Hubby and I are on speaking terms but keeping our distance. Booze triggered his outburst and there is no doubt in my mind that booze triggered the unfortunate comment I made that got him going. I am disappointed, though, that he did not respond to my apologetic text or start the verbal interaction at the end of the day. I am so quick to accept apologies and to forgive. He is not... and if I gave the sordid details of the one sided argument, you would agree that he was in the wrong. But my spiritual teachings have taught me that he is dealing with his fears and uncertainties and I am just the convenient focus of his fear-based attack. So, I forgive him...
I hope that my present feelings of determination and commitment are as strong in the future as they are tonight. I feel like I did at the beginning of some of my most substantial blocks of sober time.
Today, a light was turned on. News Flash !!! My mother loved my older sister and younger brother more than she loved us other three. She actually loved the two favourites passionately, despised the other two and was ambivalent towards me. This same mother is experiencing karma right now as her favourite daughter is very tough on her and her favourite son can be downright mean to her. She is now quite at their mercy as she is in her mid-80s. I am good to her and she knows when she comes to visit me, she gets spoiled. She looks forward to the visits as my kids are the only ones that have produced her great-grand kids and we make a point of making all her favourite dishes and bringing her to restaurants when she visits. She is a dry alcoholic for the most part. She drinks at my place or whenever she visits anyone who will serve her booze.
All this to say, I believe my drinking problem has partially stemmed from the feeling of not being loved or worth loving as a kid. I never have admitted this to myself before. Today, at age 58, I shed a tear or two over it. I must have been dense or in denial not to have acknowledged this before.
I don't believe in confronting the perpetrator or even dwelling too much on the 'why's' of my drinking or other emotional problems. Just knowing is enough.
Mom, I am lovable, I am enough, I am worthy of love... just as I am.
Another thing happened last night that was a bit of an awakening. In the past when hubby gets angry and even goes so far as to spend the night on the couch as he did last night I go to bed terrified he will leave me. My guts are contorted in fear. Not last night. I honestly was open to whatever he decided. I just don't need him. I love him fiercely but if he doesn't want to be with me for whatever reason, especially the ridiculous reasons of last night, then, I accept that. I would turn the corner and pursue other interests. I would be sad but not desperate. What an eye opener!
Two biggies, folks! What's with that??
Day one done.
Men can be stubborn creatures! I had a huge argument with my husband a while back (and I was sober at the time so it wasn't like I was being drunkenly unreasonable) and I may have said some things I shouldn't have, but he said a lot of things that I think warranted an apology which I never got. So we had the cold war happening the next day. In the end I had to apologise just to get peace restored, but I was livid about it. And I still get upset when I think about it. Why do they always think we are in the wrong and they are not? SO frustrating! Anyway, sorry for my ramble. Congrats on day 1. A x
ReplyDeleteThe post I just wrote is so similar to this....it's scary.
ReplyDeleteAcceptance is key... I needed that reminder.
xo
Actually, your blog post, sober mommy was the catalyst that got me thinking about the truth about my mother's affection for me. I asked her younger brother tonight who was heavily involved in our lives when we were young whether she loved me, felt ambivilant or hated me. He said she wanted to hate me but I was invisible so she ignored me. I kind of knew it. At least it's out in the open now.
ReplyDeleteWow. I wonder how the favoured children felt. It strikes me that children are generally quite fair minded, and if they knew you were treated differently it would affect them as well as you. I wonder whether other members of your family also have their difficulties, people deal with these things in all manner of ways, but they do tend to be self-destructive. Even those who take it out on others often do so because they're pushing people away deliberately before they can be abandoned. Is it possible to look at these things objectively without harming yourself further?
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