Thursday 21 May 2015

Own It

A wise friend of mine gave me some advice about my abstinence hiccups.  In the past whenever I lost my sober rhythm by having a few drinks, I would bow my head in shame and, as she put it, go dark for a while... avoiding my own blog, my favourite sobriety chat room.  She suggested that instead of looking at my blips as failures I should 'own' my style of recovery.

My pattern is lots of sober days strung together with a drinking evening thrown in every once in a while.  The last one was a drunk but normally they are a glass or two.  After about five years of 'trying' to abstain, this is where I have landed.  If it wasn't for the feelings of failure, I would be quite OK with this pattern as long as I don't allow the daily drinking to creep back in.

Because I have a tendency to allow the daily drinking to reinsert itself in my life, I can't say I am a moderator or that I am capable of moderating.  I have to be always working towards abstinence even if I've decided to own my pattern of self sabotage.

It's time to stop the self-loathing and get on with life.

My life has improved so much in the past few months on a self-awareness level.  My meditations are all about breathing in Order and expelling Chaos.  If my life has order, I tend to make healthier decisions on a moment by moment basis.  By order I mean, getting my 'have to' stuff done early in the day to allow for the guilt free pleasures of the remainder of the day.

If I am walking on the trail by the river and an important work related task is sitting, uncompleted on my desk, it takes away from the serenity and happiness I could be feeling.  So, my job is to 'Eat the Frog' and get stuff done, then enjoy my day.

Owning my pattern of abstinence vs drinking is a healthy choice given the fact that I am so very much against daily drinking and will do my utmost to always struggle back to that sober place.

Does this make sense?

3 comments:

  1. Deb, I think you are spot on with this post.
    Sherry 💜

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  2. Deb - I for one think you are doing a fabulous job...any days sober are better than none at all. I am like you, I do good for a bit but then I have a meltdown or just reach a point where I give in/up? I too am striving for total abstinence, and I know in my heart I will get there, I just have a lot of emotional baggage I need to come to grips with. Anyway, never quit quitting, and don't beat yourself up if you slip...just pick yourself up, dust yourself off and keep moving forward....Big hugs...oh and so right about watching out for that rabbit hole, it's easy to fall back down there...

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  3. You are doing great Deb. I think we are too hard on ourselves sometimes. Every time we have a slip we are learning something from it. As long as we don't give up trying. A x

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