Wednesday, 8 July 2015

Long Over-Due Update

Lots has been happening; some of it good, some of it bad, all of it creating plenty of food for thought.

The family business has been struggling to meet it's financial commitments and this is worrisome and time consuming.  We are taking from Peter to pay Paul and doing a lot of shifting of electronic funds. It makes you wonder whether money actually matters or in this cyber world we live in, has it become an intangible figment of our imaginations.  We do need proof of money owned to move forward in the business world but besides that it just seems to be a puff of smoke or a waft of air moving through my life with my hand directing it here and there with the click of a mouse or the tap of a finger.

I had an anyphalactic reaction to something; probably cat dander or black fly bites and almost met my maker prematurely.  I was aware as I came close to becoming incapable of breathing that, should I die, my only regret was that my adult life was spent trying to change myself.  I haven't come to any life changing decisions on this revelation except that I know I either have to accept all my faults or stop f&%king around and make permanent change where it's needed.  I am not sure where I am going with this.

My daughter who has a one year old and is expecting her second any time soon has been on and off bed rest and has required a great deal of my time.  I am happy to give it to her and her family but my planned days are mostly interrupted and change has become the constant.  I crave a more settled life and, although, I have the power to create this life for myself, my love for my family trumps anything and everything else.  It's just who I am.

My meditation friend has disappointed me in her attempts to do some investigation to prove that my daughter is lying to me about her need for bed rest.  Without explaining the circumstances, my daughter is telling me the truth.  Even if she was telling me bold faced lies about her condition, my friend has no business even going there.  I've told her to drop it and that we should move on but I am hanging on to my resentment of her unwanted intrusion.  I want to get over this because our meditations and discussions have done wonders for my psyche.  The key, I guess, is to forgive but not forget and to keep my family's day to day goings on to myself but that defeats the purpose of having a friend to vent to.  So I am at a cross roads with this situation.  She is keen to re-establish our former closeness but I need some time.  I will meditate on this today.

My drinking was at a respectable level.  I am feeling it creeping up on me due to recent stresses and having had the proverbial carpet pulled out from under me.  Diligence is my ever present side kick as I traverse the dangerous road ahead.  I pray that my combination of self-acceptance and moderation can somehow unite to soothe my soul into re-emerging authentically and happily.  All I want is peace of mind and to live each day fully and without shame or guilt.

What am I doing that is positive:  I am juicing every morning.  I take 10,000 steps daily or close to it.  I get outside daily.  I am enjoying my grandchildren.  I am swimming at the lake house when I am there.  I am still arising early and meditating with my friend.  My office work is caught up.  I am dropping a few pounds.  I am playing the keyboard.  The house is mostly tidy.  Hubby and I are having lots of nookie.  I love my white hair; it's brilliant.  Now I'm pulling at straws so I'll stop.

Have a great day.

No comments:

Post a Comment