I`ve been sober for only 11 days, 14 hours and a few minutes. I`ve had lots of sober stretches but haven`t yet attained my goal: freedom from the resident monkey on my back. As usual, this sober stretch feels like the real McCoy. I am finding it easy as I always do. I am very determined as I always am. I hope that the outcome will be different this time. I hope that this is it!! The past has determined that alcohol is a formidable foe and is very sneaky (as you all know).
When my guard is down in a few days, weeks or even months a little glass of wine or beer will seem like a very good idea. When this line of attack occurs, I usually am not prepared and quietly go ahead with it ... totally forgetting that one little drink will lead to another and another and ... how exhausting it is to be actively addicted to booze.
With my elderly, alcoholic mother coming to live with me in two weeks I have to be sober as I am going to have to monitor her one drink per day that we`ve agreed on. At 85 she`s not going to benefit from a strict abstinence rule and I want her morale to be good while she`s here. If I allow her more, she will take it as she is in active addiction and has never tried to curb her drinking. Her former place of residence made it impossible for her to drink much but being here she will try to be conniving in her attempts to drink more. If she succeeds because my guard is down, she will literally die as her health is shaky at the best of times. So in order to sustain her life I must be sober.
Lately I have finally started benefiting from the morning meditations I`ve been practicing for the past nine months. My life has, finally, become more orderly, disciplined and tidy. This consciousness I am enjoying can only help with my abstinence. My eyes are open and alert more so now than ever. I can hardly believe how clean my house is, how organized my office is and how caught up I am in all areas of my life. This is a complete turn around. The change has, funnily enough, coincided with my sobriety. Go figure!!
I apologize for burying my head in the sand these past few weeks. It`s what I do when I am unhappy with myself. I have to remember that if I can be honest anywhere, I can be honest here. No judgement from you guys that I can remember.
Something I have come to realize as a result of being a very moderate drinker these past few years is that moderate or not, I still have the addiction. Booze still calls my name and pokes me, prods me, tempts me and humiliates me no matter how much or how little I drink. Just because I am able to control it for the most part does not mean that I am a `normie`. I do not have to control my intake of tea, peanut butter, chicken or avocados; just booze and coffee (yes, coffee). No other substance takes up so much of my precious time and energy.
Off to a Farmer`s Market. Thanks for reading.