I've been honoured lately to be invited to some women's circles. I have gone and sat and listened and talked very little. I have so much to learn. I sometimes don't feel worthy of these circles of wisdom but when I do speak I often feel that the women are resonating with what I say. These gatherings are instrumental in reinforcing my desire to remain conscious, aware and sober.
Today we smoked a native pipe and set intentions as we smudged ourselves with the tobacco smoke. I felt very emotional as I asked for healing so that I may heal others. I seem to take two steps forward and three steps back. My elderly mother's addiction to alcohol and her excuses and tricks to maintain her desired quota are serving as a mirror to my own behaviour. She is living with me and currently thinks she is fooling me by asking for a beer, then a rum and coke even though she agreed to have only one beer a day when she moved in. It was the only stipulation to her living with us. I now have to find the courage to address this issue. I hate confrontation. She is one tough cookie and when refused her drink, she gets quite nasty.
I have made so many excuses for myself and moved my line in the sand about quantity more often than I like to admit. Drinking is something that will I will never be comfortable with and will always be obsessed with. I see myself in my mother and it is sad. She can provide me with the opportunity to change the direction of my life if I let her. She is a shadow of a woman; a dead-eyed old hag who occasionally comes to life usually with her first beer in hand. I will be her if I don't continue this journey to sobriety. If I backtrack and give myself permission to drink, I will never reach the place I strive for.
It was pointed out to me today by my meditation partner who lives across the street that I am teaching my grandchildren to enjoy dancing, walking in the woods, picking wild berries, bird watching, visiting the riverbank, baking and playing musical instruments, I am so blessed to have five under five and they all live within a half hours drive of me. My positive influence on them thrills me as well as them. For Christmas I got them each a second hand pair of skates and a real miniature guitar. I am so excited to give them these gifts.
In general, I am happy but always close to faltering if not actually failing. The difference now is that I don't hate myself quite as much as I used to and forgive myself when I fail. Surprisingly this helps rather than hurts the achievement of my goals.
Another 100 day sober commitment set in motion today.