My Puny Little Troubles

When I feel overwhelmed and that I will never get caught up with my commitments, both personal and work related, it is a feeling of despair and powerlessness.  I feel cornered and almost doomed.  I know it's stupid to feel this way.  When I really and truly look at my workload and what I've promised to do it is very manageable.  If I do one thing at a time and put one foot in front of the other all will get done with the unneeded activities falling to the wayside.  I think the real problem is that I crave a time in my life when there is NOTHING to do.

I watch my elderly mom who lives with me spend her days reading, watching 'her' Toronto Blue Jays and the Antiques Road Show, playing solitaire and cards with me when I have time.  She puffs on her e-cigarette, sucks her Werther's Originals and sips her beer in the evening. Don't get me wrong.  I am not envying her drinking.  I am envying her time to do exactly as she pleases.

In reality there are two facts; both of which are largely ignored by me when I am frustrated.  1.  Better organization would buy me lots more time to pursue my own interests.  2.  When I do have time to myself, I tend to waste it by surfing facebook, pinterest or other social media sites and especially by playing endless computer Scrabble games.    

Despite the fact that I have lots of appointments with my mom, deadlines for construction project bids, payroll, grandchildren to help take care of, a house to manage and meals to prepare, if I was living in a more conscious way, I could be very happy all of the time; rather than somewhat happy most of the time.  By really applying myself to my office work first thing in the morning instead of dilly-dallying, reading the paper, having three coffees and lazing about, I could free up a lot more 'me' time.  Just being proactive in my day to day commitments would help also.  I walk by the same piece of clothing or displaced item twenty times before picking it up and putting it away.  I create the disorganization that leads to limited 'me' time.

By planning my meals I will eat healthier.
By jumping on the rebounder, if only for 5 minutes at a time, I will get my exercise in.
By getting the nasty jobs done, I will make way for the fun stuff.
By limiting my mindless computer activity, I can work on my book, my blog, my recovery.

When I am older I will look upon these busy days with fond memories.  My life is good.  I can manage it all.  I have the privilege of working from home on a part time basis.  I have a loving husband who is also my 'boss' and not a micro manager.  I have the choice to say no to any extra work requested of me.

The source of my frustration is my own self sabotage.  Feeling my feelings makes me sad.  When I'm sad, I am not productive.  I have started reminding myself when I have little 'poor me' moments that I am experiencing the pain that is part of the journey of true recovery.  All my previous recovery attempts were superficial in that I never got to the point where I let the real work begin.  The real work of recovery is the creation of a fulfilling life from the ashes of the fires of active drinking.

When I think of my fellow Canadians in Fort Mac, their recovery from the bush fire that is now the size of the city of Chicago puts my puny troubles in proper perspective.

Knowledge is power.  I know I can be happy.  Attitude is everything.