I keep going back to drinking. My latest excuse is that my son and his wife have moved in with their little one and my alcoholic Mom is visiting for two weeks. I started out very well and since February have had mostly sober days. Lately I am falling back into old patterns. I believe today is the day I remove the wine from the cupboard and put in in the basement so I don't have to look at it any more. I will get flack from hubby who will make fun of me but it's for the best and I will stand up for my right to have the booze out of my line of vision.
Hang on, I'm going to grab the box o' wine right now.
It's safely put away... if the basement can be called a safe place. I feel that my DIL would not be drinking as much if it weren't for hubby and me having wine with meals.
I have been sporadic to put it politely. Mostly I don't drink. The scariest part is that, when I do, it's like my body is not associated with my brain. I go on auto-pilot and pour a glass of wine. Last night I said a few asinine things and this morning I feel bad. I have learned or am learning that, no matter what, I always regret drinking even when I manage to keep my big mouth shut.
I had the wake up call at 3:00 a.m. this morning and another morning a few nights ago. You know that 3:00 a.m. wide awake full of regret feeling?
It's so tempting to back away from this blog when I screw up and I did. We also lost our internet connection for a week so that didn't help.
I will report in tomorrow as to how I am doing. If I had not had a drink since my big quit in February I would have seven months under my belt by now.
I am going to try to post every single day until I reach day one hundred and hopefully that'll keep me honest (and sober)!!
My mother, for the record, is self-monitoring very well for an 84 year old chronic alcoholic. She doesn't want me to refuse to let her drink so she is having about two lite beers a day mixed with soda water. I am not going to try to stop her as I feel this is a huge effort for her and am, actually, proud of her.
Her very presence is such a reminder of why I drink, how I drink and where I am headed if I don't stop. She is completely a non-participant in every day discussions, activities and interactions. She is either eating sugary treats, sucking on her faux cigarette or drinking beer all the while reading or doing crossword puzzles. She is no trouble but not really present.
I am very apathetic when I drink too. I have her addictive personality. I love my coffee, candy, wine and other indulgences. Whenever I feel the least bit lonely or bored, I reach for my addictive substances. I wonder if the best way to beat the booze is to stop the other addictive behaviours too. Life without coffee??? Without jelly beans and cookies??? Maybe that's something I should try. Yikes!! I am not sure I could handle all that sacrifice at once. The nakedness of it all!!!! The vulnerability I would feel!!
I have so many books to read, songs to learn on the keyboard. I want to continue with my yoga, jump on my mini-rebounder, get out in the woods, meditate, eat healthier and get involved in my community. I don't want to end up like Mom just waiting for my life to end while drinking, poisoning my body with sugar, postponing all that is important to me for the sake of a bloody drink.
Hopeless is a word that describes the way I feel. I wonder if I have what it takes to actually follow through with sober living. Today for the first time ever I looked up the AA meetings in my area. I may have to resort to going.