When I realized that my problem with alcohol has been simmering for over ten years, my first thought was that I've wasted the past ten years obsessing over alcohol. When I look at the situation realistically I am profoundly grateful for my addiction in that while searching for salvation from it, I found myself.
The past ten years have found me searching, reading, writing and truly getting to know what makes me tick and what's important in life.
I've found Marianne Williamson, Eckhart Tolle, Brene Brown, Jason Vale, Gabor Mater and numerous other prolific, wise men and women. I have maintained a daily meditation practice for well over a year. My diet has improved. My humility and empathy have blossomed. There are so many positive factors that have been a direct result of my searching for a way out of the dark tunnel of addiction.
Thank you Addiction but now it's time to recede. I am now ready to tip my hat to you and bid you adieu. I know my 'cravings' will always be hovering nearby and that I always have to remain vigilant but I am done pretending I don't have a problem. I am done thinking that I can accept my diseased brain's demands for booze and carry on as if it's alright.
Now it's time to put drinking behind me and use the knowledge, empathy and compassion I've gained throughout this journey to help others and to be an example of what success looks like.
Ten years ago I was spending most nights obliviously drinking my half bottle or more of red wine feeling vaguely lonely, vaguely unsettled and very, very tired. When my self examination began, my healing began. Recovery is a slow process and relapse is a big, important part of it. Ten years is a little exaggerated but I guess I needed this time to reframe my values and my goals.
I used to think that I had a huge purpose to fulfill and that booze kept me from doing so. I was going to be a speaker, an author, a role model in society; to CHANGE to world. I have come to know that, although my role is huge, it is like the spokes of a wheel. It starts with me and branches out to my own circle of family and friends. If I can be happily sober in world of fearful drunks, robustly and naturally healthy in a world of sick pill poppers, resolutely positive in a world of pessimists and all that I can be as a Granny of Five, then I am doing the job I was put on Earth to do.