After such a long period of years, I am understanding my compelling urge to drink alcohol. I, again, have to thank Bubble Hour Podcasts. They are resonating with me now and explaining actions I am guilty of time after time. The past has not been pleasant and sometimes it was brutal. Booze came into my life when my self-love was at an all time low and my fear of the future was at an all time high. Letting go of that fear now that I am in the secure arms of a loving partner and a steady, relatively predictable life is difficult and what keeps me relapsing.
I also believe that I self-sabotage when I am feeling proud of myself as if I am afraid of appearing too successful or accomplished. I am afraid, deep down, that my imperfection is what keeps me happily accepted in the midst of my family and friends. Who wants to be around someone with a life as sweet as mine? I am in an enviable situation with a partner that is truly my soul mate, a newly built dream home, a successful business where I work from home, three great adult kids and five loving, healthy grandchildren. But, alas!! I have a drinking problem. I am suffering. I am one of them.
This is totally ridiculous thinking and now that I am aware of it, maybe I can stay strong with my latest sobriety stretch reminding myself that it is my right and honour to heal myself of my addiction and to be free of this failure.
Sobriety's path is different for everyone. Our ego seems to need to keep us unsteady and immersed in inner conflict. Being sober is the ultimate pinnacle of happiness and of finally closing the circle of a well rounded life for me. With long term sobriety, I can move forward in fulfilling my life's calling and accomplishing what we all desire: to leave a positive mark on the people we touch in our lifetime.
My skill at moderation, fear of success, need to fit in and lack of self love have all postponed the next phase of my life. Today, in this final stretch of continued abstinence, I reclaim my joy, my passion and my perfection. I am perfectly enough as a sober, happy, loving woman.
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