Falling Down the Rabbit Hole

Since I drank a few days ago, I've had a little to drink most nights.  Last night I had wine with dinner and a dessert wine with friends later.  I am not drinking in an abusive way but it surely will end up that way if I am not careful.

When I drank the other day after four months of sobriety, I knew it was the beginning of a relapse.  I felt helpless to stop it.  The four months previous were easy; real easy.

I am posting, not as a sober person but as one who is in the middle of a relapse.  I am dealing with a lot of stress which I am not going to describe again.  Read old posts if you're curious.

At this point I am not sure when or if I will stop.  I know you readers and supporters are staying "Just do it." "Stop already!"  I am not sure I have the ability to do much of anything right now except survive.

As I said I am not drinking every day but have had a few since I relapsed.  I will coast along and report here and hopefully find the strength to get back on the wagon.

I am so sick of regulating myself.

I have decided not to worry about my lack of exercise, junk food intake, computer addiction, procrastination, apathy and other character flaws and concentrate on doing what makes me happy. Maybe by just accepting myself, I will fall into some good habits.

At age 58 (in a few weeks) it's time to let go and let myself live.

I am not implying that I will accept myself getting drunk every night.  I just have to gain some emotional energy in order to get my resolve back.

So, I am stuck in the rabbit hole for a while.  I will be honest about my drinking and eventually, will create a balanced life.  But while living in a tiny trailer, in the bitter cold, on a muddy construction site, running a family business that is about to go bankrupt, I will do the best I can.