- have an organized, clean house that hubby and me are maintaining on a minute by minute basis
- am eating cleaner, healthier and less
- am caught up with office work and putting in the time needed to stay caught up
- am feeling no guilt when I take time to play or read or do absolutely nothing; I keep waiting for the feelings of unworthiness to rear their ugly head but it's stopped, it's actually stopped
- am spending more quality time with the grand kids with no pressure on myself whatsoever
About the healing of my procrastination habits, I do have an explanation but it's a bit unbelievable. I'll trust you to take it with a grain of salt: Two weeks ago (a few days into my latest sobriety attempt) I was alone at night as hubby had left for three nights away. I went across the yard to turn off the shop lights as they were glaring in my bedroom window. As I stood outside I noticed that the moon was not only full but low and glowing with what looked like an aura of reddish light. It was profoundly beautiful and called to me. I stood very still for a few moments and stared up at it. It seemed to invite conversation. With no forethought, the following words came to my lips: "Mother Moon, you have now finally stopped pulling blood out of my womb. Can you now reach deep inside me and coax my authentic self to the surface.. allow me to capture the discipline I need to fulfill my life's purpose." I mumbled a few more entreaties and went inside. From that moment on and for the remainder of my time alone that weekend, my life was filled with reorganization, cleaning and decluttering. I, literally, worked my ass off from Thursday night until hubby arrived home on Monday afternoon. I survived on smoothies, home made juices, nuts and seeds.
Nothing has been the same since. I think it was my version of "Let Go, let God" or surrendering my weakness to a 'higher power'. Whatever it was, it is still working. My house is clean, laundry caught up, office work caught up and I am enjoying my down time without the lingering self-loathing that used to accompany any time I was not using my time to work .. which was often since I was the Queen of Procrastination.
I am riding the waves of this 'new me' and loving it.