Remembering Why I Quit..

Every once in a while I have to remember the negatives of drinking in my own personal life.  I was not a down and out drunk; just a daily drinker who got out of hand once a month or so.  But since I've stopped drinking I've noticed some reversals in the horrible side effects of the daily intake of alcohol.
I tend to forget these life improvements; therefore fall into the 'it wasn't so bad' mode.

I am falling down that rabbit hole lately and even had a swig of my husband's beer on Saturday night. We were just finished with the funny business, I was naked and very thirsty and it was on the dresser. We had company so I couldn't go out of the room without throwing some clothes on... so I took a swig.  As I did, I joked to my husband ".. and it all started again with a swig of beer..." But the words rang true.

So here is the:

Before and After Version of Drinking Verses Not Drinking at 137 Days Sober

Before: Daily heart palpitations
After: No heart palpitations ... EVER !!

Before: High blood pressure and being followed by a doctor
After: Lowered blood pressure to the point of (so far) avoiding medication

Before: Waking up at 3:00 a.m. many nights filled with remorse, regret and feeling ill
After: Sleeping soundly every night

Before: Waking in the mornings feeling groggy, dehydrated and head-achy
After: Waking up feeling clear-headed, thirsty for coffee and alive

Before: Always fighting a middle age paunch
After: Eating whatever I want and staying slim and toned

Before: Often forgetting whole conversations and promises I've made
After: Still a bit forgetful but not in the same way; keeping my promises to the best of my ability

Before: Getting drunk to the point of throwing up and pissing myself about once a year for the past five years
After: Obviously not doing that shit

Before: Feeling like a loser and not accomplishing or following through on anything of importance
After: Still struggling with my self image but meeting small goals on a weekly basis.

Before: Always thinking about drinking
After: Still thinking about what I need to do to better myself but not enough about (not) drinking which I find dangerous.

There is still a lot I want to change about myself but I really am trying hard to be realistic and to maybe just accept myself for who I am: a pre-menopausal, procrastinating, indecisive, wishy washy, loving, placid, funny, warm woman with a whole lot of goals and too little passion to follow through on most of them.  And that's a subject for another post.

Easy Today... Drinking Tomorrow

I had a relaxing weekend at the lake.  I read two books and cooked great meals.  Hubby drank copious amounts of wine and beer.  He said he needed a weekend like that to recover from his week.  I didn't care as he didn't get stupid or smell bad.  I was able to keep the place up and running, go for a crisp swim in the frigid lake water, wash and hang clothes on the line, bake pumpkin applesauce muffins, a chicken curry, home made burgers, delicious veggie, cheese omelettes and other delectable dishes.  I was also able to treat my bladder infection by taking two D-Mannose capsules every two hours or so.  I never would have done all that with booze in the picture.  I would have had to go on anti-biotics and felt bloated and tired at the end of the weekend.

But still, the thought of taking a wine soaked trip to Europe appeals to me.  I've been telling myself that I could drink to my heart's content on a trip away and come back to sobriety.  Not sure if that is a reality or a fantasy.  Any idea?

I also sometimes think that at Christmas I can buy a bottle of Sambuca and nurse it over the holidays.  Ya right! 

As much as I can pour hubby a glass of red without a twinge of craving, I still feel very vulnerable.  I believe that "Wolfie" will come a calling when my guard is down.  I have to keep posting and keep reading. 

Cockiness is my usual downfall in the sobriety department.  Granted, I've never had four months of sobriety under my belt but I am worried that I will one day have to start at another day one.

Easy today, drinking tomorrow.

Monster in the Cupboard

Well we now have a honking huge box of red wine tucked away in a cupboard in our tiny little trailer.  I asked hubby why he put it in with the clothes and not on top of the fridge where it would make sense to place it.  He said he didn't want me to have to look at it all the time.  He was trying to be respectful of my sobriety but buying a big box of my favourite poison sort of screwed that up before he 'hid' it away.

I have a bladder infection which I will treat with D-Mannose, a natural substance something like concentrated cranberry juice.  If that doesn't work (it's pretty full blown at this point) I'll have to go on antibiotics which I deplore.  It sure hurts to pee. 

Drinking seems to be a non-issue although some alcoholic loved ones are talking about trying to moderate their drinking and asking my advice.  Unfortunately, everyone has to learn from their own experience that moderation does not work for people addicted to alcohol.  I encourage them to try to moderate as that is the only thing they are willing to do at this point and it's better than not doing anything.  I remember needing to believe that I could control my intake.  It's an important part of recovery.  The eventual realisation that it's impossible will come to them when they are ready to accept it.  Hell, it took me more than five years to stop the insanity once I knew there was a problem.  Why should I expect more from those I love.

I think we are heading to the lake this weekend; it's a long one due to our Labour Day on Monday.  I need to do laundry and get some warmer clothes as our reliable icy Canadian winter if fast approaching.

Belle's Bracelet

I ordered one of the bracelets that Belle of 'Tired of Thinking About Drinking' sells.  They are called the 'F&%k You Wolfie' bracelets.  They have a few charms on them.  There's a shovel for hitting Wolfie (our monkey mind) on the head when he pisses us off and it's also useful for burying him too.  An ampersand (@) to remind us of our internet sober support group.  Let's see ... there's a light house so we can find our way. A teal blue miniature tea cup is next which I love because tea has become my healthy addiction and all my jewellery is teal.  A star represents sleep but I see the star as my new spiritual journey into conscious living... and a little bell for guess who... (Belle, if you were a little stunned).

It's lovely and I've kept it on from the moment I opened the package in the post office of the little town we've moved to.  When I first tried it on, I thought that it was a little too jangly on my wrist and that it would irritate me. It reliably tinkles audibly each time you move your wrist.    I wanted to see if I could get used to it.  It seems I can't.  My first instinct was to remove it, put it on a shelf or in a drawer and promptly forget about it.  But then I started thinking...

This 'Belle' is a real smart cookie.  She designed and made these little tinker bells to keep us aware of our sobriety.  I put it on my left, dominant hand and now I'm glad I did.  The tinkling will be a constant reminder that I am part of the sober, authentic world now.  I don't want to get used to it.  The pretty little thin band with the symbols of my new, progressive life will stay on my wrist and tinkle to it's heart's content. 

Thanks Belle

Complacency Will Get Me Yet

If my sobriety is interrupted, I know exactly what will cause it.  I am only four months in and am starting to feel very complacent.  I don't check the other sober blogs as much.  I don't hang out at mywayout.org as often as I used to.  I don't feel inspired to blog here much.  This is very dangerous. 

My husband and I have been to hell and back living in this trailer on the construction site with the terrible weather we've had.  It's been a freezing cold summer with lots of torrential rain.  The trailer floor has been smeared with mud for weeks, the hot water stopped working, the power stopped chilling the fridge and we had major flooding in the basement of the new house.  As well we flooded our neighbors but that's another story.  My husband went to check out the water's depth and stepped off the ladder into waist high water and, for the second time this summer; both due to rain, ruined his cell phone.  Last evening the rain finally stopped pounding and we did a major cleanup and got everything back in working order.  We spent hours pumping out the basement, mopping the water and debris into a corner, changing the trailer's bed linens, cleaning out the rotten food in the fridge, sweeping and mopping the muddy floors and getting ourselves cleaned up.  We then went for supper at a local restaurant / bar.  If there was draft beer on the menu, I would've had one.  For sure.  I checked.

I don't know whether that one beer would have started the usual progression that leads straight to nightly drinking but, in the past, one drink is all it took. 

The reason this happened is complacency.  I am so quick to think "Problem Solved ... onward and upward".  I don't want to own my sobriety; I want it to just be.  But sobriety cannot be left unattended.  It tends to misbehave.  Every time I've started feeling cocky, I've been tricked into drinking by my own self talk.  Every decision I've ever made to drink has been a split second one.  My monkey mind sees a hole in my armour and stealthily but quickly slides in and makes it's move.  It works every time and last night it worked.  I didn't feel like a bottled beer, a glass of wine but I sure felt like a nice cold Stella Artois on tap.  I settled for a coffee.

I think we, ex-drinkers, and especially me, should respect the indecisive months we put into making the decision to abstain from alcohol by giving the decision to drink more than a moment's thought. 

I would like to commit to not taking that first drink without having one night pass from the time I decide to drink to actually taking the drink, itself.  It's the least I can do to honour what's best for my well being.

... and I have to stay close... I need you guys.  Don't let me get cocky or complacent.  It's my Achilles heel.

My Sister: My Trigger

My sister from Toronto, which is a five hour drive from the Nation's Capital, Ottawa, which is the area I live in was visiting back in April when I took my last drink.  On that non-descript night, we had some wine before dinner with cheese and crackers and a few more glasses with dinner.  I was tipsy, played the keyboard for my sister and when they went back to their hotel room, I went to bed.  It was an uneventful night, but followed a few low points in my drinking career that had occurred over the previous weeks.  For some reason, I stopped permanently that night.

This same sister, who is not a big drinker, is visiting this week.  I took her up to the lake and there is lovely wine up there.  She told me she didn't need to drink and happily abstained for the few days we were there together doing some sisterly bonding.

Those few days were surprisingly challenging for me to stay sober.  Duh??? Why??  She did not make a fuss and happily drank soda water with cranberry juice and sampled my collection of teas.  It was all me.  We put together a few gourmet meals that we enjoyed with candlelight and soft music which could have been my trigger.  Was she my trigger; my older sister who I've always felt a little in awe of?  I just don't know why her presence upset my abstinence apple cart. 

It doesn't really matter as I was sober and had a nice time with her.  She is a major cheerleader in my sobriety crusade and tells me she is so proud of me and that she could never give up her addiction which is chocolate.  She also tells me I didn't act like an alcoholic and that she was never concerned for my drinking.  Most people say that but we, boozers, know that it's what OUR minds are doing that determines whether we have a problem; not what others see.

Into my fourth month now and plan on being sober forever.  I am working on establishing some healthy addictions like exercise, meditation and veggie eating right now but have yet to put a solid plan in place.  Procrastination is still my 'go to' practice as fear seems to have a grip on me when it comes to making positive change.  My post about my office work procrastination seemed to light a candle under my arse and I got that under control so maybe I'll post more about my other procrastination victims and see if that helps.

One thing at a time. 

Addictive Personality... A Good Thing?

On my initial sobriety forum, mywayout.org where I still spend a lot of time the subject of having an addictive personality came up.

Having an addictive personality usually is associated with negative connotations.  I believe after reading that thread on MWO that we, addicts, can use this addictive mind of ours in positive ways.  Creating new, positive habits could come a lot easier if we allowed our addictive minds to dominate in the formation of the practice.  I am not sure how to channel that part of my brain but I'm going to give it some thought. 

What is it that creates an addiction?  My opinion would be that addiction is the continuous search for repeated experiences of 'feel good' endorphins associated with the substance or practice.

In order for me to get addicted to, 'let's say', exercising I would have to seek out the high from doing it.  What would make me seek it out?  When I started drinking it didn't call me early in my 'career'.  It tasted terrible at first and felt terrible too.  After a while, it still tasted terrible but it started feeling good too.  Then, eventually, I started to like the taste and the seed of addiction was planted.

So, using this analogy, which I believe to be true, in order for me to become addicted to exercise, I first have to do it and feel the creaky limbs waking up after a long slumber and, maybe even, feel the burn the next day.  After a while if I keep it up I may start feeling a little more limber and refreshed after each work out.  If I continue, I may start looking forward to the feel good endorphins that are bound to flood through my veins as I plod along.

It may become an addiction.  I am really good at addictions!  It just might be worth the try!