I am glad I took a break. Yes, I drank. I drank almost every day since I stopped posting. I didn't drink much and didn't get drunk. I am still back on the wagon and I'll tell you why.
My mind cannot rest peacefully while drinking despite the fact that by most standards, it's not problematic. I believe there is something wrong with most standards. I just can't look at my daily drinking as normal. For the past few weeks I enjoyed a small draft beer (sometimes two) when at the local pub/restaurant. I pretended to enjoy wine with dinner. These actions, themselves, are not alarming. What is alarming to me is that when I am not abstaining, there is no such thing as a night off. It's like all or nothing. I drink daily or not at all. I haven't suffered much because of it physically. Emotionally, I am just not happy in my own skin.
Those of you who remember that we are in the process of putting the finishing touches on a lovely new home we are building will be glad to know that we are now inside that house. We are now camping indoors. Our furniture is still in pods parked outside our door. My winter clothes are still packed away (and it's c..o..l..d) but I am now using the oven, the bathtub (first time last night), indoor plumbing and sleeping on plywood in the spare bedroom on a pull out couch we dragged in. The trailer will be emptied into the house later on today as the kitchen cabinet guys are here right now putting the cupboard doors and counter tops together. My difficult life camping outside in the rain are over. No more excuses to drink.
I am committed again to be sober. I can't believe I reached the four month mark in my last sober run. Unlike many, I will not attack myself for relapsing. I am glad I did. I needed to see how it felt to drink again. It was anti-climatic and not worth it. Booze is not my friend. When I drink I make hubby feel good and some of my friends happy. Drinkers love and need company. I do nothing positive for myself.
The fact is: I am a lot happier and content when I don't drink so I won't drink. I am emerging out of the funk that's dragged me down throughout this rainy, cold summer. I feel hope and enthusiasm for the future. I am warm and dry. I am again sober.