Monday, 13 July 2015

Vacation Sans Alcohol

Hubby and I are leaving for vacation today.  It was a last minute decision based on the fact that our construction company has a lull in work activity.  I suggested that we take this opportunity to go to the lake house rather than planning for a vacation that may or may not interfere with work opportunities.

When I get back I will report in... a few days from now.

Friday, 10 July 2015

Doing Things Differently This Time

I certainly am doing everything I can this time to ensure my sobriety.  What I've done diffently this time compared to other times goes as follows:
  • I am using a sobriety counter (and would love to know how to install one on this blog)
  • I have my face holding my last glass of booze grinning like a banshee at me every time I open my lap top and it is my right arm
  • I had a little ceremony to mark the beginning of my new sober life
  • I have a shrine dedicated to my sobriety 
  • I have asked for help on my favourite cyber sober group
  • I have asked Belle from the 100 day Challenge blog for help and she is coming through big time
  • I actually asked a cyber sober friend if we could talk one on one and we did; she is a successful abstainer and a unwavering supporter of me for some reason
  • I told my meditation partner and she's tough... says it like it is.
  • I put a note on my phone listing all the reasons to stay sober and I am to read this list before taking the first drink
  • I've been juicing every day 
Ok, so that's what I did differently.  Now, let's see ... What I am doing the same as before when I eventually relapsed that I might want to consider changing:

  • I am drinking minimal amounts of liquids besides coffee and my morning juice; I will top that up in order to stay hydrated
  • I still have booze in the house.  The last 2 boxes of wine were leftovers (Duh??) from an evening my daughter hosted and she gave them to me.  I've given one to my DIL and when hubby finishes the red (yikes) I will not be buying any; I hardly ever do and I'll make a point of not doing so.
  • I have not found a replacement drink ever that I really love; any suggestions?
That's all I can think of right now.  Any feedback or reminders?  I feel like you know me better than my flesh and blood friends. LOL... 

Thursday, 9 July 2015

After Many Long Years

Looking back it's hard to believe I actually got 138 days under my belt before crumbling under the tension of that particular day.

What life has taught me since then is that:

  • stress is temporary; the only thing that is consistent is change itself
  • one drink leads to another; my relapse was last September and I have not gone more than two weeks alcohol free since then
  • giving up booze has nothing to do with strength, willpower or perseverance and everything to do with allowing yourself to be vulnerable, authentic and real
  • there is no 'good time' to quit; now is the time
  • the amount I drink does not matter; it's the amount of time spent thinking about booze that matters (and it's all I think about)
Today I made a phone call to a cyber-friend who graciously allowed me to contact her.  She has been very supportive and has kept in touch with me even when I have buried my head in the sand as I tend to do.  I have never reached out to anyone before about my drinking.  Speaking with her gave me a feeling of hope.  She told me I was of value and wise and she was sincere; I could tell.  While I struggle with the idea of being worthy of such compliments, her words softened my self-loathing and soothed my aching psyche.  She started her sober journey at the same time I commenced my 138 day marathon and she has managed to stay sober.  I admire her for her commitment to helping those of us who have not been successful and her unwavering compassion as we stumble along stopping and starting our sober stints.  Thank you Ginger.

Yesterday I toasted myself with my last drink.  I have kept the empty glass and have it displayed as a reminder of the day I stopped trying to change and finally became the change I wished to see in myself.   This is it!  It's over!  Where I go from here is where I truly want to be!  

Wednesday, 8 July 2015

A Day To Remember

Today I made a decision that will prove to be the launching pad for my ultimate happiness, serenity, productiveness and fulfillment.

I mark this day in a secretive fashion, not to appear mysterious or important but, simply to quietly and humbly take note of this day so that, in the future when all that is supposed to happen transpires, I may happily go back and see where I was when it all began.

So, with no further ado, I bid you goodnight.

Long Over-Due Update

Lots has been happening; some of it good, some of it bad, all of it creating plenty of food for thought.

The family business has been struggling to meet it's financial commitments and this is worrisome and time consuming.  We are taking from Peter to pay Paul and doing a lot of shifting of electronic funds. It makes you wonder whether money actually matters or in this cyber world we live in, has it become an intangible figment of our imaginations.  We do need proof of money owned to move forward in the business world but besides that it just seems to be a puff of smoke or a waft of air moving through my life with my hand directing it here and there with the click of a mouse or the tap of a finger.

I had an anyphalactic reaction to something; probably cat dander or black fly bites and almost met my maker prematurely.  I was aware as I came close to becoming incapable of breathing that, should I die, my only regret was that my adult life was spent trying to change myself.  I haven't come to any life changing decisions on this revelation except that I know I either have to accept all my faults or stop f&%king around and make permanent change where it's needed.  I am not sure where I am going with this.

My daughter who has a one year old and is expecting her second any time soon has been on and off bed rest and has required a great deal of my time.  I am happy to give it to her and her family but my planned days are mostly interrupted and change has become the constant.  I crave a more settled life and, although, I have the power to create this life for myself, my love for my family trumps anything and everything else.  It's just who I am.

My meditation friend has disappointed me in her attempts to do some investigation to prove that my daughter is lying to me about her need for bed rest.  Without explaining the circumstances, my daughter is telling me the truth.  Even if she was telling me bold faced lies about her condition, my friend has no business even going there.  I've told her to drop it and that we should move on but I am hanging on to my resentment of her unwanted intrusion.  I want to get over this because our meditations and discussions have done wonders for my psyche.  The key, I guess, is to forgive but not forget and to keep my family's day to day goings on to myself but that defeats the purpose of having a friend to vent to.  So I am at a cross roads with this situation.  She is keen to re-establish our former closeness but I need some time.  I will meditate on this today.

My drinking was at a respectable level.  I am feeling it creeping up on me due to recent stresses and having had the proverbial carpet pulled out from under me.  Diligence is my ever present side kick as I traverse the dangerous road ahead.  I pray that my combination of self-acceptance and moderation can somehow unite to soothe my soul into re-emerging authentically and happily.  All I want is peace of mind and to live each day fully and without shame or guilt.

What am I doing that is positive:  I am juicing every morning.  I take 10,000 steps daily or close to it.  I get outside daily.  I am enjoying my grandchildren.  I am swimming at the lake house when I am there.  I am still arising early and meditating with my friend.  My office work is caught up.  I am dropping a few pounds.  I am playing the keyboard.  The house is mostly tidy.  Hubby and I are having lots of nookie.  I love my white hair; it's brilliant.  Now I'm pulling at straws so I'll stop.

Have a great day.