Amp Up the Ammo

I just can't say 'day one' without cringing.  I am not at day one.  Since I cannot tell a lie, rather than ignoring my blip, I'll say I'm four months sober with one slip.... anything but Day ONE!!  I have had trouble counting days since I started and kept having to go to Mrs. D's new amazing site: Living Sober to get the number on her handy dandy sobriety tracker.  So no more bragging about how many days I've been sober.  I lost that privilege with my slip.

Tonight was a great, big, fat test.  I suggested we order a pizza and hubby said he preferred to go to the local village restaurant.  I knew they served draft.  I really like draft beer.  We went, he ordered an amber draft, supportive angel that he is, and I ordered a lemon water.  I did have a struggle though. I'm not out of the woods yet.

I am not one hundred percent sure of this.  I know I should not drink but now that I've slipped I can see how easy it would be to slip again.  I have a voice in my head telling me that I can drink just the one occasionally.  The celebration of my renewed drinking last night really threw me for a loop.  It's like everyone wants me to be the person with the drink in my hand.  I feel a lot of pressure to drink now that I know hubby found me boring when I was sober.  Even tonight at the restaurant when we were half done our meal I said "I almost ordered a draft beer."  His reply was "There's nothing wrong with having a beer; go ahead."  I did not.

The past four months were really easy compared to this.  Since I quit, I never truly struggled; not like this.  Now I am going to learn what people are talking about when they say quitting is the hardest thing they've done in their lives.  If I can get through these next few weeks sober with the family, business and living conditions being as stressful as they currently are, I CAN DO ANYTHING!!

I must get my hands on some A/F drinks so I fit in as that seems to be my weakness right now. I'm going to check out Living Sober's list of great A/F drinks.  Tools are what I need right now.

It might be time to amp up the meditation practice.