Monday 3 October 2016

I Want a Happy Ending

At this stage of my decade long attempt to quit boozing, anything I might say, means nothing to anyone; even me.  I've said it all before but it must be said to document this journey.  I quit, got the T-shirt and screwed up many times.  At only day seven and feeling good about abstaining tonight at the Indian restaurant, I can only say a quiet "good going" to myself and keep on trucking.  When I was contemplating the decision I asked myself how I would feel if I drank.  I, very easily, drew on my many past experiences of regret.  The shit doesn't even taste good. LOL.

I have to admit I thought of Belle and the 10 bucks I've committed for every ten days of sobriety up to day 100 and that did help in my resolve.  I feel good about doing it so I think it taps into and releases my serotonin.  Who'd of thought.

Anyways, I am finally feeling a little crappy and more like a recovering addict should feel.  I've always been a flippant, happy abstainer but as I approach sixty I am realizing I am a person who is dealing with deep-seated feelings of unworthiness.  Otherwise I would not self-sabotage all the time.

I am not denying my depression these days.  It has finally rose to the surface.  I believe that it's been buried deep inside me for years and with my new lifestyle of living life sober (ongoing for a year or so with a hiccup every couple of weeks) I've awakened the sleeping giant.  It helps that my live-in Mom broke her hip this summer;I was nursing for months afterward, my daughter, mother of two aged two and one is expecting her third and has broken up with the father of the children. She is almost penniless, depressed and desperate.  Our business which we run from home has never been busier and, as we work primarily for the Canadian Government, the red tape we have to go through is mind boggling.  And to top it off, my father had a heart attack yesterday.  His bowel ruptured and as they were prepping him for emergency surgery, his heart stopped.  He's alive at this time.  

I don't know but for some reason I am feeling anxious lately.  Being sober really helps.  I, honestly feel that if I was drinking the way I drank previously, I would have gone off the deep end by now.

So, day 7 is done.  I want to stay sober with no hiccups.  I want to be permanent.  I have reaped all the rewards of sobriety for the past few years: my heart palpitations have stopped completely, no more 3:00 a.m. wake-up calls, whites of the eyes are white, I have gotten up at 5:45 a.m. to walk religiously each morning for months, I am responsible, able to drive, etc.

But the one problem with the 'almost sober' lifestyle is that it never ends.  It's still counting days.  It's still always day one.  It's still a daily decision.  Being totally sober slowly moves one away from the anxiety of wanting, of counting, of compromising.  Being totally sober frees one from the grips of alcohol.

I could write a book about sober stops and starts (and I probably will) but I want my book to have a happy ending.  It's my story.  My choice.


  1. Deb- you have so much to deal with right now.Thinking of you. xxxxx

  2. Thanks, Shiny New Life for the support. xoxo

  3. thinking of WILL get to the point where you don't have to constantly think about not kind to yourself as you are dealing with a lot!

  4. I'm sorry about your dad.
    You can have that happy ending. You deserve the freedom.