Murmurs From the Heart

I am not a problem drinker.  I am normal.  At least, that's what everyone says.

Even this morning when a friend and I were discussing his desire to cut down his wine intake during the week, the subject of my abstinence came up and he brushed me off with a "You are too hard on yourself."  I get that all the time.  People don't believe I need to stop drinking.  I used to take this as a sign that, maybe, I am overdoing the goody two shoes routine. Recently, I've began to see these comments as, simply, ignorance.

We have friends and family that interfere with our inner knowledge using words that question our decisions and choices.  We have an even closer acquaintance that is capable of undermining us to an extent our friends and family can only dream of: our own mind.

The mind is a complicated instrument.  Typically, unless we've achieved enlightenment and are able to 'not think', our ego or monkey mind emits a stream of information, analysis and commentary every moment of every day. Somewhere, at a deeper level, our true self lies, quietly, prodding us to live our lives fully and authentically and to trust in ourselves rather than adhere to the chatter that surrounds us in all our waking moments.  The key to a realistic inner perspective as humans interacting with the universe is to to quiet the chatter and hear our genuine selves.

My inner chatter has been reprimanding me for ages insisting that my drinking thoughts and patterns are unhealthy.  When I contemplate abstinence that same monkey mind insists I don't really have a problem.  Back and forth I go swinging from "I need to quit" to "I am fine" within the span of a second or two.  It's enough to drive me to drink ... and, in the past, it has.

Achieving the awareness to be conscious of the steady murmurs coming from our deeper, more loving self is a difficult process.  We have outside stimulants interfering such as responsibilities, relationships, cultural expectations, the internet and real time constraints.  Our deeper self doesn't waver on it's message.  In varying situations it's words always imply the same subtle suggestion: to make each and every decision one that moves us closer to our happiness and fulfillment.

Our ego doesn't want us to believe we are worthy of happiness. It's mere existence depends on us being restless and believing we are not making good decisions.  That's why, when we drink, it reprimands us and when we abstain it ridicules us by often reminding us of others in worse circumstances.  When we are able to slide into that elusive place called 'contentment', the ego feels itself dying.  The key to staying content is to allow our ego to ramble on, acknowledged but not taken for anything other than what it is; chatter, then, alertly, listen to our heart's whispers.

My true self knows that I am happier sober.  My Ego can't make up it's mind.  I will listen to the murmurs of my heart and gently live my life without the burden of booze.