Little Things

Lately, I’ve become more intimate with life.

I’ve begun to notice small details that went unobserved previously.  The hummingbirds fighting for possession of the nectar source, the young fish hovering beneath the dock, the forest and rocky shore that our pontoon passes as it makes it’s slow majestic way.   I’ve seen all of these things before, even remarked on them.  But since I’ve been working towards becoming the authentic version of myself, I’ve been seeing them with more wonder and awe.  Appreciation of nature is one thing.  Sober, straight, stoned or otherwise affected we can and do acknowledge nature’s gifts.  Being sober, straight and ‘conscious’ is a whole different ball game, my friends.

As I held my two month old, tiny granddaughter in my arms this weekend I couldn’t take my eyes off her.  The absolute symmetric proportions, the little lips and nose twitching in her sleep are all a source of fascination if you are awake.  She gets a look on her face when you stand her up that screams “Look at me!”   These tiny facets of life are so magnificent to behold and to remember; both of which I am certain I am capable of now.

Drinking is not an option.  I’ve gained so much clarity, appreciation, respect from my family and friends and countless other positives that I would be an absolute fool to take a chance with my sobriety.

My confidence in myself is gaining momentum to the point where I sometimes take time to relax at the lake house while the younger ones do the meals and clean up.  I usually have a baby on my lap but that’s part of the bargain.  They love a break from the kids and I love holding them. We all win.

I hope to organize my time better in order in order to continue to squeeze out more for myself to practice my hobbies and interests.  I also plan on following the ‘simple living’ principals in my new home which will be built by the end of September. 

I’m really excited about trying out vegetarian, delicious recipes, juicing, gardening, living a greener life including tending to many indoor plants and even, eventually getting a dog.  My rebounding routine is also something I’m planning on starting up again.

I’ve always had these types of goals but was never successful in achieving them; going around in circles; starting lots of habits and projects and never completing any of them.  Now, with sobriety, my dreams can really come true.  The items on my bucket can realistically become lived experiences.

I’ve learned that I can’t expect to enact change quickly or immediately.  I am starting to achieve small victories and am driven by small successes now, rather than self-criticism.  This, in itself, is making a huge difference.

When my daughter, her boyfriend and their little one left, my husband and I had the best lovemaking session we’ve ever had.  He went for a nap (surprise!) and I went down to the water and swam right out into the middle of the lake.  I serenely froggie kicked out for five minutes then turned around and swam back to the dock in a slow, luxurious fashion.  I climbed up, got out of the swimsuit and wrapped the towel around myself.  I got in the boat as the seat was facing away from any boaters and right into the lowering sun.  I opened the towel and let the sun’s rays touch my whole 57 year old body.  I closed my eyes and thought about nothing.  When I was dry I came up to the house, grabbed my laptop and typed this entry.  Now I have to get dressed, tidy the lake house and pack up to head back to the construction site where we live and work. 

Long post.. I know.  Sweet dreams.