Remember those weekends? The ones when we let ourselves do the inevitable? Remember having more than we planned? Off to bed we go leaving the kitchen dishes undone, teeth unbrushed, maybe sleeping in our clothes, forgetting to take off our bra. Waking in the night, not knowing the time but it's dark outside. We are incredibly thirsty and a dull ache is beginning in our head. Our stomach is churning and our mind is reeling. What have we said and to whom? Have we agreed to anything we will regret? Why did we, yet again, drink too much? We thought we had this under control. That's why we were attempting moderation in the first place.
The morning comes after a fitful night. We stagger to gulp water and pain killer and fall back into bed. Our head is now pounding. Why did we do this? We really can't say.
We acknowledge that we cannot control our drinking at this time. We know we must quit altogether. We are sure of it. No doubt in our mind.
Over the next few days we abstain. We are strong. We are pleased with our decision. After a while the memory of the hangover, regret and awfulness fades. Eventually we drink because we think we can control it.
And the vicious cycle continues. Stopping the cycle is my greatest challenge. It's all fine and dandy now. But what of the future? Selective memory is going to happen.
Vigilance is so important and that is why meditation and practicing resting in the present moment are so necessary for success.
Stay alert and awake!! Stay alert and awake!!
Yes the cycle is vicious but we can break it...took me soooo many times..but I know you can do it. Listened to an interesting podcast today called Recovery Elevator. The guy explains why we cannot stop at one drink...was very interesting and solidifies what I already know...I cannot take the first drink..give it a listen if you have time..thinking of you..
ReplyDeleteI think sometimes I need a primary directive. It would be "I do not drink, no matter what". No matter how I feel, what happens, who does what to whom, my myriad struggles with physical, mental, spiritual, emotional well being and the struggles of loved ones, the many reasons to celebrate and socialize with a glass or two, the drinking/drugging behaviors of others in my life circle. My mantra would be "The decision has been made" when I get that creeping string of rationalizing thoughts that lead me back to a bottle of wine in my hand.
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