Sunday, 29 November 2015

Tripping, Falling but Happy

I've been honoured lately to be invited to some women's circles.  I have gone and sat and listened and talked very little.  I have so much to learn.  I sometimes don't feel worthy of these circles of wisdom but when I do speak I often feel that the women are resonating with what I say.  These gatherings are instrumental in reinforcing my desire to remain conscious, aware and sober.

Today we smoked a native pipe and set intentions as we smudged ourselves with the tobacco smoke.  I felt very emotional as I asked for healing so that I may heal others.  I seem to take two steps forward and three steps back.  My elderly mother's addiction to alcohol and her excuses and tricks to maintain her desired quota are serving as a mirror to my own behaviour.  She is living with me and currently thinks she is fooling me by asking for a beer, then a rum and coke even though she agreed to have only one beer a day when she moved in.  It was the only stipulation to her living with us.  I now have to find the courage to address this issue.  I hate confrontation.  She is one tough cookie and when refused her drink, she gets quite nasty.

I have made so many excuses for myself and moved my line in the sand about quantity more often than I like to admit.  Drinking is something that will I will never be comfortable with and will always be obsessed with.  I see myself in my mother and it is sad.  She can provide me with the opportunity to change the direction of my life if I let her.  She is a shadow of a woman; a dead-eyed old hag who occasionally comes to life usually with her first beer in hand.  I will be her if I don't continue this journey to sobriety.  If I backtrack and give myself permission to drink, I will never reach the place I strive for.

It was pointed out to me today by my meditation partner who lives across the street that I am teaching my grandchildren to enjoy dancing, walking in the woods, picking wild berries, bird watching, visiting the riverbank, baking and playing musical instruments,  I am so blessed to have five under five and they all live within a half hours drive of me. My positive influence on them thrills me as well as them.  For Christmas I got them each a second hand pair of skates and a real miniature guitar.  I am so excited to give them these gifts.

In general, I am happy but always close to faltering if not actually failing.  The difference now is that I don't hate myself quite as much as I used to and forgive myself when I fail.  Surprisingly this helps rather than hurts the achievement of my goals.

Another 100 day sober commitment set in motion today.

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