Thursday, 22 January 2015

Transient Thoughts and Cravings

How does one deal with exhaustion, irritation, boredom and other unsettling feelings?  I used wine to make those feelings go away.  The mindless activity of sipping ethanol was just the ticket to freedom from pain.  It worked.

I`ve been minding an eighteen month old while his parents are on holiday... that`s exhausting.

Hubby has been saying some self-promoting, hurtful things to boost himself up at my expense... that`s irritating.

Most evenings I`ve found myself alone while not alone while hubby loses himself in TV ... I get bored.

Naturally the thoughts of drinking are front and centre especially since hubby drinks wine or beer most evenings although not to excess.

I`ve found myself able to ride these feelings or cravings by just letting them enter my being, build to a climax and slowly dissipate ... just observing them rather than judging, analyzing or, even worse, acting on them.

The little guy I am minding is a sweet toddler and although, I am tired at the end of the day I know it`s only for this week so it`s pretty easy to ride this one out.

Hubby`s insensitive words were the hardest to stay authentic through.  I am grateful that I`ve been doing some work on resting in the present, being aware that it`s not all about me and generally accepting that people will say and do things that make me uncomfortable.  I find myself not saying much to defend myself and letting things go.  Sometimes we all need to blow off some steam.
Generally he is a great guy but we all can`t be perfect. :-)

Some evenings could be spent out of the home getting involved in the community or visiting friends. I hate the cold but it`s a reality where I live in the coldest capital city in the world (it rivals Moscow) but I will get out more.  I look forward to it.  It will happen and I will report on it.

So I continue on the 11th day of my sober journey knowing that life will continue to throw challenges at me.  Booze doesn`t help and the thought of drinking just reminds me that I don`t need another inevitable day one.  I`ve had too many and if I drink will definitely be adding yet another one to my path to authenticity.

I am happy and serene lately despite the real problems those I love are facing.  I love my kids and feel their pain but know that nothing stays the same.  Everything gets better.  Everything gets worse.  I`ll ride out life`s ups and downs staying awake and aware.  I`ll continue to be responsible for my actions by accepting my thoughts and feelings as real but transient.

Today I have a rare day to myself.  What shall I get up to?


  1. What did you get up to? Hope it was fun x

  2. Hey KT, thanks for asking. I actually got in some retail therapy. I went to a small mall and met a friend for lunch. We shared dessert which was my favourite: coconut cream pie... Then I found a petite store that had everything on 80% off and stocked up on a dozen lovely tops. I had nothing in my closet. Because I am tiny, everyone gives me clothes that don`t fit them any more and I wanted some Debbie clothes. It felt great.