This morning`s meditation was a success in that I finally was able to stay present for the entire duration. Usually I end up making grocery lists, solving family issues or generally allowing my thoughts to overtake my self-awareness.
At the root of my problem of not following through on my plans to become who I was born to be is one simple word: CHAOS !!
I am a `squiggly`in the psychological definition of personality type. There`s squares, rectangles, circles and us, disorganized, all-over-the-place squigglies. I start projects, let them drop. I have fantastic ideas but never follow through on them. I start cleaning the house and end up reading that book I found. I begin to make spaghetti sauce and end up with chili. This might seem like a cute trait, but, believe me, living in this head can sometimes be chaotic and frustrating.
Since I began my morning meetings with my neighbor and friend I`ve done some major work on myself and come to terms with some issues that were blocking me. Sobriety is an ongoing process, mother issues are on the table and I feel ready to move forward with beginning to work on some of my deepest goals.
For the first time this morning I put my nose to the grindstone and, for ten minutes, I breathed in Order and breathed out Chaos. I want to get the business so organized that a mere, solid hour of work every morning is all it takes to keep the paperwork up to date. I wish to have the house in a place where another precious hour a day keeps it tidy and cheery. That is 2 hours out of the precious 24 the universe re-gifts to me each morning. Twenty two hours to spend as I please.
I can write my novel.
I can enjoy nature.
I can make new friends.
I can pamper myself.
I can enjoy my grandchildren.
I can do whatever I please.
This gift of personal freedom has been there for the past few years ever since I left the rat race to join my husband in running the family business. I`ve wasted it through my drinking, procrastination, disorganization and self-loathing actions.
With my daily meditation practice now focused on bringing order into my life and releasing the chaos that has crippled me emotionally, I stand poised to move on to the next phase of my life: Daily Conscious Living!
It`s there for the taking.