I Am Enough

I had bowed out of the blogging world for a week or more because I was making myself sick with repetition.  I decided to get out until something fresh came to mind.

Lately, I've been finding myself crossing over from my persona of self-loathing, wishy-washy, insecure little people pleaser to self-accepting, decisive, serene ME.  It's not a huge leap, but, rather a zig-zagging path that is zagging more than it used to.  Ziggy me was very rigid in my expectations for myself.  Zaggy me lets up a bit.  Ziggy me failed constantly; Zaggy me has less rules which, in turn, result in less failure.

I am allowing myself to let go of the ego's constant reminders that I am not enough.  I am pampering myself with bubbles and incense, makeup and perfume and time spent outdoors bird watching.  I am moving my body but not counting each step or rebounder bounce religiously.  I am holding back from activities (;-) that contribute to the deadening of my mind.  I am drawn towards my keyboard piano, my knitting and my cookbooks.  I am immersing myself in the creation of wholesome, delicious food.  I am dragging my elderly mother to Christmas Craft Fairs, small village shopping districts and second-hand book shops.  I am seeing my grandchildren but saying 'no' when I am tired or busy.

My mind still swoops down into that dark place once in a while and I acknowledge the voice that loves to attack me.  I quiet her down with a simple "You are enough" chant.

I was about to type that life is not perfect but it really is.  I know something terrible could and probably will happen in my future as it does in all large families but today, just now, in this moment: life is perfect.

My morning meditation habit that is now almost a year old is partly to credit for this change.  My ongoing sober journey is huge in acting as a launching pad to explore my spirituality and to question everything I previously thought was real.

I really hope that I can live the next third of my life growing in self-love and serenity.  If I do this, there is no limit to the work I can do towards the benefit of those I meet.  We all touch everyone who crosses our path.  If I can regularly create energy that heals outward rather than curls around my sad self, then, perhaps, I can hold a light and lead the way for other seekers of authentic selves to follow.

I have a lot of soul work to do.  I am enough.