So Far So Good

Thanks to the people who felt the calling to set me straight yesterday.  I am not out of the woods yet but I haven't drank.  Tonight we are heading to the lake house and having a romantic evening.  If I hadn't blogged about my impending relapse yesterday, I would be buying the bottle of red myself. Hubby will still buy it but I am thinking that I might have the presence of mind to abstain.  I may not.

I am not toying with the idea of drinking; it's something different.  It's as if a part of my brain that was so proud of my 40+ days A/F has disappeared.  In it's place is an ambivalent imposter.  That little monkey demon: He's there; I am aware of him whispering to me.  He has not left the building.  But being aware and posting about it, getting your feedback and talking about it this morning with my meditation partner honestly may just circumvent the inevitable relapse.

One thing I do know: if I do decide to drink, I will be starting another day one.  It may not be for days.  It may not be for weeks or months, but it will happen.

As Mrs. D says "Booze is dumb and all the cool people are sober."  Truer words were never spoken.

I came so close to drinking last night that the universe had to have had a hand in my sobriety.  I won't go into detail but I cannot take any credit for my sobriety this morning.  But this morning, I think I am getting my sober mojo back.

Heading off to the lake house with hubby and at this moment I have no plans to drink.

Again, Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Slipping into Complacency

I feel it happening.  I am edging towards drinking.  I feel like I am in free fall with nothing to stop me.  Life is not bad.  I am relatively happy.  I can't put a finger on why this craziness is starting again.

It's like I am planning it.  

Tread Gently on My Soul

I have been a little frustrated with my meditation practice in that I seem to have a wandering mind and have a hard time keeping it uncluttered while in meditation.

I was afraid that it was not benefiting me whatsoever but this morning after sitting again with a busy, monkey mind, I gave it some thought and realized that the one thing that has improved since I've started meditating is that I am not as harsh with myself.  I have accepted my weaknesses and pushed myself gently recently rather than calling myself names inwardly and feeling like a loser.

It's probably tied to the fact that I have consistently gotten up at 5:45 each morning, traipsed across the street and actually attempted meditation and spiritual/spirited discussion.  Doing anything consistently is a major victory for me.  I have to admit to myself that I'm getting closer to beating my morning coffee addiction in that my first drink of the day has become tea.  I still have my java but the dependence is wavering.  Many people promote coffee but, like all my bad habits, one cup is never enough.  When I drink coffee, I DRINK COFFEE!!  I hope to continue slowing down the caffeine hits as time progresses.

When do I start feeling like I've been reborn, cured, free, enlightened?  Does it ever happen?  I am starting to accept that there will never be a time when I don't have some little thing I wish to change about myself or my routine.  I am a work in progress.  I don't mind this constant need to better myself as long as I go about it gently.  Also, since it is a never ending process, I must find a way to feel like 'I've arrived' soon or I'll never get that satisfaction.

The key to being happy is to accept one's situation, limitations and, indeed, ONESELF.  So, gently I go, celebrating 50 days of mostly uninterrupted meditation, a week or two of caffeine decrease, a month and a bit of control over alcohol and some pretty consistent rebounding exercises.  I've been losing the holiday weight and that feels great.

I bought a stencil that I am putting by my beloved bathtub so I can read it daily as I bathe.  It says "Make Each Day Your Masterpiece".  As I was colouring in the stencil, my marker refused to work as I was doing the 'y' in the word 'your'.  Try as I might, it just would not fill in that 'y'.  I take that as a sign from the universe that my job is to ensure those around me feel like their day spent with me is a 'masterpiece'.

Today I will make this day OUR masterpiece.  We all have the ability to influence everyone we meet and we've all met people who make us feel great about ourselves.  Today, that person will be me.

I will tread gently on my soul and massage it with love and kindness.

Winter Blahs

This winter weather is getting to us all in my neck of the woods.  The house feels claustrophobic but I hate leaving to go on any errands.  Just driving to pick up the mail or to the bank, both of which I could walk to in 10 minutes, seems like a huge ordeal.

I've been watching too much T.V. and not reading or moving enough.  I can't seem to lose that belly bulge that I happily created over the holiday season.  Tip: after menopause starts losing weight is a bitch.  Previously when I needed to shed a few pounds I would slightly change my eating and voila! the weight would fall off.  Not quite that same situation now.  My belly is a bulging and my new mirror, which happens to be a 'fat' mirror, is a depressing reminder of the pounds stubbornness. I've decided to go low carb for a while.

I am on this blog because I know I need to; not because I have much to say.  I had a slight slip up on the weekend but corrected myself before it got to the point where I would call it a relapse.  It scared me to think that I was so willing to throw all the effort that went in to my sobriety on a whim.  Crazy Monkey Mind!!

I am learning about self-publishing on Amazon as I have a few short books up my sleeve.  It seems that I start to investigate this fascinating subject and then, immediately, start a game of on-line scrabble or switch the TV on or go on Facebook.  Hey let's avoid any productive or self-fulfilling activities just in case they make me feel good.

It's the same with a great book I am reading.  I will intend on reading it and then proceed to do everything in my power to make sure I don't.

I think I need a drink shrink!

Just One Thing ..

During our meditation this morning, my partner got a message for me.  Simply put , the message was "Just one thing".  Although it might seem a little general, I totally understand the message.

In my life time when I've wanted to change my lifestyle, I typically make a list of all the changes I want to make and set up a chart planning to tick the items off my list as I do them.  In one day I may have between four and ten items to tick off.  Usually within a day or two I've given up my plan.

When I gave up drinking, the only successes I've had have been when I've allowed myself all other pleasures and activities; just concentrating on not drinking.

My meditation practice has been a 44 day success.  I believe that one of the reasons for this is that it is all I expect of myself right now.  The non-drinking is a 'given' (for today) and my only daily commitment is the morning sessions.

Rather than try to fit every conceivable lifestyle change into a condensed period of time, I believe that, for me, one little thing at a time works far better.  For a person with my 'immediate gratification' issues, this has been a struggle and one that I've been challenged to adhere to.

It is so tempting to immediately commit to daily smoothies, drinking a ton of water, flossing my teeth, half hour of exercise and all the other healthy practices.

I have to STOP and go over my progress.  I've been 33 days A/F and have 44 meditating days under my belt.  Maybe at day 55 I will consider adding another practice.  Until then, I will continue to bask in the small successes I am having.

Just One Thing... it's the way to go for me, at any rate.

What I Don't Miss ...

Being sober rocks !!

I don't miss being tired in the morning and missing the early hours
I don't miss having my children and grandchildren watch me drink
I don't miss every damn photo I am in I have a glass of red in hand
I don't miss the arguments in my head
I don't miss the heart palpitations and 3:00 a.m. wake ups
I don't miss the dehydration that causes the body buzz 
I don't miss the belly weight
I don't miss the taste believe it or not
I don't miss the expense
I don't miss the memory lapses 
I don't miss the burns, scrapes, slips and falls
I don't miss the hiding my emotions and fears
I don't miss the excuses to start earlier in the day
.... etc. ad nauseum

DAY 30 COMPLETED!

I've only had three of them ... day 30's that is!  In all my years of attempting to abstain, day 30 was mostly un-achievable.  Once before my big 138 day quit and of course in the midst of that huge quit, I got to the big 3-0.  It does not seem like much now that I've quadripled that milestone but it should be acknowledged if only to encourage myself.

Martinis were being made on Saturday night by a friend from my old life in Quebec who was visiting for the first time since we built our new house.  When he offered me one I asked him if he remembered the last incident with me and martinis.  I not only puked but simultaneously peed myself at a dinner party he was at.  Of course, he didn't remember.  I thought the drama was ingrained in the minds of all... but no ... people forget.  I was such a lush and all people think now is that I am a tea-totaller.

Hubby got tipsy (bombed) on Friday and Saturday night.  On Friday he was in a fighting mood and accused me of being a 'goody-two-shoes' as I was driving his drunk ass home.  All I can say is LOL!!
He didn't recall the exchange the next morning and I didn't bother to remind him.

The past month as been easy to abstain mostly but I am still scared of the sneaky bastard, booze.  It will blindside me; that I know!! Hopefully, I will be present enough to ride the monkey around on my back for a while before hurling it to the curb.

My daily meditation visits with my neighbor/friend are going on 40 odd days.  Doing well in that respect.

It was such a joy to see my son switch to tea after a beer or two on a night we were both socializing together and both responsible for driving our spouses home.  That made it all worthwhile.

White Hair and PMS - what's wrong with this picture?

I am finding it difficult to post lately but thought I should because when I stop posting, I invevitably, start drinking soon thereafter.

I was zooming along through life until mother nature whacked me in the head.  I've just gotten through a crazy menopause period which means it was proceeded by a couple of months of nothing, then a week of severe PMS and then it hit me with a messy, crampy vengeance.  At 58, you would think I was done with this crap.

All this to say, my mood has been down and a little self-critical.  The inertia I feel when I am feeling the effects of PMS are unnerving.  I also can't seem to shed the 10 pounds I put on at Christmas.  Usually when I abstain the weight just falls off me.  Not this time.  Oh well, I may be meant to carry this old lady weight around for the rest of my days.

I also have finally let my natural white hair just be.  It's been a three or four month process but I finally found a hairdresser who helped me transition from dyed black hair to my natural white with grace and elegance.  I absolutely love the look and have it short and spiky... very chic if I do say so myself.

Lots of interaction with the grandchildren lately which makes me happy.  Today my pregnant daughter has an ultrasound and I am watching her 8 month old who is in the throes of teething.

I have a couple from my past drinking life coming for dinner and a sleep over on Saturday so I must prepare for the drunken debauchery that will ensue.  Right now I feel that nothing can touch my sobriety....

The weather involves deep, beautiful snow and with all the windows in this house, it's picture perfect.  I have yet to put on my snowshoes and go for a walk but I hope to soon.

My 6:00 a.m. meditations have been a Godsend and they are sustaining me through a lot of self-doubt and insecurities that I have no business feeling.

Have a lovely weekend.

Presence VS Goals

 I am reading a lot about resting in the present moment and letting all seeking thoughts come and go without doing anything about them.  According to these teachings, when seeking thoughts arise, action is not to be taken but, in addition, one is not to judge or react in any way to these thoughts.  

One is to learn to watch our thoughts, seeking and otherwise, from the seat of our soul, our authentic selves.  We learn this only one way and that is by doing nothing. 

By doing nothing I mean just that; resting in the present moment and allowing what is to just ‘be’.  I love this idea and practice this bit of nothingness  as often as I remember to.  But therein lies the problem.  How can I reach any goals if I don’t act on those whispered messages from my brain?  What do I do?  Must I give up my goals in order to gain happiness?  Must I stop trying to improve myself, get healthier and increase my self-discipline?  I know there’s an answer to this question out there but I haven’t found it yet.  I am going to explore it here typing as I’m thinking.

Currently, when those seeking thoughts arise I pay attention to them.  I am always affected by them and spend hours discussing them in my head.  For example when (not if)  I get a random thought that I really should get rid of the ten pounds I put on over Christmas, I always  sit up and take notice.  I start by damning myself for putting them on in the first place.  After I’ve put myself in my place, I begin to plan on how I will tackle this problem.   I might even write a list of exercise and diet rules I plan on following.  I go all out.  But the one thing I never do is take the weight off.  I do not follow through in any of my plans. 

The same goes for my desire to improve in my housework, office work, personal hygiene and any other tasks that point to my perceived shortcomings. 

I am experiencing a small amount of success lately in that I have not had a drink in eighteen days.  I have also kept my promise this month to join my friend every morning for an hour of meditation and mindful readings.  I give full credit to my meditation success to my fear of letting my meditation partner down.  I am not sure whether my abstinence is a result of me being more present or the fact that I’ve reached my wall with booze.

But upon further reading the point is made that with the act of resting in presence, consciousness and awareness, one naturally begins to do what is good for oneself.  I am pleased with myself for my 30+ days of consistent meditation and my 22 days of abstinence.  I hope that by allowing myself to go slow and to improve at my own pace the rest will follow.