Happily Ever After

I thought I had lost access to this blog.  I lost my password and the password recovery wanted to send the new password to an email account that I was unaware of.. long story short, I am on another computer and able to blog.

Random thoughts about what it's like to be a moderate drinker who needs to quit; not because of the havoc alcohol causes in my life but because of the havoc it causes in my mind.

As some of you know I am on another sober roll.  I almost wish I was a huge drinker because then my family and friends would be more understanding.  As it stands, when I abstain, I imagine that I am disappointing everyone.  I've done it before without worrying about it.  The reality is that no one cares whether I drink.  That's the reality.  I know hubby loves to share a bottle of wine when we go out for dinner but in general WHO THE HELL MATTERS MORE THAN ME??????

My situation is probably not as unique as I like to think it is.  I am sure there are a lot of people out there who, in society's mind, don't overdo it but, in their own mind, can't live with their moderate drinking.

There was a time when I did indeed have a problem controlling my intake.  For the ten years I lived in the province of Quebec, I drank a half bottle or more of wine every night for ten years.  That's what started this roller coaster ride of abstinence and moderation.

I am not saying for one minute that I've truly achieved release from the problem I became aware of a few years ago.  I have changed the actuality of how much I drink but the price I pay for moderation is the constant wanting and desire, the self control I am always striving for, the self-flagellation I go through when I have but one glass of wine, etc.

When all is said and done and I've finally won the battle of the booze I will have a sad story to tell.  The story will be about how I allowed myself to suffer far too long with self-reproach regarding the intake of a substance that is totally UNNECESSARY.

If I could live with my moderate intake, the story would end there.  But this story is not going to end "Happily Ever After" unless I finally give it up for good.  I've known that forever but have been stubbornly refusing to release myself of alcohol's hold on me.

It's like a prisoner who is in minimum security denying he is a prisoner.  Even though I can take it or leave it most of the time, I am still locked in the shackles of addiction even while I pretend to myself that I have it beaten.

This story has gone on long enough.