With sober time under my belt it has come to my attention that I, like all the other members of my parental family suffer from some psychological symptoms. I am nakedly aware that I was self-medicating with alcohol all those years.
When people talked about doing the work of sobriety I always thought that was a stage of recovery that I could skip. I didn't have any issues to 'fix'. I was a drinker period. I just needed to quit.
Well low and behold, I'm a hot mess.
I have issues popping up left, right and centre. My mind is so scattered and I know it has been always. I've just let it be because I didn't care thanks to the veil of booze. Now that I'm abstaining, I realize I can't stick to a straight line of thought let alone a list of To Do's. My style has always been very unpredictable in every aspect of my life. I was a great Mom; I was a shitty Mom. I am a fantastic employee; I am the worst employee. I keep a clean house; my house is in shambles. There is no happy medium with me. For example, here's me tidying the house: I clear the kitchen table and try to fill the dishwasher. I realize it's full of clean dishes. I start putting those away and realize my cutlery drawer is a mess. I take all the knives, forks, spoons, serving and cooking utensils out and sort them on the counter top. In the pile I notice the missing 1/2 Tsp measuring spoon that I've lost. I take it to the baking drawer and search for the other measuring spoons. Soon all my baking implements are on the counter. I then realize I was tidying the house so I go back to the dishwasher and resume emptying it.. And then I find a clean jar that the chocolate chips would fill nicely. I go to the pantry and look for the chocolate chips. Since the baking utensils are on the counter anyways, maybe I should make chocolate chip cookies. On and on I go until the house looks like a hurricane went through.
OK so that's my ADD kicking in. I am also depressed. I have a low grade sense of dissatisfaction running through my heart. It seems to prevent me from following through on getting outside on sunny days, rebounding, eating well, staying on top of things. I am hoping this lifts but know it's not going to happen without some introspection on my behalf.
Then there is menopause. I am 59 years old and just got my PERIOD!! Sorry guys, I won't get graphic. I hadn't had one in months and thought I was done. Unlike the previous few, this one came with it's sidekicks: PMS, bloating, moodiness and exhaustion. When does it end?
No wonder I was driven to dive into the wine glass. The allure of booze for me is all about escape; not taste, not socializing; just numbing my brain.
I have a lot of work to do. It wasn't what I had planned but come hell or high water, I'm not going to drink.
Any reading suggestions?