... but that would undermine it's whole purpose. I am not proud to have to post that I'm drinking again. I know it ruins the fluidity and the upward arc of the tone of the blog. I know I've let people down; people who took encouragement from my confidence and 144 day achievement (or whatever the number was..)
I want to succeed. I'm calling in the arsenal of weapons available to me: MyWayOut.org, The Bubble Hour, Living Sober, other Blogs, my sobriety books, meditation, etc.
What I feel this morning seems to evaporate by the evening. All the excuses I have to drink don't hold water when it comes right down to it. There is no excuse for slowly ruining one's life. Last night I was fine right until 8pm when we had finished painting a few rooms in the house. My daughter-in-law came into the trailer to wait for her hubby to be done (my son) and I offered her a glass of wine which she accepted. I drank a half glass without a thought. It tasted like crap. When hubby got in and the two young people left, he wanted a glass of red too... this was around 9:00 pm. I poured him and myself one. I took a sip and went to dump it. "Whoa, he said... you don't waste wine! Put cellophane on it and keep it handy for tomorrow." So, in all I drank about 5 ounces total but that's not the point. It's the process that allowed me to go from an abstinent plan to drinking.
I was tempted to tell myself that I'll quit when I move into the house at the end of October; just coast until then. I just can't do that to myself. Coasting for me has a downward trajectory. By the time November 1st comes along, I'll be well into the nightly black-out phase of my drinking.
I am scared and feeling pretty useless.
Hi Deb,
ReplyDeleteYour story reminds me of the time when I was first trying to get sober. This was in the mid 1980s, so there weren't any blogs. I went to the book store and found a book titled "How to Control your Drinking." Didn't work for me. I ended up getting sober in AA and haven't picked up a drink since 1986. It gets easier after the first year.
Molly
Don't feel you have to lie. People are looking for honest, real experiences. Yours will help someone, maybe who is consideri having a few drinks. They can see it is hard to avoid falling back into the alcohol trap.
ReplyDeleteIt sounds like you are putting others needs ahead of your own. Don't feel like you have to offer drinks to people. Don't have booze around if it helps you.
Maybe giving AAa a shot would help. Lack of irl support can be tough, especially if your family are social drinkers.
Either way, you are not useless. You are worth the effort. Stop coasting while it's still doable.
You did it once. It is hard, but you can do it again. Go back and read just how happy you were in a lot of your posts.
Deb..I am thinking of you and sending you love and light..it is so hard and some of us relapse many times. I too have suffered from mild depression and find that I self medicate with alcohol. Maybe trying a natural antidepressant is worth a shot or contacting your doctor. Your honesty is really helping us more than you know..we are all in this together yet we all must find our own way of staying sober..also maybe try In The Rooms as a place to join online. Big hugs to you!
ReplyDeleteI agree with everyone....your honesty HELPS!! Thank you for your blog. (((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))
ReplyDeleteNoraC (MWO)
Oh, I am right there with you, having had some wine on September 30, and now renewing the vow to not drink, no matter what. I feel like I know you, even though I am across the way in southern Indiana in the US. I am 63, married and a grandma. I love wine.
ReplyDeleteI read recently in a memoir of an alcoholic that she was tired of getting advice to substitute other things and activities for drinking. Her truth was that there was no substitute, and I totally get that. There are wonderful things I can do for self care that enhance my mental and physical health, and things I can do for others, but they are not a substitute for the lovely first sip of a good cabernet, and the sweet spot after a few glasses. It is about a transformation to a different life. When I am sober, other people don't change and the bare circumstances of life don't change; they can get worse after stopping drinking. Sigh. So that is where we can keep it simple, and take the vicissitudes and joys of life as they come, and do not drink, no matter what. This is doable. I wish for you peace, sanity, and happiness, and an end to suffering and despair. Please keep posting and working on this along with all of us who are joined with you.
wonderful post-thank you.
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