Had a bit of a slide down Booze Alley in the past few days. You know how it starts ...
After a few days I've already come to my senses and hopped back on the wagon. I won't promise it will be for a lifetime but I do promise it will be part of a 100 day countdown starting at 100 and working it's way down to zero. I've chosen this angle just to switch things up and to freshen up the drudgery of yet, another, kick at the can.
Today is day 99 as I did not partake last night (within a very challenging situation where everyone at the cottage I was at was extolling the virtues of this
On June 14th, day 0 I will receive a letter I've written to myself via a great website: futureme.org that allows for this type of thing. This letter will remind me of how I feel now, immediately following breaking my latest commitment to abstinence.
It's not that I am a wrecking ball to others when I start up with the booze; it's that I am a wrecking ball to my sleep quality, obsessive mind, self-confidence, general over-all health and serenity.
I only careened off my intended path for a few days but my mind instantly became altered after the first sip. My first thought was to create NEW rules about drinking: "I will only drink when ...." Then I became obsessively aware of how much we had in the house, which restaurants we would go to, when the next opportunity would present itself. I also, simultaneously, began breaking any and all rules I set out for myself. Sound familiar?
So, if you are here for the perfect abstainer to enlighten you with her wisdom, you've come to the wrong place. If you are here to take comfort and learn from a fellow life traveller's ups and downs then stick around.
Maybe one day we can become wise together and become the Gurus of sobriety.
But until then ... sigh ....
After nearly 14 years of sobriety I decided that I had experienced a change cellularly and could drink. My measurement for this change was inebriation...could I drink without getting drunk. I watched some other guidelines slip by the wayside,i.e., no drinking before 5 I decided was unnecessary, but I was able to stop myself before becoming drunk. What I hadn't taken into account when this decision came upon me was my obsession with drinking. Maybe I could control my drinking somewhat, but I could not control my thinking about it...what time is it? Is this too early? Is there too much alcohol in this drink or not enough? Is the glass too full? CRAZY MAKING.
ReplyDeleteI drank for 4 months and watched as the amount increased and while the quantity consumed never reached my previous levels, my efforts to control my consumption tripled. There is no doubt in my mind the day of quieting my mind would have taken over and drinking more would have been the solution.
I now have one year and seven months sober. I commend you on your honesty and willingness. You are truly seeking the higher road!
Sometimes replies come at the most opportune times and this one really resonates with me. Fourteen years from now I may be having the same experience and I hope I remember your wise words. Thanks for your support. When we finally really see our relationship with alcohol as the culprit, we learn that even IF we can drink less often and less quantity, we still have a dysfunctional relationship with that same alcohol we profess to control. How many times do I have to relearn this???
ReplyDeleteHi buddy! Welcome back!! I missed you! Thank you for reminding me that I'm a friggen wrecking ball to myself when I drink! I've been having stupid thoughts.
ReplyDeleteI love the letter idea on the website! Gotta try it out
hugs
jen
www.sober4mommy.blogspot.ca