Dancing with the Devil

I have been swinging from wanting to quit drinking altogether and dabbling in moderation for many years.  I have, in fact, become a very good moderator of my intake.

This is not a good thing.

It does mean that I have a strong inner strength which allows me to keep the beast at bay most of the time.  This, in theory, sounds like a great attribute and, in other areas of my life, it is.  But when it comes to alcohol addiction, it just postpones the inevitable.  I am so good at moderation that I can go along for a few weeks merrily doing the moderating dance:  Two steps forward, One step back, Cha Cha Cha.  One step up, BIG step down, dip and twirl. Swing your partner round and round.  Have a drink and knock her down.

I was `moderating` one night a few weeks ago after a few weeks of abstinence and found myself pouring glass after glass of red wine while watching TV alone.  I had a massive hangover the next day.  But the next night, like a true professional drinker dancer, I curtsied to my partner and round and round I went again.

The fact that I can do some pretty successful moderation sequences means that I never really quit.  I still dance with the same partner week after week.  Taking a break once in a while seems to just reinforce the fact that I am a very good dancer with the Devil.

Moderation is only keeping my Boozy partner either at my side leading me along with suave moves or patiently waiting in the wings for me to be lonely, out of step or bored.  He, then smoothly glides in, grabs my arm and away we go.  Another song, another set, another dance, the occasional fall.  It never ends.

I never fall hard enough to stop the madness.  I just stumble, glance around to see if anyone noticed, pick myself up, dust myself off, take a small break (or not) and carry on.

So the fact that I am able to continue this insane dance-off is hurting my recovery and I am, hereby, acknowledging this here and now.

Moderation is not a healthy practice even if I am really good at it.  I never leave the macabre dance floor.  I never go home.  I never rest.  I am always poised to handle my sleazy, boozy partner and feel smug that he didn`t manage to embarrass me or kill me yet.

I have been abstinent for a short period of time and with this new perspective on moderation (Thanks Bubble Hour) I can decide where I want to go from here.  It`s up to me.

Wallflower Wino!!  The New Me!