idiocy caused directly by booze, hospitalizations due to concussions due to slipping on wet marble floors while intoxicated, no shows for important 'events' due to hangovers and while sipping on (mainly) virgin drinks, I was able to prepare myself for finally letting go of my struggle with alcohol.

Rather than counting days, I am following Jason Vale's advice and celebrating my victory over alcohol's control each and every day from now on.  My last drink (a glass of red) was on January 15th at the Table d'Autre Restaurant in the resort.  I re-read Jason's book during the last two days of vacation as part of my plan to finally move forward with this new, exciting time in my life booze free.

I came home to a very good example of my future should I continue to stop and start with my quitting.  My Mother is literally sneaking drinks behind my back.  Picture a little, impish, 85 year old hunched crone shuffling around the house with a pair of needle nosed pliers in her hands.  Asked why the pliers, she replies "How the Hell else am I going to open the bottle of Irish Cream?"  We had to hide the liquers (from Christmas).  She fell out of bed last night.  She could not get up and at 4:00 am I was awakened by her banging her fist on the floor to get my attention.  Hate the booze, not the boozer!!

I have managed to nab a lovely New Zealander and an enthusiastic, articulate American as pen pals.  We have lots in common and I am looking forward to checking in with them daily to keep me on the straight and narrow.

I've been having amazing meditations that are bringing me to places I never dreamed I would go so I guess sobriety appeals to my authentic self.

Have a great day Peeps.

2015 in Review

An honest review of 2015 would reflect some great advances in my authentic life and some items that have not totally been addressed and resolved.

In 2015 I began and continued my morning meetings with my neighbor for an hour of conversation, a reading from a 'book of awakening' and a ten minute meditation.  We were meeting every day for the first six months and I cut that down to the work days with weekends to lie in and that worked beautifully for me.  The morning starts at 5:30 a.m. and this, in itself, allows for an extra two hours of productivity which has made a big impact on my day to day living.

I have become much more organized and this makes me very happy.  I still procrastinate but not to the extent I have in the past.  My office work is usually caught up and my house tidy.  I have to say that I am better able to stay focused on the present moment and to not take things personally thanks to the meditation and our daily chats.  My meditation partner is a complicated person with her own set of problems but together we plod along helping each other become better people.  I keep a social distance from her as I am averse to letting people (especially neighbors) get too casually comfortable in my home.  I think I have to work on this.  As much as I proclaim to be open-minded, I have a protective barrier installed at my front door.  This I am aware of.

I have began using essential oils and enjoying them immensely.  I have found a Native themed woman's circle that sings to my heart.  I have joined the Syrian Refugee Welcoming Committee in our small village.  I have dabbled in yoga.

I have had glorious, plentiful time with Sofia, aged 5, Mason and Jack, aged two, Reyna, aged 18 months and little Josie, aged 5 months.  I have brought them for walks in the woods, raspberry, strawberry and blueberry picking.  We've swam at the lake together.  We've had dance parties in my solarium, baked and iced cookies and had lots of fun.  They love their Granny and I adore each of them.

My husband and I have invited my elderly mother to come live with us and she's been here since September in all her alcoholic glory.  We sprung a deal that she would be allowed no more than one beer a day. Over the long, drawn out Christmas season she has managed to get around that promise. When I watch her desperate efforts to get another glass of booze, I would be blind and stupid to not see my future should I continue to drink.

Drink: I have continued to partake.  The good news is that I am drinking less booze than ever.  The bad news is it still unsettles me that booze still dominates my thoughts.

My wish for 2016 is to return from my trip to Mexico on January 16th and begin a sober, completely abstinent year.  Not only do I wish to be sober but I also want to attend all the gatherings where booze flourishes and to thumb my nose at convention and have a fantastic time sans alcohol.  I want to laugh, dance, tell jokes and be my tipsy, vibrant self all the while sipping on cranberry and soda.

Wishing is one thing; doing is another.  My plan is to stay close to this blog and others like it.  I would love a sober pen pal whose situation is similar to mine: a repeat relapser who is at least of middle age and preferably a (former) wine drinker.  It would be best if it was a she and a high functioning alcoholic.  The more we have in common the better.  Any takers?

While my life has become more authentic this year in many ways, my plan is to accomplish the biggest goal of my life: a year of sobriety.  Achieving this will open the door for this wonderful path of life to turn a corner and veer into uncharted territory: true authenticity, real emotions felt and dealt with, a sense of accomplishment and pride and best of all, the lightness of being that comes with a monkey thrown off one's back forever.

My word for 2016 is Presence.  I need to be present in order to stay conscious of what matters.

Happy New Year!

Surviving a Booze Soaked Evening

I had planned a Sleigh Ride in downtown Ottawa this past Sunday to celebrate the Christmas Season in combination with my daughter's 28th birthday and we, unfortunately, were in the midst of a freezing rain forecast.  After lots of back and forth calls between the Stable Owner, myself and my adult kids and step kids ended, we cancelled. I was disappointed as the booze was on the table and I was anxious to get away from the house.

Two of my kids were at my house with their little families.  They were being responsible with their drinking unlike hubby who was opening the fancy liqueurs he had purchased for Christmas.  I love the taste of Grand Mariner and Baileys Irish Liqueur.  I really wanted some. Badly.

We stayed home and hubby continued to drink in front of me.  He doesn't even know I've quit.  It's like a broken record.  I am always quitting.  I don't even tell anyone anymore.

Luckily, I had just received my box of DoTerra Essential Oils.  I put a drop or two of peppermint oil and lemon oil in a glass jug of water and sipped all evening.  The taste was so clean and fresh.  It was completely opposite to the booze I was craving.

I enjoyed the evening despite the temptations.  They are part of the journey; to be expected in this booze soaked world I live in.

The Essential Oils are a new passion of mine and I am excited to learn more about them and their organic uses in my life.

I had made some home made wontons and put them in some chicken broth.  We had that along with the Chinese dumplings I had also made the night before.  Having delicious food really helped me stay sober.

So a little roadblock was pushed aside and I've moved forward into the second week of sobriety coinciding with the 'Drinking Season'.

Have a great day.

Don't Want to Be Like My Mom

I spent the day at the hospital with my elderly Mom who was in severe back pain right behind her heart.  We (myself and the paramedics) thought it could be a heart attack.  We had her checked out and blood work done with no heart problems other than what is normal for her age found.  When I got home the thought of having a nice stiff drink occurred to me.  Instead I had a bath and shaved my legs, put on comfy PJ's and surfed the net for a spell.  I went to bed happy but tired.

Mom is on strong painkillers and I AM SOBER!!

She is NOT. But that's another story.

I think Mom was sent to live with me to teach me what to expect if I continue to drink.  She is so frail, so slurry and so sad/angry.  I remember her when she was my age having a few beers watching her Toronto Blue Jays or Toronto Maple Leafs and it was all fun and games.  Now she is desperately hanging on to when she can reasonably ask for her first and gaging when it might work out if she asks for a second (or third if she gets really nervy).  I try to be tough with her but she is a lost cause.  At 85 she is beyond reach at this point.  I want my life's path to meander in the complete opposite direction to hers:

She is old and frail:  I hope to be strong and vibrant at 85
She is negative: I am positive and want to stay that way
She is obsessed with her next fix:  I want to be well beyond that stinkin' thinkin' when I am her age
She doesn't eat or exercise besides sugar, booze and shuffling through the dollar store
I want to continue to cook, experiment with fantastic food and enjoy each and every bite.  I hope to be a Granny on the Go!!
She picks favourites and has the capacity to hate those who are not in her good books.  I love my children and grandchildren equally and never want any of them to feel 'less than' in my eyes.
She cannot manage her finances: I hope to continue gaining financial security through smart investments and smart savings plans.
Mom gets very angry when her booze is limited:  I don't want to have booze as an issue ever again.

I have to say that, although I am painting a nasty image of my elderly mother, she is doing her best to be easy to live with and we are somewhat enjoying her and watching her become less judgemental and sullen in our happy, fun home.

I pray (in my own way as I am not religious) that I will not have a 'what the hell' moment and start drinking.  I hope that I am as done as I feel I am at this moment.

Blogging is one of the few ways to keep me on track so here I am.

xoxo

UnSmashed

I was fortunate enough to stumble upon Unsmashed's Blog and went back to when she was struggling with her first few months of her final quit.  Our lives are/were so parallel; both being Canadian, never having hit 'rock bottom' having hubbies and friends who continue to drink, going on all-inclusive vacations, etc.  Her words resonate so much with me.

I am leaving for my son's wedding in Mexico on January 9th and plan on being sober between now and then and continuing during and well beyond that vacation.  I know it will be difficult as I will be the ONLY one not drinking there.  A few people attending are active alcoholics and I will be bullied by these same people to join in the partying.

I am so tired of the stop-start sobriety I've allowed my life to become.  When I drink a little, it is only temporary.  Before long I know I will have a 'big' night.  The last time I hurled over the side of a good friends hot tub and then went to bed.  Real Classy!!

I will be sixty in October and my horoscope has indicated, around that time, I am heading into the best 13 months of my entire life.  It says:

"I want you to celebrate the arrival of 2016, because on September 9, 2016, Jupiter, the giver of gifts and luck, will enter Libra for thirteen months, until October 10, 2017. Over the past several years, you have suffered quite a bit, mainly in regard to either a relationship or your health (or both). Now the universe will make a correction, and you will enter a glorious chapter. In the meantime, you will need to clear out all that is draining you, or no longer of interest to you, to make room for all the goodies the universe will bring you starting in September. You waited eleven-and-a-half years for Jupiter to come, and he is almost here!

The universe has not forgotten you, dear Libra. The universe loves you. You will see proof of this very soon.

In preparation for this time, I am going to stay on course and protect my sobriety.  Over the past few years, my drinking has petered down to almost never with the occasional gong show so I have a great footing when it comes to knowing how to say no and how to have fun sober.

Boredom is a trigger for me and I am increasing my rebounding, yoga, knitting, playing the keyboard and reading. 

If my friend, UnSmashed can do it, then so can I.