Monday, 14 December 2015

Surviving a Booze Soaked Evening

I had planned a Sleigh Ride in downtown Ottawa this past Sunday to celebrate the Christmas Season in combination with my daughter's 28th birthday and we, unfortunately, were in the midst of a freezing rain forecast.  After lots of back and forth calls between the Stable Owner, myself and my adult kids and step kids ended, we cancelled. I was disappointed as the booze was on the table and I was anxious to get away from the house.

Two of my kids were at my house with their little families.  They were being responsible with their drinking unlike hubby who was opening the fancy liqueurs he had purchased for Christmas.  I love the taste of Grand Mariner and Baileys Irish Liqueur.  I really wanted some. Badly.

We stayed home and hubby continued to drink in front of me.  He doesn't even know I've quit.  It's like a broken record.  I am always quitting.  I don't even tell anyone anymore.

Luckily, I had just received my box of DoTerra Essential Oils.  I put a drop or two of peppermint oil and lemon oil in a glass jug of water and sipped all evening.  The taste was so clean and fresh.  It was completely opposite to the booze I was craving.

I enjoyed the evening despite the temptations.  They are part of the journey; to be expected in this booze soaked world I live in.

The Essential Oils are a new passion of mine and I am excited to learn more about them and their organic uses in my life.

I had made some home made wontons and put them in some chicken broth.  We had that along with the Chinese dumplings I had also made the night before.  Having delicious food really helped me stay sober.

So a little roadblock was pushed aside and I've moved forward into the second week of sobriety coinciding with the 'Drinking Season'.

Have a great day.

Wednesday, 9 December 2015

Don't Want to Be Like My Mom

I spent the day at the hospital with my elderly Mom who was in severe back pain right behind her heart.  We (myself and the paramedics) thought it could be a heart attack.  We had her checked out and blood work done with no heart problems other than what is normal for her age found.  When I got home the thought of having a nice stiff drink occurred to me.  Instead I had a bath and shaved my legs, put on comfy PJ's and surfed the net for a spell.  I went to bed happy but tired.

Mom is on strong painkillers and I AM SOBER!!

She is NOT. But that's another story.

I think Mom was sent to live with me to teach me what to expect if I continue to drink.  She is so frail, so slurry and so sad/angry.  I remember her when she was my age having a few beers watching her Toronto Blue Jays or Toronto Maple Leafs and it was all fun and games.  Now she is desperately hanging on to when she can reasonably ask for her first and gaging when it might work out if she asks for a second (or third if she gets really nervy).  I try to be tough with her but she is a lost cause.  At 85 she is beyond reach at this point.  I want my life's path to meander in the complete opposite direction to hers:

She is old and frail:  I hope to be strong and vibrant at 85
She is negative: I am positive and want to stay that way
She is obsessed with her next fix:  I want to be well beyond that stinkin' thinkin' when I am her age
She doesn't eat or exercise besides sugar, booze and shuffling through the dollar store
I want to continue to cook, experiment with fantastic food and enjoy each and every bite.  I hope to be a Granny on the Go!!
She picks favourites and has the capacity to hate those who are not in her good books.  I love my children and grandchildren equally and never want any of them to feel 'less than' in my eyes.
She cannot manage her finances: I hope to continue gaining financial security through smart investments and smart savings plans.
Mom gets very angry when her booze is limited:  I don't want to have booze as an issue ever again.

I have to say that, although I am painting a nasty image of my elderly mother, she is doing her best to be easy to live with and we are somewhat enjoying her and watching her become less judgemental and sullen in our happy, fun home.

I pray (in my own way as I am not religious) that I will not have a 'what the hell' moment and start drinking.  I hope that I am as done as I feel I am at this moment.

Blogging is one of the few ways to keep me on track so here I am.


Monday, 7 December 2015


I was fortunate enough to stumble upon Unsmashed's Blog and went back to when she was struggling with her first few months of her final quit.  Our lives are/were so parallel; both being Canadian, never having hit 'rock bottom' having hubbies and friends who continue to drink, going on all-inclusive vacations, etc.  Her words resonate so much with me.

I am leaving for my son's wedding in Mexico on January 9th and plan on being sober between now and then and continuing during and well beyond that vacation.  I know it will be difficult as I will be the ONLY one not drinking there.  A few people attending are active alcoholics and I will be bullied by these same people to join in the partying.

I am so tired of the stop-start sobriety I've allowed my life to become.  When I drink a little, it is only temporary.  Before long I know I will have a 'big' night.  The last time I hurled over the side of a good friends hot tub and then went to bed.  Real Classy!!

I will be sixty in October and my horoscope has indicated, around that time, I am heading into the best 13 months of my entire life.  It says:

"I want you to celebrate the arrival of 2016, because on September 9, 2016, Jupiter, the giver of gifts and luck, will enter Libra for thirteen months, until October 10, 2017. Over the past several years, you have suffered quite a bit, mainly in regard to either a relationship or your health (or both). Now the universe will make a correction, and you will enter a glorious chapter. In the meantime, you will need to clear out all that is draining you, or no longer of interest to you, to make room for all the goodies the universe will bring you starting in September. You waited eleven-and-a-half years for Jupiter to come, and he is almost here!
The universe has not forgotten you, dear Libra. The universe loves you. You will see proof of this very soon.

In preparation for this time, I am going to stay on course and protect my sobriety.  Over the past few years, my drinking has petered down to almost never with the occasional gong show so I have a great footing when it comes to knowing how to say no and how to have fun sober.

Boredom is a trigger for me and I am increasing my rebounding, yoga, knitting, playing the keyboard and reading. 

If my friend, UnSmashed can do it, then so can I. 

Tuesday, 1 December 2015

Done My Time: Bring on the Success!!

We all have so much in common!  When I look at all my slip-ups and unfulfilled promises to myself I cringe.  When I read other blogs, it makes me realize that I am not alone and that feels so reassuring.  I think it can take a number of years from the time one starts thinking that maybe one has a problem with alcohol until one actually is able to walk away.  I am a late bloomer.  Although I am close to sixty years old I have only been abusing alcohol since I was 45 and recognized it as a problem about 8 years ago.  What a slow learner... I think I've done my time.  I've had my million tries.  I've got the badges to prove it: fluctuating self esteem, vast knowledge of alcoholism, sober pen pals, sobriety app on phone, my own personal sad little blog, favourite sober websites, blogs, etc.  I've got friends and family who think I'm crazy for my back and forth decisions, those who try to tell me I am a normie, those who give me the evil eye when they see me with drink in hand and others who support me no matter where I am in my 'journey'.

Eventually those of us who truly want to quit, DO SUCCEED.  We do.  We have to. I will. I am.

I don't drink.