Day by day I am improving my self talk turning from negative chastising to letting myself off the hook. This, ironically, paves the way for me to accomplish more, procrastinate less and, as a result, feel better about myself which helps continue the cycle of positive self talk. Does this make sense?
Example: Yesterday, on a whim I decided to walk along the groomed path along the river that leads deep into the woods at the edge of the village. I walked and took close to ten thousand steps in the process. It was invigorating, uplifting, spiritually freeing and all that jazz. My old ego brain started in on the "You should have done this all summer" quickly followed by the "You should do this every day from now on.." I corrected this little witch-ego by countering with "the bugs were bad all summer; now they are dead therefore less bothersome" and "You can choose to walk this lovely path again; it's up to you". I allowed myself to be forgiven for missing the opportunity to enjoy this trail all summer. Realistically, I get eaten alive when I walk in nature before the first cold night. It's just not pleasant. Beaches suit me better in the summer. Fall and Winter are awesome times to enjoy the trail in all it's colourful and eventual white splendour. If I want to experience these natural treasures bad enough I will make time for them.
My mom is behaving and not trying to sneak more than her allowed one beer a day. I am pleased about that although it's still early yet. Right now she is upstairs happily rolling my toonies and loonies (Canadian one and two dollar coins). She has offered to do my filing so I think I will take her up on it and, soon, together we can match three months worth of credit card statements to their invoices. We'll put some Frank Sinatra on Songza and file away.
Today I took Mom to our first piano lesson. I play very well by ear but can't read music or play conventionally. Mom is thrilled to be learning the piano as it has been her life long dream and I am just tickled pink that after our first lesson I am actually progressing nicely. It is challenging enough not to be boring and easy enough not to be discouraging.
I ramble on here but the bottom line is I am, again, not drinking. I am racking up the days again until my inevitable small hiccup. I'll just put my sobriety counter back to Day one and start again. I know that may sound like dangerous thinking to you all but, to me, it's reality and I accept my mostly sober life.
Talk soon.
Long time reader, first time commenter. I take so much heart from your words and experiences, and it really is your balanced outlook and your commitment to self love that resonate so much. Balance and self love seem, to me anyway, to be the building blocks of sustainable contentment, which is my goal.
ReplyDeleteSobriety in itself is not my goal, but I do think sobriety, at least at this point, significantly contributes to my goal. Maybe that's why this time around it's been easier; my thinking has shifted from hyperfocus on "ohmygod don't drink ever again, you bad girl" to, "let's just see if not drinking makes you feel better."
And that has worked.
I'm on day 37 after a lot, a lot, a lot of restarts over the years. I like counting days for now; we'll see if that changes over time.
Lile you, it wasn't a rock bottom that set me on this road, and I am grateful I didn't have to go that low to know that I wanted to start moving back up. That said, boy howdy do I have at least one mug shot from years ago and lots of regrets from bad choices I made before, during and after drinking. Most certainly.
But my decision to stop - and to keep trying to stay stopped - was more about an increasing depression from drinking and its effects, and an unshakeable knowing that there was more to my life and, if I was going to find it, I had to stop drinking. Maybe forever, but most definitely for "a while." I don't know what "a while" means; I just know I'm not there yet.
Like you, meditation, exercise, challenging that meanie in my head when she starts criticizing me, setting healthy boundaries with real-life meanies, not punishing myself via procrastination, trying to be of help to people and spending time on new and old hobbies have all been as important as not drinking. That's not really rocket science, but having a fuller, more functional life spring up in such a short time has helped encourage me to stay with the not drinking.
I'm so grateful for places like your blog and the Hip Sobriety blog that have helped take the black and white out of this. There aren't just two camps, alcoholic or not alcoholic.
There are a whole bunch of us who live and grow and fail and succeed in the middle. It's not dangerous to love and accept yourself if you slip. It's not setting yourself up for failure as I've heard so many in the black and white brigade warn. If your plan is to forgive yourself for falling a little bit short of where you want to be, and then continue trying to get where you want to be, that sounds pretty safe to me.
As a very wise friend of mine has counseled me: keep going. I love that it's easy to remember, and it works in all kinds of scenarios. Keep going on a healthy path, keep going even if you veer off that path for a minute, and definitely keep going if you find you're on the wrong path, because you sure as sh*t aren't going to find the right path by standing still, or worse, crrumpling into a ball of defeat in the middle of that wrong path.
Three cheers for all of us who keep going!
V
It sounds like things are going well.
ReplyDeletePerhaps that hiccup need never come. I can't imagine a reason to drink now-good nor bad. I just feel so good physically and mentally.
It's a previous thing.
But life has no right and no wrong. We just have to listen to our heart.