My Life's Work: Quitting DrinkingI f

In order for my true self to feel at home on this planet, in this universe and in my body, I need to allow all of life's emotions to run their course through my body, mind, heart and soul.  In order to do this I need to stop self medicating with alcohol and other veils and distractions.

I am addicted to hiding behind the filter of chemically induced passivity.  It's the coward's way out of the reality of life.  Life is full of difficulties.  Right now there are mini-crises going on all around me as I am sure they are for you too.  I had decided to accept myself as a failure at abstinence and just be aware of my tendency to slowly increase my intake and to avoid going that route.

Surprise !!! Drinking has become a daily obsession again.  I am now into the vodka.  I had always been a wine drinker but hubby and I have switched to vodka recently.  It started with a drink after work but I am aware that lately it's more than one ad nauseum... blah blah blah.

Quitting drinking is becoming my life's work.  How sad is that.  I feel like such a fraud.

I have reset my sobriety tracker to day one and therefore have begun another run at it.

What honestly triggered this kick at the can was an incident that happened last night.  Details ... you want details..

After work, I made myself a vodka and something or other and hubby declined as we had drank cognac the night before and he was still feeling it....Afterwards, we went to a great vegan restaurant to celebrate hubby's son's birthday.  As we had no reservations we waited an hour for a table across the street at a bar.  I had a large draft beer there.  Hubby also had one.  When our table was ready, we crossed over and the three of us enjoyed great conversation and a bottle of red with the delicious, nutritious food that accompanied the wine.  On the drive home all was well.  Just as we were pulling into the lane way at home, I brought up a touchy subject and hubby lost it.  By 'lost it' I mean, got angry and accused me of having ill intentions and being conniving.  Whether he was right or wrong doesn't matter because in my mind, I was being attacked unfairly and in his mind, I was deserving of his wrath.  It was not abusive but because we never fight, it was unsettling.  He continued berating me in the house and woke up the little one that lives here who started balling.  I escaped to my bathroom and ran a bath.  I heard hubby stomping around the house and when I came out of the bathroom he had camped out on the couch for the night.  I went to bed.

This crazy, useless exchange between us was definitely fueled by alcohol.  I sent him a text this morning trying to smooth things over and have had no response as of yet.

Why?  Why? Why?

So I begin a new chapter in the battle of the booze.  I feel like the West in it's battle with terrorism;  it never ends. A new battle is always raging and a victory is only a hiccup in the long war.  How discouraging.

Last weekend I tried not to drink while entertaining company at the lake house and hubby was disappointed that I was so quiet.  Screw that!!  Take me or leave me.  I can't continue to drink so he remains pleasantly entertained.  What kind of life am I actively deciding to live?

I could go on but I'll end by saying, thanks for all your support and encouragement.  Can't promise anything except another go at it.