I turned 60 and had wanted to begin this new decade with so much accomplished. I was disappointed in myself that many of my goals had not been met. I was still carrying the extra ten pounds that I had vowed to drop. I was still gorging on sweets and drinking too much coffee. I was an almost non-drinker but had not accomplished my singularly most important goal of total sobriety.
Lately, as part of my pursuit of self-acceptance, I recognize what I have accomplished in the past few years or so. The change is dramatic.
The Woman I Was
I lived a Hedonistic life in a little cottage on the banks of a fast flowing river in the free-spirited Province of Quebec. I was often perched on the back end of a Harley Davidson helmetless in some mountainous region of North America or at a biker rally smoking doobies by the bonfire.
The construction company was small and the work was simple and quick to complete daily.
I shared at least one bottle of wine each night with my French lover and eventual husband. We saw our family once a month or so for birthdays or Holidays. We worked hard but played harder. The only exercise I got was sex.
My friendships were fraught with communication problems because of my limited French vocabulary and their limited grasp of English. I was just starting to read Eckhart Tolle but had not awakened in the true sense of the word. I was lonely and filled with self-loathing.
The Woman I Am
I've moved to WASPish small town Ontario. We've built an expansive home in the village. I have access to a lovely river close by (Thank Gawd). Hubby just bought another Harley to replace the one he sold when we moved but the riding we plan to do around here is all about scenery, meandering roads and waterfront cafes rather than rock n' roll, parties and bonfires.
I have drastically reduced my drinking and my toking has become a treat rather than a habit. I walk and meditate daily due to a commitment I've kept with my neighbor for the past two years that we meet to walk and meditate every weekday.
Our company has expanded and office work takes up much of my day.
I am thrilled to say that I have become a Grandmother five times with two more expected this Spring. They all live within a short drive and I see them almost daily.
My elderly, seemingly emotionless mother has moved in and I have become her full time caregiver. She has broken her hip recently but is recovering nicely. She is an active alcoholic with me being her enabler/controller (a dangerous combination). I limit her to one beer a day with the odd exception.
Despite the stress that all these changes have brought on, I am happier, soberer, straighter and more in touch with myself than I ever was. I still have work to do.
I had my ancestry researched and, to my delight, have learned that I do, indeed carry Native American DNA. For a long time, I've been attending Native Circles and had felt strongly connected to the family folk lore claiming that our bloodline traced back to the 1600's when the French, Courier du Bois intermarried with the Native women along the St. Lawrence River.
Life is good. I have moved in the direction I was hoping to go. I have not accomplished all my goals but I am, for the most part, happy. Despite this real contentment, today is Day Two of a Sobriety Run for me. I will tell you why tomorrow. It's a long story and I've gone on long enough as it is.