Tuesday 24 June 2014

Shut the f%&k up!

My Ego has a big mouth!  It never leaves me alone.  It has a running commentary going through my head that goes something like this:  "maybe you should stop at the grocery store and buy some healthy food or then, again, maybe we'll go out for dinner.  I'll stop anyways because we need cream for coffee and juice... it's raining; maybe I can pick some up tomorrow morning before work... oh ya, I can't do that, I've got a meeting at 8:00 a.m.... boy are you lazy or what.. just get in the car and go get the damn groceries.  All you ever do is sit on your ass... I know I should be doing more exercise but I'm living in a frigging trailer right now... ya but it's located near some lovely walking paths.. I know but the black flies are vicious... just put bug spray on.. no excuses .. But that stuff's toxic.  Think I'll have a shower... Oh Brother, I hate using the shower in the trailer; it makes the whole bathroom wet.. maybe I'll shower at the office... but I'm only going there tomorrow... "

On and on this little voice follows my every move or lack of motion and critiques me.  It's the same voice that has told me for years that I can moderate my drinking but that when I didn't manage to moderate, I was a complete idiot.  Same entity!!

If I could manage to quiet the little bastard, maybe I could end the self-flagellation and start living an authentic life.  I am reading about it and practicing resting in the present moment but, by golly, it's not easy.

Today at work I managed to work mindfully and systematically rather than the willy-nilly way I usually handle my tasks.  It's a start and I got a lot accomplished.  Putting time aside for meditation will help if I ever am able to adopt that routine. 

I promised myself to have no rules for the first 100 sober days but I think I need to kick start my conscious life a little earlier... I have to get the voice to be quiet; to accept me as I am and to make decisions and follow through on them instead of going through internal negotiations constantly.

Just rambling....

3 comments:

  1. I have a good rule for you. Every time you hear the voice tell it you are doing exactly what you are supposed to be doing. And it is enough.
    Eventually the mean voice quiets and instead you have a nicer voice patting you on the back and telling yourself you are doing great.

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  2. I am doing exactly what I should be doing. There! I said it. Another one I use lately is "What is, IS." It's ok to be here, now doing whatever it is that I am doing (or not doing).
    Sage advice: Thanks!

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  3. I love the Buddhify app on my phone. It asks what you're doing (resting, waiting for the bus) and you choose a shorter meditation (5 minutes) or something longer. It's a great little mind calmer!

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