One Year Since My Last Serious Attempt! Heal Thyself!!

It just occurred to me that, for the past year or so, I've thought about booze daily.  Within a few weeks it'll be the one year anniversary of my 'big quit'; the one that started with Belle's 100 day challenge and lasted four months.  Every day since then has not had an hour go by without me spending some of it planning, regretting and obsessing over alcohol.  This particular year is defined by the four month stint but I know I've wasted the previous five years unsuccessfully trying to quit drinking and the five before that developing my addiction.   I am now, after 13 years of a numbed, fearful life, at the point in this disease where it affects my moment to moment thoughts by harshly pulling me from denial to angst and over to fear and back to denial, etc.

I need sobriety because my life depends on it. If I continue as I am, painfully moderating, there's a good chance I'll live to a ripe old age as my 'controlled' drinking is minimally harmful.  The very sad and pathetic fact is that my authentic, conscious self will continue it's slow decline until I end up a soulless hollow shell of who I truly am. My whole life will have been wasted on feeding the fires of this truly remarkable foe: alcoholism.

I am helpless against the beast unless I am surrounded my sober soldiers.  I need the support of a community of like minded souls.  I now meditate and chat with my friend every morning at six a.m.  She is winning the war with her addiction and has attributed much of her success to our meetings.  For the first time since last February when I began my four month A/F stint I feel empowered again.  Everything is falling into place.  Belle has felt my readiness over the ocean that divides us.  She has invited me to another 100 day challenge.  I am up for it and am committed to spending an hour a day on sober sites reading, interacting and succeeding.

Thanks to Belle and everyone who has not given up on me.  

Heal Thyself!!