Tuesday, 5 April 2016

Grrr !!

I am dealing with a big disappointment and trying to allow the emotion to wash over me and not try to find a way to un-feel my pain.

We have a family wedding in Toronto in July and my elderly mother, myself and my husband will be attending.  My sister has made it clear she does not want my Mom or hubby and myself staying with her as she is hosting my brother, his wife and son who are also from out of town.  Whenever there is a family function in my part of the country, I open my small home to everyone.  Hubby and I have even stayed at a B & B across the street to free up a comfortable bed for her and her husband.  She lives in a four bedroom huge home with plenty of room.  My mother does not do stairs well and if she stayed there she would take up a couch on the main floor.

My Mom loves my sister and will be hurt if she knows she is not welcome.  My mother never sees this out of town son as he lives in Vancouver.  If we (or she) does not stay with family we cannot stay longer than one or two nights because of the cost of hotel rooms.  There is no where else for Mom to stay with a bathroom on the main level.

Hubby and I DESERVE a break to stay away from Mom for one or two nights.  My sister should welcome my Mother.  My mom is quiet and actually afraid of this sister of mine so she would be no trouble.  She would just be there to enjoy spending time with the out of town family.  She would love to be there despite the fact that my sister is a little harsh with her at times.

I accept the fact that I am not welcome; I can crash anywhere.  My mother does not deserve this.  Although she is an alcoholic and sometimes a little negative, she is no trouble to have around as she talks little, eats little and sleeps a lot.

I sent my sister an email expressing my bafflement and hurt and asked her to give me some time to digest her coldness.

I will not drink.


  1. Deb please don't drink. This is a trigger time for anyone, family+drama+anger or hurt feelings. You did absolutely the right thing emailing your sister but I also want to challenge you to being honest without blame and expressive without hurt. I may be speaking out of turn here but when dealing with family we tend to fall back on our 'default' positions in the family and base all conversations on the bias of past events. If I may suggest (and you may have done this already) fall on your sword for your mom and make it about getting the best experience for her and how your sister could be hurting her and maybe your brother. Apologies if I have over stepped the mark here but at 46 and working for psychologist I am only just opening up to REALLY telling the truth but in a non confrontational way. I hope I haven't said too much.

    1. I do not plan on letting my mother know that she is not welcome at my sisters. We are looking into renting a B and B and making it a fun weekend for the three of us. I do not hold a grudge. Thanks and no offence taken.

    2. Yikes sorry if I made you think I was talking about your mother, I meant to relay all those things about having a deep discussion with your sister. Obviously I realise you are trying to protect your mother and her feelings. Gosh no don't tell her,! Sorry mixed messages.

  2. Don't drink.
    Perhaps you sister (or her family) decided they could only handle one group of visitors. It might just be the others asked first.
    Otherwise, maybe there is more to your sisters relationship with your mom than you know.
    I would accept the decision and make the best plans for the 3 of you possible.
    Sorry this is so hard. Families are complicated.

  3. It's really hard to know all the dynamics with family with family, even if you are close. I think you did the right thing by communicating, maybe, as Anne said, there is a simple explanation. Either way, the whole situation won't be resolved by drinking, as you already know. I hope you can resolve it with your sister, hugs xxx

  4. Family dynamics really can be tough...put yourself in the best situation that you can with this...just don't drink over it because then you will feel worse!