Hand on the Bottle...

Hi Everyone, 

I'm starting day 12 and have had the usual temptations, triggers and second guesses.  I am still not drinking.  But I could be.  Even last night I reached (literally had my hand on the ice cold bottle) of white wine in the fridge and said to hubby "Wanna glass of wine?"  He said "No, I really overdid it on Wednesday (he did) so I feel like my body needs a break.  I let go and drank water.  But that is how f&*ked up my head is.  My mind has told me "only drink when no one is around" and "only in restaurants" and when planning a vacation in Cuba after Christmas "only for the week on vacation ... no photos allowed".  So my chances for success are next to nil.  Someone reading this would and should jump in and say "what tools do you have to combat this monkey mind of yours?"

The only tool I have is experience and I have a wealth of it.  I have started a run of sobriety many times and they always end by small exceptions that lead to daily or almost daily drinking or getting drunk.  I inevitably regret that first drink.  Wearing a charm on my brand new Pandora charm bracelet the kids got me for my birthday that is representative of the reasons I want to stay sober is a great idea I just thought of... see writing things down does help.  

My last two years have brought me so many positive changes and I credit many of them to two things: drinking minimally and finally getting a morning routine to stick.  

Today I am meeting some kids and grandkids at the local Santa Claus Parade and we have a lovely sunny day for it.  Temperature is at the freezing mark but dressing warm will take care of that issue.

After that I will put my flower beds to bed for the winter.  Tonight it's Chinese Food (green tea) with my favourite people.

Going on Pandora's website....

Spent a Sober Weekend Partying in Tarranna!!

My sister invited me to visit her for the weekend in Toronto.  She treated me to a 60th birthday dinner at a fancy Italian Restaurant and, being the supportive gal that she is, suggested we share a fancy bottle of Italian sparkling water which was delicious.

The next day she invited two of our childhood friends to join us and she prepared a lovely dinner for the four of us.  Everyone drank and I sipped an Italian soft drink called Brio.

A good time was had by all.

Why I Need Total Sobriety

As I indicated in yesterday's post, my life has dramatically improved coinciding with my drastic reduction in my alcohol consumption.  No more sleepless nights, heart palpitations, better skin and less guilt and remorse.

I felt that the 'monkey' was finally off my back.  My pattern was a glass of wine or a beer on tap about once a week randomly timed... often not on a Friday night but whenever I felt I really wanted one.  Sounds reasonable, doesn't it?

Last Saturday we had people from my French hubby's past for dinner.  They did not speak English and were now business associates as well.  A little stress was felt by me as these women are chic, have big jobs and know each other quite well.  My French is rusty to say the least.  Within the first hour of their visit, I drank two hefty martinis made with vodka and vermouth and a splash of olive juice.  I did not feel drunk at this point or any point in the evening (that should have been my first clue).  I proceeded to cook, serve and partake of a delicious roast beef dinner.  I had two glasses of red wine.  A good time was had by all.  No repercussions or so it seemed.

Fast forward to Hallowe'en Monday.  I am invited to my son's place where all the little ones were dressed in their costumes.  All five of my grandkids, my kids and their partners and a couple of my son's friend's young families were in the house along with my alcoholic ex... (TRIGGER!!)

The kids were excitingly getting their costumes on and running around as tykes do.  I was offered a glass of wine and contrary to what my heart and head were urging me to do, accepted.  My ex arrived with a 2 litre bottle of red which he cracked open and proceeded to empty.  Most of the others weren't drinking for various reasons.  My daughter and DIL are both pregnant, my eldest son and SIL don't drink much at all and my youngest son who likes his booze a little too much was painfully abstaining in support of his pregnant wife and because it was appropriate behaviour on Hallowe'en night.

The reason I am quitting (again) is not because I drank that evening.  It's because I actually HID my glass of wine behind a table lamp and only took sips when I thought no one was looking.  For the record, I had two small glasses.  I was so uncomfortable with my choice to drink in front of my family (some of whom were struggling with their own propensity to over-indulge) that, rather than honour my own values, I made the decision somewhere within myself to drink secretly.

My plan worked.  No one noticed I was drinking except the DIL who had offered the wine and was, herself secretly drinking in the kitchen.

What kind of an example was I to her and everyone else in that room; my grandkids included.  They may not have noticed it then but, eventually, if I continue with this line of behaviour, they will.

That, my friends, hammers home the truth that moderation does not work.

Day 2

What I've Accomplished

I turned 60 and had wanted to begin this new decade with so much accomplished.  I was disappointed in myself that many of my goals had not been met.  I was still carrying the extra ten pounds that I had vowed to drop.  I was still gorging on sweets and drinking too much coffee.  I was an almost non-drinker but had not accomplished my singularly most important goal of total sobriety.

Lately, as part of my pursuit of self-acceptance, I recognize what I have accomplished in the past few years or so.  The change is dramatic.

The Woman I Was

I lived a Hedonistic life in a little cottage on the banks of a fast flowing river in the free-spirited Province of Quebec.  I was often perched on the back end of a Harley Davidson helmetless in some mountainous region of North America or at a biker rally smoking doobies by the bonfire.

The construction company was small and the work was simple and quick to complete daily.

I shared at least one bottle of wine each night with my French lover and eventual husband.  We saw our family once a month or so for birthdays or Holidays.  We worked hard but played harder.  The only exercise I got was sex.

My friendships were fraught with communication problems because of my limited French vocabulary and their limited grasp of English. I was just starting to read Eckhart Tolle but had not awakened in the true sense of the word.  I was lonely and filled with self-loathing.

The Woman I Am

I've moved to WASPish small town Ontario.  We've built an expansive home in the village.  I have access to a lovely river close by (Thank Gawd).  Hubby just bought another Harley to replace the one he sold when we moved but the riding we plan to do around here is all about scenery, meandering roads and waterfront cafes rather than rock n' roll, parties and bonfires.

I have drastically reduced my drinking and my toking has become a treat rather than a habit. I walk and meditate daily due to a commitment I've kept with my neighbor for the past two years that we meet to walk and meditate every weekday.

Our company has expanded and office work takes up much of my day.

I am thrilled to say that I have become a Grandmother five times with two more expected this Spring. They all live within a short drive and I see them almost daily.

My elderly, seemingly emotionless mother has moved in and I have become her full time caregiver.  She has broken her hip recently but is recovering nicely.  She is an active alcoholic with me being her enabler/controller (a dangerous combination).  I limit her to one beer a day with the odd exception.

Despite the stress that all these changes have brought on, I am happier, soberer, straighter and more in touch with myself than I ever was.  I still have work to do.

I had my ancestry researched and, to my delight, have learned that I do, indeed carry Native American DNA.  For a long time, I've been attending Native Circles and had felt strongly connected to the family folk lore claiming that our bloodline traced back to the 1600's when the French, Courier du Bois intermarried with the Native women along the St. Lawrence River.

Life is good.  I have moved in the direction I was hoping to go.  I have not accomplished all my goals but I am, for the most part, happy.  Despite this real contentment, today is Day Two of a Sobriety Run for me.  I will tell you why tomorrow.  It's a long story and I've gone on long enough as it is.

Namaste

Licorice for Dinner!

Last night I ate a bag of black soft licorice for supper!  It went well with my martini herbal tea.

I feel like there is a large black sugary glob of jellied goo sitting in the pit of my stomach waiting to ooze out of me.  Yuk!!

This morning I made a piece of thick rye toast and topped it with a squished half avocado and a free range egg softly fried in a little butter.

I am increasingly attracted to sugar these days.  My stress levels are through the roof so candy is my glass of wine.  I am not happy with this turn of events but I guess it beats drinking booze.

I am hosting Thanksgiving and am feeding 12 tomorrow.  We had planned a soccer game outside as the little ones are all learning soccer skills.  The weather is not cooperating unfortunately.  So all five kiddies and their bickering parents will be inside. :-(

My turkey is in my oven and I will prepare the stuffing (dressing) and cranberry relish today also so as to minimize my workload tomorrow.

Life is humdrum and anti-climatic right now.  My Dad is in a bad way, my mother is miserable, my kids are fighting with each other and my daughter is separating with three babies and no money.

Stop the world .. I wanna get off.

I Want a Happy Ending

At this stage of my decade long attempt to quit boozing, anything I might say, means nothing to anyone; even me.  I've said it all before but it must be said to document this journey.  I quit, got the T-shirt and screwed up many times.  At only day seven and feeling good about abstaining tonight at the Indian restaurant, I can only say a quiet "good going" to myself and keep on trucking.  When I was contemplating the decision I asked myself how I would feel if I drank.  I, very easily, drew on my many past experiences of regret.  The shit doesn't even taste good. LOL.

I have to admit I thought of Belle and the 10 bucks I've committed for every ten days of sobriety up to day 100 and that did help in my resolve.  I feel good about doing it so I think it taps into and releases my serotonin.  Who'd of thought.

Anyways, I am finally feeling a little crappy and more like a recovering addict should feel.  I've always been a flippant, happy abstainer but as I approach sixty I am realizing I am a person who is dealing with deep-seated feelings of unworthiness.  Otherwise I would not self-sabotage all the time.

I am not denying my depression these days.  It has finally rose to the surface.  I believe that it's been buried deep inside me for years and with my new lifestyle of living life sober (ongoing for a year or so with a hiccup every couple of weeks) I've awakened the sleeping giant.  It helps that my live-in Mom broke her hip this summer;I was nursing for months afterward, my daughter, mother of two aged two and one is expecting her third and has broken up with the father of the children. She is almost penniless, depressed and desperate.  Our business which we run from home has never been busier and, as we work primarily for the Canadian Government, the red tape we have to go through is mind boggling.  And to top it off, my father had a heart attack yesterday.  His bowel ruptured and as they were prepping him for emergency surgery, his heart stopped.  He's alive at this time.  

I don't know but for some reason I am feeling anxious lately.  Being sober really helps.  I, honestly feel that if I was drinking the way I drank previously, I would have gone off the deep end by now.

So, day 7 is done.  I want to stay sober with no hiccups.  I want to be permanent.  I have reaped all the rewards of sobriety for the past few years: my heart palpitations have stopped completely, no more 3:00 a.m. wake-up calls, whites of the eyes are white, I have gotten up at 5:45 a.m. to walk religiously each morning for months, I am responsible, able to drive, etc.

But the one problem with the 'almost sober' lifestyle is that it never ends.  It's still counting days.  It's still always day one.  It's still a daily decision.  Being totally sober slowly moves one away from the anxiety of wanting, of counting, of compromising.  Being totally sober frees one from the grips of alcohol.

I could write a book about sober stops and starts (and I probably will) but I want my book to have a happy ending.  It's my story.  My choice.

Choose Joy!

Our lives are made up of our many stories all intertwined, twisted and frayed.  Some are clean; some soiled.  Some are sweet and some are bitter.  Rather than letting all the frayed ends of the tales that define us lay splayed and splintered, let's try to carefully weave these stories into one solid, braided rope of hope and strength.

We can pick up the tattered pieces of our neglected, abused, tormented selves and meld them together with the joyful experiences, peaceful moments and warm memories to create a solid, rough hewn rope of hope and promise for tomorrow's successes.

We cannot deny our past sadness and despair but we can embrace it as part of the fabric of our being and knowingly move forward continuing to weave a solid, secure life for ourselves composed of forgiveness and compassion for ourselves and those who have hurt us.

One day as we look back upon this journey called life, it would be heartwarming and gratifying to see a life well lived despite the harshness that defined some days.

We owe it to ourselves to carry on striving to remain in the present moment and to allow the grief of our past mistakes and struggles to gently move through us without definition or analysis.  They just are.

Let's not concentrate too much on what the future holds.  Each decision we make in the moment defines our future happiness so choose joy and acceptance of what is.

Let's make beautiful memories not based on what happens but on our reaction to what happens.

Let's choose joy.

 

Hey Sober Penpal

I attempted to reply to my sober penpal and my hotmail wouldn't work so I'll post my reply here:

I set my sober counter on my phone which is always fun.  I think the commitment to Belle really helps.  I think by donating $10 every ten days sober I may start enjoying the feeling of being generous to a good cause and do it for the team. I sure as hell can't seem to do it for myself.  

Chris (you know who you are) you and I are either drinking or sober and not usually at the same time.  For once, let's stick together on this.  I am trailing by over 20 days behind you... don't let me catch up!!

I feel positive because it is just doing nothing for me at this time.

Deb xo

Instead of Rewards ...

I've decided to donate ten dollars every ten days of sobriety to Belle's efforts on Tired of Thinking About Drinking.  This is the opposite of what I usually do which is reward myself for staying abstinent.

Maybe I am just not putting enough importance on myself and undeserving of rewards.  I am the Queen of Self-Sabotage.

As usual I am drinking very occasionally and hardly anything ... just enough to nullify any pride or satisfaction I would get from total sobriety.

One's mind does play tricks on one.

Mine is constantly attempting to ensure failure in all my goals.

I have so much on my plate right now.  I won't go into it but I feel like yelling "Stop the world; I want to get off."

A few days in and feeling cautiously hopeful.

Longest Freshwater Beach in the World

Hubby and I are in the midst of a well deserved ten day vacation and it's been lovely.  We went to Gananoque and took the boat tour of the 1000 Islands to Boldt Castle and loved it.  We then took our time and drove up north to the shores of Georgian Bay to a pretty amazing town called Wasaga Beach.  Georgian Bay has the longest fresh water beach in all the world.. and it's sandy and clean.  We are staying right on the beachfront strip and have been enjoying the pool, the very shallow water of Wasaga Beach, the food and the sunsets.  I have been a good sober girl.

I've treated myself to beachwear and delicious food.  We are really enjoying ourselves and,with my sister  staying with my Mom who lives with me, we have no cares in the world.

We both have been working so hard lately with the family business and my Mom's broken hip recovery at home.  Relaxation has been so wonderful.

Just checking in from the motel bed ...

Coping With Stresses

I could be sitting in a bubble bath full of red wine with a large straw right now and I would be where I want to be.  I am so thankful that I have a long fuse and an apathetic outlook on life's goings on because if I really cared about all the drama that goes on around here I would be drinking and drinking lots.

I won't go into detail about the stress except to say that family members have major anxiety and depression and they are living in close proximity to me at this time.  My house is filled to capacity with family members who I am happy to accommodate.  They are mostly fun to have around.

My workload is huge because of my live-in Mom's broken hip recovery, the houseful causing lots more dishes and tidying, business is booming and I run the office so there is very little time for me.

I am leaving on vacation tomorrow; just me and hubby.  We are so excited to be heading out for ten days all alone after the first year of hosting Mom. My sister will manage the house and the office will be run remotely.

I believe that because of my daily meditation, 6:00 a.m. riverside walks and my staying close to the cyber sober world, I am able to string a few weeks of sober time together... often ... and currently.

Today, this moment what matters is now.  That's all.  Thanks to my recovery process I am well educated on consciousness and and deliberate living.  Very grateful for all I've learned. I am able to provide refuge to family in need without losing my mind or my sobriety.  Today.

Why One Drinks (I did not but I sure know why I did)

The reality of life sure turns one's interest to escape at times.  Especially at the end of a day with lots of commitments.  I think one of the triggers for drinking is too much to do with no time to unwind.  I am setting myself up to fail if I continue to burn the candle at both ends.

I love the time I spend with my Grandkids and it's never enough but when it rains, it sometimes, pours.  Today I had two little munchkins all day, tomorrow I mind those two (6 & 3) and two others (2 and 1) because of a death in the family of my daughter's partner.  I also take care of my mother (who broke her hip, 2 ribs and disclocated her arm recently) full time as she lives with me .... and I run a construction business office (the only administrative employee).  The business is unusually busy thanks to Justin Trudeau, our new prime minister.  On top of that my 13 year old niece is living with me indefinitely and her mother is moving in on Friday.

I am one busy chick.  Hubby has been working out of town and is arriving to a crazy zoo tomorrow.  I feel like I have to keep those 4 little ones quiet when he arrives but at the same time make dinner and try to have a romantic welcome home type evening.

Yikes.  I found half a bottle of  red wine tonight and looked at it longingly.  I did not drink. Instead I wrote some notes on how I will set things up tomorrow to make the day as seamless as possible.

The good news is that my life is not constantly quite this crazy busy.  At the end of this week, I will not accept any more intense commitments until I have a chance to rest.

Once Mom passes (not wishful thinking but a reality given her age and health) and my sister and her daughter launch... once my children's children are in school (5 to 6 years) and once I've retired from the family business (5 years) I will not be this busy and I know that these days will be full of happy memories.  I enjoy each time I see the little ones, I love beating my mom at cards, having a young teenager in the house is a lot of fun.  Life will sometimes seem empty in the future.  I have to embrace these times.

The only thing consistent in life is inconsistency.

Happily Ever After

I thought I had lost access to this blog.  I lost my password and the password recovery wanted to send the new password to an email account that I was unaware of.. long story short, I am on another computer and able to blog.

Random thoughts about what it's like to be a moderate drinker who needs to quit; not because of the havoc alcohol causes in my life but because of the havoc it causes in my mind.

As some of you know I am on another sober roll.  I almost wish I was a huge drinker because then my family and friends would be more understanding.  As it stands, when I abstain, I imagine that I am disappointing everyone.  I've done it before without worrying about it.  The reality is that no one cares whether I drink.  That's the reality.  I know hubby loves to share a bottle of wine when we go out for dinner but in general WHO THE HELL MATTERS MORE THAN ME??????

My situation is probably not as unique as I like to think it is.  I am sure there are a lot of people out there who, in society's mind, don't overdo it but, in their own mind, can't live with their moderate drinking.

There was a time when I did indeed have a problem controlling my intake.  For the ten years I lived in the province of Quebec, I drank a half bottle or more of wine every night for ten years.  That's what started this roller coaster ride of abstinence and moderation.

I am not saying for one minute that I've truly achieved release from the problem I became aware of a few years ago.  I have changed the actuality of how much I drink but the price I pay for moderation is the constant wanting and desire, the self control I am always striving for, the self-flagellation I go through when I have but one glass of wine, etc.

When all is said and done and I've finally won the battle of the booze I will have a sad story to tell.  The story will be about how I allowed myself to suffer far too long with self-reproach regarding the intake of a substance that is totally UNNECESSARY.

If I could live with my moderate intake, the story would end there.  But this story is not going to end "Happily Ever After" unless I finally give it up for good.  I've known that forever but have been stubbornly refusing to release myself of alcohol's hold on me.

It's like a prisoner who is in minimum security denying he is a prisoner.  Even though I can take it or leave it most of the time, I am still locked in the shackles of addiction even while I pretend to myself that I have it beaten.

This story has gone on long enough.

Downing Wine Samples

Good morning!! Where has the summer gone?  In early July my elderly mother who lives with me fell and broke her hip and there went all our plans for vacation.  Coincidentally, our business was crazy busy and it would have been difficult to take time off to go to the lake but we sure had a hot one. Thank Gawd for AC.

Mom is recovering remarkably well in that she is walking slowly and carefully but has come a long way in the past month plus.  She is actually able to do most things by herself.

I have to admit that when she got home from the hospital and was completely helpless and needed 24 hour care, I got pretty discouraged and popped open a few bottles of wine to drown my sorrows.  My drinking has never returned to it's previous quantity but my goal has never been to moderate; it's been to QUIT.  I've had lots of sober days and nights but still have never accomplished an ongoing streak of sobriety that lasted longer than a few months.

You guys must be getting pretty sick of me.  I would rather stick my head in the sand and vanish from the face of this blog but the sober cyber world is encouraging in that open arms usually await me.  I deserve a little kick in the butt but then forgiveness as always.

So now instead of hardly drinking I am switching gears to never drinking.  The reality is that if I let myself go and just do as I please, it creeps up very slowly and stealthily.  I went grocery shopping yesterday and 1. I was very tempted to buy a bottle of wine conveniently sold instore which I haven't done in years and 2. They had about a dozen wine samples displayed in thimble sized plastic glasses and I envisioned downing all of them in quick succession.  Both thoughts are disturbing.

My son pulled another horror show with his overdoing of the booze and that's a real reminder of one of the original reasons I decided to quit... to set a good example for my kids and grandkids.

I hope all of you are doing fantastic.  I am.

Sober Days, Restful Nights

I always sleep well; when I abstain I sleep even better.  I signed up for Belle of Tired of Thinking About Drinking's 100 Day Booze Free Challenge.  Even though I hardly drink, I am again committing to Belle because I feel the beast slowly creeping back into my life.

The way I eye a wine bottle, the excitement I feel at going to a bar that serves Draft Beer, the brain is slowly going back to the 'stinkin' 'thinkin'...

I know, I know ... I should know better.  But in sticking with my new mode of living which is to accept myself and not self-bash, I am moving forward on this issue with hope and a little more experience and hopefully, wisdom.

I have learned many drinking lessons.  I keep learning the same lessons over and over.  I have not crashed.  I have not hit rock bottom.  Actually, I have been successfully moderating but, even this is not good enough.

It's not good enough because it blocks the authentic me.  Even while successfully moderating, I was still somewhat of a slave to it's pull.  The decision to drink was still on the table, still at the forefront of my mind.

I can happily claim to have drank a maximum of ten drinks in the past three months.  That in itself should be an indication that abstinence is doable.  

Here we go!

Romantic Weekend Booked

Hey all, or Hey me!! I have tentatively booked a room in downtown Toronto on my hubby's birthday weekend to enjoy a romantic weekend together.  So I can check that off my list.

I've been very good with my flossing and my exercise so I am proud.

Sure Glad I Kept This Blog Going ...

Back on the wagon again after toying with moderation.  It worked well at first.

I barely drank and was so proud of the fact that everyone around me was sipping wine and I was not.  I had convinced myself that draft beer would be the exception to the abstinence rule and for a time, it was.

Nothing dramatic happened but, because, I kept my finger on the pulse of my sobriety, I noticed I was reaching for booze a little more often that I had hoped.  Eventually and inevitably I found myself stringing a few days of alcohol consumption together.  I think I drank a little each day for four days in a row.

Yikes!!  I knew that this was the beginning of the end.  On Friday I decided that I had to hop back on the abstinence train.  It was a no-brainer.

I spent the weekend sober and happy and have no regrets about my testing of the waters of my sobriety.  I am in a much better place now than I ever was.  I don't hate myself when I drink.  I am very aware of the consequences of someone with my 'addictive tendencies' to allow myself full freedom to do as I please.

This blog might end up being a lifetime accountability tool.  I refuse to feel bad when I stray from the logic of abstinence.  It's my bumpy journey and I am not harming anyone.

Abstinent again and my short term goal is to be 100 days sober (give or take a day) on my 60th birthday.

Namaste!

Still Doing Good

Hi, just checking in.  I know it's been a while.  I've been doing very well in abstaining from drinking and have only had a few sips here and there which have only highlighted my desire to stay clear of alcohol.  I would categorize myself as a non-drinker for all intents and purposes.

I've been busy and my scattered mind has taken me so many places that I feel like I am going around in circles in my interests and goals.

I have been working on incorporating new healthy habits into my life and am hoping to hit the big 6-0 this October in the best physical, emotional and spiritual shape I can possibly achieve.

This is taking up quite a bit of my time.

I'll try to post more often and promise to keep coming back on a regular basis to keep the Wine Witch at bay.

One thing I am not is consistent.  I am working on it.

Namaste!

Snow .. And An Inside Tip

WE HAD SNOW!!! It's supposed to be spring around these parts.  Yes, even in Quebec Canada where my lake house is it's that time of the year when life is supposed to be RENEWED.  I woke up yesterday at the lake house which we are preparing to sell and the snow that had fallen all the day before had settled overnight to form a pretty blanket of white s%&t on the hills and surrounding forest.  What a let down!

But hey, I'm sober so all is well.  Getting close to two months now and I've hit a milestone socially.  Our good friends and drinking buddies set up their trailer on the lake house property and had beer in hand each morning by 11:00 a.m. and continuously drank until the wee hours of the morning; hubby joining in at dinner time.  I managed through drinking lots of warm tea (which felt great in my cold little hands) and the occasional N/A beer.  I found myself doing all the clean up after meals as everyone else sat around to continue drinking and chatting; this issue WILL be rectified soon.

I still think the summer is going to be full of drinking bullshit and slobbery conversations so I am hopeful the lake house sells quickly.  It is absolutely beautiful, under priced and nestled in the forests and lakes of the Laurentian Mountains so what's not to love.  We need to unload it for financial reasons.

Check out this link http://premiumnearbeer.com/

If you are Canadian or live close to the border, try the selection of A/F wines they offer.  I love the white MADD Virgin Blanc white wine and the Red Carl Jung Merlot.  They both taste like the real deal and are only 9.99 Canadian delivered.  Minimum order of six required.

My sugar cravings are pretty intense right now and I am trying to to eat too much junk but it's hard.

I've read the Happiness Project by Gretchen Rubin over the weekend and loved it.  I am gearing up for my sixtieth birthday in October and wish to be at my best both physcally and emotionally by this fall to reverently prepare myself for the beginning of my Wise Woman Years.  I look forward to growing old now that I have things a little more in perspective.

Self-loathing is at an all-time low level right now as I am learning to accept my idiosyncrasies and character 'flaws' with more indulgence and love.

Well it's mid-May and I am putting hat, coat and gloves on to go get the mail.  C'est la vie!

Mother's Day Sobriety

Happy Mother's Day to All you Sober Moms!!  To All you Drinking Mom's who dream of Sobriety, Happy Mother's Day as well.

Motherhood can be unrewarding at times but the payback for all the hard work bringing up kids to adulthood is becoming a Grandmother.

Today my baby grandchild, Josie, get's christened.  She is the daughter of my adopted, Korean daughter and is of mixed blood rendering her absolutely gorgeous.  Her personality as the second of two under two is so sweet and patient.  She waits her turn at the age of nine months.  All five of my five under five will be there at the christening and they'll be vying for a place on Granny's knee.  I love being a Granny and when I see them I stop everything I'm doing and we have adventures.  They grow up so quickly and I don't want to miss a moment.

My own mother has been thriving in the months she has been living with us.  She is more chatty, involved and confident than when she arrived fresh from institutional care.  I still have to monitor her drinking.  Last night after her beer with dinner she asked if she could pour herself a liqueur.  She poured herself not a single; not a double, but a triple.  I hate being the bad guy but I have to be strict with her often.  This is the only negative aspect of her living with us. She thinks my abstinence is absolutely ludicrous.  I can't really say that I don't want to be a desperate woman whose sole raison d'etre is her next drink when I am her age.  So I just say nothing.

We have minded my Uncle's goofy pug puppy for the weekend.  He chews, pees, shits and eats.  Sweet pup and adorable but what a handful.  He's a good reminder that when we decide to get a dog, a one year old would be more beneficial both to us and to the dog.  The older ones are harder to place.
Well off to get dressed in a nice dress as us mothers will be brought to the front of the church this morning to light candles at the Christening.

Sobriety is easier lately.  I struggled this past week.  I will struggle again.