Day 138: I Drank!

I've deleted the problems I described that led to my drinking just in case the wrong eyes see it.

Besides the family business the living conditions here at the trailer are horrendous.  We finally got electricity that stopped the constant drone of the generator and today the guy came to dig the well. He noisily drilled two hundred feet, flooded the place and left me tense from the audio assault and very vulnerable.

I wanted a drink.  I've wanted one for days.  I did not take it easily... I lusted for it for twenty minutes before I lunged. I had been avoiding the sobriety blogs and resources.

I drank.  I drank enough to get tipsy.  I blew 138 days.

Not sure what is going to happen next.  Will I continue to slide down the slippery slope?  Will I stop dead in my tracks and reverse my trajectory?  Please God... let me choose the latter...

How do I feel?  I feel drunk... a little sick to my stomach and tired... so tired.

I knew it was coming.  I was scared. I did not stop it.  I could not stop it.  My life is full of tension and stress and I deny it all the time.  There are undercurrents of jealousy, greed and hatred in my family that I've chosen to ignore.  I could manage not drinking when I was strong but things have beaten me down lately.  Not having a solid home for six months; living like a gypsy, has taken it's toll on me and I succumbed because I feel crushed.

I wanted the drink bad enough to give up 138 days of sobriety.  So I guess it was worth it.  But only if I stop right now.  I have to not look at this as a relapse but as a hiccup.

I`ve got 138 sober days under my belt.  If I drink tomorrow, I`m screwed.  If I don`t then I can continue on this awesome journey.  It`s up to me.