Fifteen Years of Struggle

Being sober is great but I miss hiding behind the glass of red.  When I felt irritated a few times yesterday afternoon I had to face my unsettled mind sober.  It was not easy.  I was irrationally upset a few times for silly reasons and I had to talk myself out of it and carry on.  This is how it should be but, being a passive person who avoids conflict to a fault (even inner conflict), it is challenging.

Emotion was my enemy; I conquered it with booze.  I have to now experience it with presence, calmness and acceptance.  I have to feel the emotion, watch it as it wafts through my subconscious mind into my consciousness and then out of my awareness as it dissipates. In order to do this I have to be fully awake to my inner self.

Living a life on auto-pilot creates a gateway for addictions to get back into our lives.  We must always try to ask ourselves what we are feeling.  Not why we are feeling these emotions; but simply, what we are feeling.  We should not question or criticize our emotions as they are out of our control.  Our reaction to them is the only thing we can control.

Waking up this morning at 5:45, hopping getting in the shower, getting dressed, meditating and reading and having my first coffee; these activities were untainted by a hangover or feelings of remorse.  I was eager, happy and ready to immerse myself in life.  Let's face it, I have never actually hopped in the shower but that's beside the point.

I am turning 59 in a week and I realized that I have been drinking more than I should and/or fretting about my drinking habits for close to fifteen years.  It's over, baby!! Better late than never.  

I have started working on a book that's been brewing in my mind for a long time.  More on that later.

Weekend begins and for the first time in years, I have absolutely no plans.  Love it.