A wise friend of mine gave me some advice about my abstinence hiccups. In the past whenever I lost my sober rhythm by having a few drinks, I would bow my head in shame and, as she put it, go dark for a while... avoiding my own blog, my favourite sobriety chat room. She suggested that instead of looking at my blips as failures I should 'own' my style of recovery.
My pattern is lots of sober days strung together with a drinking evening thrown in every once in a while. The last one was a drunk but normally they are a glass or two. After about five years of 'trying' to abstain, this is where I have landed. If it wasn't for the feelings of failure, I would be quite OK with this pattern as long as I don't allow the daily drinking to creep back in.
Because I have a tendency to allow the daily drinking to reinsert itself in my life, I can't say I am a moderator or that I am capable of moderating. I have to be always working towards abstinence even if I've decided to own my pattern of self sabotage.
It's time to stop the self-loathing and get on with life.
My life has improved so much in the past few months on a self-awareness level. My meditations are all about breathing in Order and expelling Chaos. If my life has order, I tend to make healthier decisions on a moment by moment basis. By order I mean, getting my 'have to' stuff done early in the day to allow for the guilt free pleasures of the remainder of the day.
If I am walking on the trail by the river and an important work related task is sitting, uncompleted on my desk, it takes away from the serenity and happiness I could be feeling. So, my job is to 'Eat the Frog' and get stuff done, then enjoy my day.
Owning my pattern of abstinence vs drinking is a healthy choice given the fact that I am so very much against daily drinking and will do my utmost to always struggle back to that sober place.
Does this make sense?