The Woman Within

The Woman Within

Deep within the folds of my heart lies the true essence of my being. She is similar to the ME that I project to the world but different. I have partially lived her reality as a maturing woman but never fully honoured her for, although her qualities are many, she possesses attributes that don’t sit well with others. She is not your cookie cutter woman. She is wonderful but not suited to everyone’s expectations. She has been struggling for her full release my entire life. She is here. She tells me:

I am the Hippie, the Gypsy, the Native, The Gardener, The Healer, The Listener, The Artist,. I am an Earth Woman, a River Witch, a Crone. I live close to and often within my Spiritual Self.

Although I love people, I am a loner and prefer to keep to myself. When I am among others, most often they leave feeling connected and wish to maintain close contact. I desire this but a part of me resists. Solitude comforts me. I abandon my independent side when I make love with my husband. We find such euphoria in each other’s bodies and celebrate our compatibility with gratitude and eagerness.

I am a vegetarian at heart. I am beckoned by the appeal of whole foods. The cooking and preparing of animal meat is my compromise to those I love. I waver on the vegan side. I love dark chocolate, black licorice, anything sweet or savoury made with coconut, Asian food, artichokes dipped in mayonnaise, wilted spinach with feta and garlic.

I drink tea. I am drawn to coffee’s darkly roasted allure but at heart, clear, hot tea suits me better. My mouth enjoys the sensations that linger during and after my teatime breaks.

I dance with my hips and ass gyrating while alone listening to my playlist of sexy songs. I bounce on my mini-trampoline while listening to music or positive podcasts preferably outdoors in the woodsy area behind my home or in the solarium in the winter. I walk to get the mail and do my banking when I have time and the inclination. I treat myself to a walk along the river often. These activities along with actively maintaining my home are the source of my robust vitality.

I am uncomfortable with routine and value personal freedom above all states of mind. Office work bores me but I meet all deadlines and realize that staying organized is the key to minimizing my time spent in administration. I have no set office hours but carve out work time based on my personal commitments and sensible business priorities.

I bathe daily and attend to my feminine practices such as shaving my legs, applying natural cream and taking care with my appearance. I go with a simple, flattering style and don’t bother much with makeup or hair products.

I am playful with children and create memories surrounding nature with them. I am a watcher of adults. I don’t feel the need to interact with adults in a casual way except when I am drawn to help others. My words are for the expression of insightful thoughts and my ears are for the listening of others fears. I am easily bored with small talk and rarely share my feelings. When I do communicate my words are generously interspersed with outrageous, wholesome humour. I am happy and untroubled in most areas of my life.

I am a recovering alcoholic who has learned from her many failed attempts at abstinence that, although alcohol is a socially expected, ritualistic drink I must dare to invoke distrust, disappointment and sometimes, even resentment among my closest family and friends by not partaking of it. My alcoholism prevents me from compromising on this unfortunate fact but also has been instrumental in the gradual realization that by freeing myself of it’s chemical and emotional side effects, a miraculous opportunity for personal growth and authenticity is able to emerge.

I have the right to my restful and restorative time and feel deserving and serene when not doing much of anything. I sometimes rest when work is not completed and that is perfectly fine.

I live in the moment and do not brood about the past. When I am without the screen of alcohol, I get flashes of horror that involve my past. I allow those thoughts to come to the forefront of my mind and feel the sensations of body and spirit as the horrors work their way through. They dissipate quickly because I let them go through without judgement.

When the future is uncertain I acknowledge this unknown, open ended energy and let it go as well. There is nothing to be gained by fretting and experience has shown me that as life unfolds, I have the ability to rise up and meet it, whether it is pleasurable or uncomfortable.

What I do now, at this moment is my focus. I consciously pick raspberries with my grandchildren, wholeheartedly prepare a nutritious meal, bathe with candlelight and incense, play my keyboard with eyes closed and face uplifted and, happily match credit card invoices to statements with focus and intent.

I am awake. I am here.

My role in life is to simply be me. The young ones will emulate me if they sense my contentedness and, of course, my love for them. I will be remembered as the one who lived authentically.

Currently, I sit here as the one who has been gifted with the words to express the qualities of the true woman within. She is gracefully emerging and with continued sobriety will continue to do so. The inner knowing I am privy to will continue to guide my soul in the soothing of my ego’s fears. Finally, the woman I’ve longed to be will emerge.

I honour and welcome her. For she is me.