Tripping, Falling but Happy

I've been honoured lately to be invited to some women's circles.  I have gone and sat and listened and talked very little.  I have so much to learn.  I sometimes don't feel worthy of these circles of wisdom but when I do speak I often feel that the women are resonating with what I say.  These gatherings are instrumental in reinforcing my desire to remain conscious, aware and sober.

Today we smoked a native pipe and set intentions as we smudged ourselves with the tobacco smoke.  I felt very emotional as I asked for healing so that I may heal others.  I seem to take two steps forward and three steps back.  My elderly mother's addiction to alcohol and her excuses and tricks to maintain her desired quota are serving as a mirror to my own behaviour.  She is living with me and currently thinks she is fooling me by asking for a beer, then a rum and coke even though she agreed to have only one beer a day when she moved in.  It was the only stipulation to her living with us.  I now have to find the courage to address this issue.  I hate confrontation.  She is one tough cookie and when refused her drink, she gets quite nasty.

I have made so many excuses for myself and moved my line in the sand about quantity more often than I like to admit.  Drinking is something that will I will never be comfortable with and will always be obsessed with.  I see myself in my mother and it is sad.  She can provide me with the opportunity to change the direction of my life if I let her.  She is a shadow of a woman; a dead-eyed old hag who occasionally comes to life usually with her first beer in hand.  I will be her if I don't continue this journey to sobriety.  If I backtrack and give myself permission to drink, I will never reach the place I strive for.

It was pointed out to me today by my meditation partner who lives across the street that I am teaching my grandchildren to enjoy dancing, walking in the woods, picking wild berries, bird watching, visiting the riverbank, baking and playing musical instruments,  I am so blessed to have five under five and they all live within a half hours drive of me. My positive influence on them thrills me as well as them.  For Christmas I got them each a second hand pair of skates and a real miniature guitar.  I am so excited to give them these gifts.

In general, I am happy but always close to faltering if not actually failing.  The difference now is that I don't hate myself quite as much as I used to and forgive myself when I fail.  Surprisingly this helps rather than hurts the achievement of my goals.

Another 100 day sober commitment set in motion today.

Feel the Pain and Accept Our Imperfections

Why do we hate ourselves and what can we do about it?

Our society has created a terrible dis-ease within itself in that many of us have gotten into the habit of self-criticism and suffer from intermittent feelings of not being enough or worthy of happiness.

This sickness sabotages our well being, our success and our awakening to what truly IS.

We are always trying to be someone other than the perfect human beings we are right now.  We fight our weight, our addictions, our unhealthy habits and all that we are.  We constantly are telling ourselves that things will be perfect when we change this or that about ourselves or our situation.

The sad fact of the matter is that even when we do succeed in changing an aspect of our lives, instead of celebrating the achievement, we immediately find another hurdle to jump in order to find fulfillment.  Fulfillment never comes. Ever.

What if we decided today to sit still and feel our unworthiness; feel the pain of not being perfect or enough.  What if we let these painful feelings drift through our consciousness, linger and go.  We could decide to suffer those ego centred pains and allow them to pass through us accepting that the imperfections we grieve are part of our individuality along with our attributes, good practices and positive personality traits.

I believe we would be more successful in improving ourselves if we felt worthy of improvement, worthy of love and enough.

Maybe we would go for a walk because we deserve the vitality exercise brings.  Possibly we would forgo that glass of wine or store bought cookie because we deserve to feel healthy.  We may even develop a nurturing morning ritual just because we want to make each day matter.

Just an idea worth considering.

I Am Enough

I had bowed out of the blogging world for a week or more because I was making myself sick with repetition.  I decided to get out until something fresh came to mind.

Lately, I've been finding myself crossing over from my persona of self-loathing, wishy-washy, insecure little people pleaser to self-accepting, decisive, serene ME.  It's not a huge leap, but, rather a zig-zagging path that is zagging more than it used to.  Ziggy me was very rigid in my expectations for myself.  Zaggy me lets up a bit.  Ziggy me failed constantly; Zaggy me has less rules which, in turn, result in less failure.

I am allowing myself to let go of the ego's constant reminders that I am not enough.  I am pampering myself with bubbles and incense, makeup and perfume and time spent outdoors bird watching.  I am moving my body but not counting each step or rebounder bounce religiously.  I am holding back from activities (;-) that contribute to the deadening of my mind.  I am drawn towards my keyboard piano, my knitting and my cookbooks.  I am immersing myself in the creation of wholesome, delicious food.  I am dragging my elderly mother to Christmas Craft Fairs, small village shopping districts and second-hand book shops.  I am seeing my grandchildren but saying 'no' when I am tired or busy.

My mind still swoops down into that dark place once in a while and I acknowledge the voice that loves to attack me.  I quiet her down with a simple "You are enough" chant.

I was about to type that life is not perfect but it really is.  I know something terrible could and probably will happen in my future as it does in all large families but today, just now, in this moment: life is perfect.

My morning meditation habit that is now almost a year old is partly to credit for this change.  My ongoing sober journey is huge in acting as a launching pad to explore my spirituality and to question everything I previously thought was real.

I really hope that I can live the next third of my life growing in self-love and serenity.  If I do this, there is no limit to the work I can do towards the benefit of those I meet.  We all touch everyone who crosses our path.  If I can regularly create energy that heals outward rather than curls around my sad self, then, perhaps, I can hold a light and lead the way for other seekers of authentic selves to follow.

I have a lot of soul work to do.  I am enough.