... but that would undermine it's whole purpose. I am not proud to have to post that I'm drinking again. I know it ruins the fluidity and the upward arc of the tone of the blog. I know I've let people down; people who took encouragement from my confidence and 144 day achievement (or whatever the number was..)
I want to succeed. I'm calling in the arsenal of weapons available to me: MyWayOut.org, The Bubble Hour, Living Sober, other Blogs, my sobriety books, meditation, etc.
What I feel this morning seems to evaporate by the evening. All the excuses I have to drink don't hold water when it comes right down to it. There is no excuse for slowly ruining one's life. Last night I was fine right until 8pm when we had finished painting a few rooms in the house. My daughter-in-law came into the trailer to wait for her hubby to be done (my son) and I offered her a glass of wine which she accepted. I drank a half glass without a thought. It tasted like crap. When hubby got in and the two young people left, he wanted a glass of red too... this was around 9:00 pm. I poured him and myself one. I took a sip and went to dump it. "Whoa, he said... you don't waste wine! Put cellophane on it and keep it handy for tomorrow." So, in all I drank about 5 ounces total but that's not the point. It's the process that allowed me to go from an abstinent plan to drinking.
I was tempted to tell myself that I'll quit when I move into the house at the end of October; just coast until then. I just can't do that to myself. Coasting for me has a downward trajectory. By the time November 1st comes along, I'll be well into the nightly black-out phase of my drinking.
I am scared and feeling pretty useless.