2015 in Review

An honest review of 2015 would reflect some great advances in my authentic life and some items that have not totally been addressed and resolved.

In 2015 I began and continued my morning meetings with my neighbor for an hour of conversation, a reading from a 'book of awakening' and a ten minute meditation.  We were meeting every day for the first six months and I cut that down to the work days with weekends to lie in and that worked beautifully for me.  The morning starts at 5:30 a.m. and this, in itself, allows for an extra two hours of productivity which has made a big impact on my day to day living.

I have become much more organized and this makes me very happy.  I still procrastinate but not to the extent I have in the past.  My office work is usually caught up and my house tidy.  I have to say that I am better able to stay focused on the present moment and to not take things personally thanks to the meditation and our daily chats.  My meditation partner is a complicated person with her own set of problems but together we plod along helping each other become better people.  I keep a social distance from her as I am averse to letting people (especially neighbors) get too casually comfortable in my home.  I think I have to work on this.  As much as I proclaim to be open-minded, I have a protective barrier installed at my front door.  This I am aware of.

I have began using essential oils and enjoying them immensely.  I have found a Native themed woman's circle that sings to my heart.  I have joined the Syrian Refugee Welcoming Committee in our small village.  I have dabbled in yoga.

I have had glorious, plentiful time with Sofia, aged 5, Mason and Jack, aged two, Reyna, aged 18 months and little Josie, aged 5 months.  I have brought them for walks in the woods, raspberry, strawberry and blueberry picking.  We've swam at the lake together.  We've had dance parties in my solarium, baked and iced cookies and had lots of fun.  They love their Granny and I adore each of them.

My husband and I have invited my elderly mother to come live with us and she's been here since September in all her alcoholic glory.  We sprung a deal that she would be allowed no more than one beer a day. Over the long, drawn out Christmas season she has managed to get around that promise. When I watch her desperate efforts to get another glass of booze, I would be blind and stupid to not see my future should I continue to drink.

Drink: I have continued to partake.  The good news is that I am drinking less booze than ever.  The bad news is it still unsettles me that booze still dominates my thoughts.

My wish for 2016 is to return from my trip to Mexico on January 16th and begin a sober, completely abstinent year.  Not only do I wish to be sober but I also want to attend all the gatherings where booze flourishes and to thumb my nose at convention and have a fantastic time sans alcohol.  I want to laugh, dance, tell jokes and be my tipsy, vibrant self all the while sipping on cranberry and soda.

Wishing is one thing; doing is another.  My plan is to stay close to this blog and others like it.  I would love a sober pen pal whose situation is similar to mine: a repeat relapser who is at least of middle age and preferably a (former) wine drinker.  It would be best if it was a she and a high functioning alcoholic.  The more we have in common the better.  Any takers?

While my life has become more authentic this year in many ways, my plan is to accomplish the biggest goal of my life: a year of sobriety.  Achieving this will open the door for this wonderful path of life to turn a corner and veer into uncharted territory: true authenticity, real emotions felt and dealt with, a sense of accomplishment and pride and best of all, the lightness of being that comes with a monkey thrown off one's back forever.

My word for 2016 is Presence.  I need to be present in order to stay conscious of what matters.

Happy New Year!

Surviving a Booze Soaked Evening

I had planned a Sleigh Ride in downtown Ottawa this past Sunday to celebrate the Christmas Season in combination with my daughter's 28th birthday and we, unfortunately, were in the midst of a freezing rain forecast.  After lots of back and forth calls between the Stable Owner, myself and my adult kids and step kids ended, we cancelled. I was disappointed as the booze was on the table and I was anxious to get away from the house.

Two of my kids were at my house with their little families.  They were being responsible with their drinking unlike hubby who was opening the fancy liqueurs he had purchased for Christmas.  I love the taste of Grand Mariner and Baileys Irish Liqueur.  I really wanted some. Badly.

We stayed home and hubby continued to drink in front of me.  He doesn't even know I've quit.  It's like a broken record.  I am always quitting.  I don't even tell anyone anymore.

Luckily, I had just received my box of DoTerra Essential Oils.  I put a drop or two of peppermint oil and lemon oil in a glass jug of water and sipped all evening.  The taste was so clean and fresh.  It was completely opposite to the booze I was craving.

I enjoyed the evening despite the temptations.  They are part of the journey; to be expected in this booze soaked world I live in.

The Essential Oils are a new passion of mine and I am excited to learn more about them and their organic uses in my life.

I had made some home made wontons and put them in some chicken broth.  We had that along with the Chinese dumplings I had also made the night before.  Having delicious food really helped me stay sober.

So a little roadblock was pushed aside and I've moved forward into the second week of sobriety coinciding with the 'Drinking Season'.

Have a great day.

Don't Want to Be Like My Mom

I spent the day at the hospital with my elderly Mom who was in severe back pain right behind her heart.  We (myself and the paramedics) thought it could be a heart attack.  We had her checked out and blood work done with no heart problems other than what is normal for her age found.  When I got home the thought of having a nice stiff drink occurred to me.  Instead I had a bath and shaved my legs, put on comfy PJ's and surfed the net for a spell.  I went to bed happy but tired.

Mom is on strong painkillers and I AM SOBER!!

She is NOT. But that's another story.

I think Mom was sent to live with me to teach me what to expect if I continue to drink.  She is so frail, so slurry and so sad/angry.  I remember her when she was my age having a few beers watching her Toronto Blue Jays or Toronto Maple Leafs and it was all fun and games.  Now she is desperately hanging on to when she can reasonably ask for her first and gaging when it might work out if she asks for a second (or third if she gets really nervy).  I try to be tough with her but she is a lost cause.  At 85 she is beyond reach at this point.  I want my life's path to meander in the complete opposite direction to hers:

She is old and frail:  I hope to be strong and vibrant at 85
She is negative: I am positive and want to stay that way
She is obsessed with her next fix:  I want to be well beyond that stinkin' thinkin' when I am her age
She doesn't eat or exercise besides sugar, booze and shuffling through the dollar store
I want to continue to cook, experiment with fantastic food and enjoy each and every bite.  I hope to be a Granny on the Go!!
She picks favourites and has the capacity to hate those who are not in her good books.  I love my children and grandchildren equally and never want any of them to feel 'less than' in my eyes.
She cannot manage her finances: I hope to continue gaining financial security through smart investments and smart savings plans.
Mom gets very angry when her booze is limited:  I don't want to have booze as an issue ever again.

I have to say that, although I am painting a nasty image of my elderly mother, she is doing her best to be easy to live with and we are somewhat enjoying her and watching her become less judgemental and sullen in our happy, fun home.

I pray (in my own way as I am not religious) that I will not have a 'what the hell' moment and start drinking.  I hope that I am as done as I feel I am at this moment.

Blogging is one of the few ways to keep me on track so here I am.

xoxo

UnSmashed

I was fortunate enough to stumble upon Unsmashed's Blog and went back to when she was struggling with her first few months of her final quit.  Our lives are/were so parallel; both being Canadian, never having hit 'rock bottom' having hubbies and friends who continue to drink, going on all-inclusive vacations, etc.  Her words resonate so much with me.

I am leaving for my son's wedding in Mexico on January 9th and plan on being sober between now and then and continuing during and well beyond that vacation.  I know it will be difficult as I will be the ONLY one not drinking there.  A few people attending are active alcoholics and I will be bullied by these same people to join in the partying.

I am so tired of the stop-start sobriety I've allowed my life to become.  When I drink a little, it is only temporary.  Before long I know I will have a 'big' night.  The last time I hurled over the side of a good friends hot tub and then went to bed.  Real Classy!!

I will be sixty in October and my horoscope has indicated, around that time, I am heading into the best 13 months of my entire life.  It says:

"I want you to celebrate the arrival of 2016, because on September 9, 2016, Jupiter, the giver of gifts and luck, will enter Libra for thirteen months, until October 10, 2017. Over the past several years, you have suffered quite a bit, mainly in regard to either a relationship or your health (or both). Now the universe will make a correction, and you will enter a glorious chapter. In the meantime, you will need to clear out all that is draining you, or no longer of interest to you, to make room for all the goodies the universe will bring you starting in September. You waited eleven-and-a-half years for Jupiter to come, and he is almost here!

The universe has not forgotten you, dear Libra. The universe loves you. You will see proof of this very soon.

In preparation for this time, I am going to stay on course and protect my sobriety.  Over the past few years, my drinking has petered down to almost never with the occasional gong show so I have a great footing when it comes to knowing how to say no and how to have fun sober.

Boredom is a trigger for me and I am increasing my rebounding, yoga, knitting, playing the keyboard and reading. 

If my friend, UnSmashed can do it, then so can I. 

Done My Time: Bring on the Success!!

We all have so much in common!  When I look at all my slip-ups and unfulfilled promises to myself I cringe.  When I read other blogs, it makes me realize that I am not alone and that feels so reassuring.  I think it can take a number of years from the time one starts thinking that maybe one has a problem with alcohol until one actually is able to walk away.  I am a late bloomer.  Although I am close to sixty years old I have only been abusing alcohol since I was 45 and recognized it as a problem about 8 years ago.  What a slow learner... I think I've done my time.  I've had my million tries.  I've got the badges to prove it: fluctuating self esteem, vast knowledge of alcoholism, sober pen pals, sobriety app on phone, my own personal sad little blog, favourite sober websites, blogs, etc.  I've got friends and family who think I'm crazy for my back and forth decisions, those who try to tell me I am a normie, those who give me the evil eye when they see me with drink in hand and others who support me no matter where I am in my 'journey'.

Eventually those of us who truly want to quit, DO SUCCEED.  We do.  We have to. I will. I am.

I don't drink.

Tripping, Falling but Happy

I've been honoured lately to be invited to some women's circles.  I have gone and sat and listened and talked very little.  I have so much to learn.  I sometimes don't feel worthy of these circles of wisdom but when I do speak I often feel that the women are resonating with what I say.  These gatherings are instrumental in reinforcing my desire to remain conscious, aware and sober.

Today we smoked a native pipe and set intentions as we smudged ourselves with the tobacco smoke.  I felt very emotional as I asked for healing so that I may heal others.  I seem to take two steps forward and three steps back.  My elderly mother's addiction to alcohol and her excuses and tricks to maintain her desired quota are serving as a mirror to my own behaviour.  She is living with me and currently thinks she is fooling me by asking for a beer, then a rum and coke even though she agreed to have only one beer a day when she moved in.  It was the only stipulation to her living with us.  I now have to find the courage to address this issue.  I hate confrontation.  She is one tough cookie and when refused her drink, she gets quite nasty.

I have made so many excuses for myself and moved my line in the sand about quantity more often than I like to admit.  Drinking is something that will I will never be comfortable with and will always be obsessed with.  I see myself in my mother and it is sad.  She can provide me with the opportunity to change the direction of my life if I let her.  She is a shadow of a woman; a dead-eyed old hag who occasionally comes to life usually with her first beer in hand.  I will be her if I don't continue this journey to sobriety.  If I backtrack and give myself permission to drink, I will never reach the place I strive for.

It was pointed out to me today by my meditation partner who lives across the street that I am teaching my grandchildren to enjoy dancing, walking in the woods, picking wild berries, bird watching, visiting the riverbank, baking and playing musical instruments,  I am so blessed to have five under five and they all live within a half hours drive of me. My positive influence on them thrills me as well as them.  For Christmas I got them each a second hand pair of skates and a real miniature guitar.  I am so excited to give them these gifts.

In general, I am happy but always close to faltering if not actually failing.  The difference now is that I don't hate myself quite as much as I used to and forgive myself when I fail.  Surprisingly this helps rather than hurts the achievement of my goals.

Another 100 day sober commitment set in motion today.

Feel the Pain and Accept Our Imperfections

Why do we hate ourselves and what can we do about it?

Our society has created a terrible dis-ease within itself in that many of us have gotten into the habit of self-criticism and suffer from intermittent feelings of not being enough or worthy of happiness.

This sickness sabotages our well being, our success and our awakening to what truly IS.

We are always trying to be someone other than the perfect human beings we are right now.  We fight our weight, our addictions, our unhealthy habits and all that we are.  We constantly are telling ourselves that things will be perfect when we change this or that about ourselves or our situation.

The sad fact of the matter is that even when we do succeed in changing an aspect of our lives, instead of celebrating the achievement, we immediately find another hurdle to jump in order to find fulfillment.  Fulfillment never comes. Ever.

What if we decided today to sit still and feel our unworthiness; feel the pain of not being perfect or enough.  What if we let these painful feelings drift through our consciousness, linger and go.  We could decide to suffer those ego centred pains and allow them to pass through us accepting that the imperfections we grieve are part of our individuality along with our attributes, good practices and positive personality traits.

I believe we would be more successful in improving ourselves if we felt worthy of improvement, worthy of love and enough.

Maybe we would go for a walk because we deserve the vitality exercise brings.  Possibly we would forgo that glass of wine or store bought cookie because we deserve to feel healthy.  We may even develop a nurturing morning ritual just because we want to make each day matter.

Just an idea worth considering.