Saturday 23 August 2014

Complacency Will Get Me Yet

If my sobriety is interrupted, I know exactly what will cause it.  I am only four months in and am starting to feel very complacent.  I don't check the other sober blogs as much.  I don't hang out at as often as I used to.  I don't feel inspired to blog here much.  This is very dangerous. 

My husband and I have been to hell and back living in this trailer on the construction site with the terrible weather we've had.  It's been a freezing cold summer with lots of torrential rain.  The trailer floor has been smeared with mud for weeks, the hot water stopped working, the power stopped chilling the fridge and we had major flooding in the basement of the new house.  As well we flooded our neighbors but that's another story.  My husband went to check out the water's depth and stepped off the ladder into waist high water and, for the second time this summer; both due to rain, ruined his cell phone.  Last evening the rain finally stopped pounding and we did a major cleanup and got everything back in working order.  We spent hours pumping out the basement, mopping the water and debris into a corner, changing the trailer's bed linens, cleaning out the rotten food in the fridge, sweeping and mopping the muddy floors and getting ourselves cleaned up.  We then went for supper at a local restaurant / bar.  If there was draft beer on the menu, I would've had one.  For sure.  I checked.

I don't know whether that one beer would have started the usual progression that leads straight to nightly drinking but, in the past, one drink is all it took. 

The reason this happened is complacency.  I am so quick to think "Problem Solved ... onward and upward".  I don't want to own my sobriety; I want it to just be.  But sobriety cannot be left unattended.  It tends to misbehave.  Every time I've started feeling cocky, I've been tricked into drinking by my own self talk.  Every decision I've ever made to drink has been a split second one.  My monkey mind sees a hole in my armour and stealthily but quickly slides in and makes it's move.  It works every time and last night it worked.  I didn't feel like a bottled beer, a glass of wine but I sure felt like a nice cold Stella Artois on tap.  I settled for a coffee.

I think we, ex-drinkers, and especially me, should respect the indecisive months we put into making the decision to abstain from alcohol by giving the decision to drink more than a moment's thought. 

I would like to commit to not taking that first drink without having one night pass from the time I decide to drink to actually taking the drink, itself.  It's the least I can do to honour what's best for my well being.

... and I have to stay close... I need you guys.  Don't let me get cocky or complacent.  It's my Achilles heel.


  1. Your self awareness is admirable Deb. And your restraint in times of hellish adversity. You are doing very well. You make a lot of sense. Good for you x

  2. If you only knew how much we need you and your blog...we all need each other more than we realize. Guess what I did when I relapsed? Decided to drink a beer sample at a new brewery because beer was never my problem...always wine...that kind of thinking led to the misconception that I could drink beer but I would never drink wine again...and you know the rest of the and more wine. I have 12 days sober and The catalyst for me was getting the email from Belle that she had a spot for me in the 100 day challenge. The hardest thing for me to donis reach out but I must and you have to keep writing for yourself and all of us too...Big Hug!

  3. Thanks for the comments. It's funny how just one little drink sets us off for another run of despair. Why would we even consider it. Just like NoWine said, we think because it's not our drink of choice we are not vulnerable. We are because it's all booze disguised as something palatable. Let's stay close and keep reading and posting. It's our only hope for success. xoxo